someday//part I

i was having lunch with a friend the other day.  we were both picking at our salads, quietly enduring a lull in the conversation, when my eyes fixated on his.  i quickly alerted my friend to this dreamboat sitting a few tables over from us.  with a soft kick to her leg, she too looked in the direction of my gaze.

"wow."
"mmmhmmm."

her face was flushed.  we tend to have the same taste in men.  dark hair, dark eyes, that manly kind of beard that it looks as though he could grow over night.  a red plaid shirt that perfectly complements his medium skin tone and gives him that mountain man appeal. and those hands, those really good sized hands, the kind my own "unsmall" hands could get lost in. sigh.

he catches us looking, and we both quickly look away in our all too obvious fashion.
we look at each other and giggle.  for my friend, the moment has passed.  she has already brought a new topic to our lunch time chat.
but i am still smitten with mountain man a few tables away.
i push the grilled chicken and romaine around in my bowl, keeping my eyes lowered.
i'm counting the seconds before i steal another look.
damn, too soon.
he catches my next glance and smiles.

oh gosh.
i set my fork down in shame.  he will not see me take another bite.  my friend has already resumed picking at every last vegetable in her assorted salad while i have reverted back to my jr. high self, in which the rule was, "never let a boy see you eat."

my friend looks at me exasperated.
she has already picked up on what is going on.
"you're not done." she declares softly.
"i'm not hungry anymore."
"oh jenn, he's not that cute."
i look at her with one of those c'mon seriously faces.  the kind, after years of friendship, she understands the meaning behind.
"actually...he is. he is definitely the kind of "i can't eat in front of him" cute.  i know i am being ridiculous, but honestly, i can't help it."  i say this all in a whisper as i inconspicuously observe where his gaze falls.  i turned my eyes back to her and gave her my most innocent puppy dog face, silently pleading with her to entertain my immature plea in this moment.

she drops her napkin onto the floor to turn and catch another look at this god sitting only two tables away.
i cringe with embarrassment.  my friend has a very unafraid flirtatious quality that has always drawn men in.  even though she's the married one, i find myself praying to God he sees the ring on her finger and that it automatically nullifies any interest he may have had in her instead of me. stupid girl stuff. ugh, i feel despicable. we're always plotting away at how we can get our own way, and constantly in a comparison frenzy. who's prettier, who's thinner???

"okay he is that cute." she clarifies this new observation way too loudly for the quiet non busy setting of our lunch date.
he smiles at us again.
oh god i have to get out of here. 
the only feeling now i can grab onto is that all too familiar mortification in jr. high when my frenemy chelsea p. told bobby g. i had a crush on him.  the next time he saw me in the hall after this piece of information had been revealed, he looked at me like i was the most pitiful creature on the planet and stated, during a busy passing period, in front of a large group of guys that had crowded around him, that he would never like a girl like me.  i never quite figured out what that meant, though i've given it way more thought than it deserves.  bobby g.'s rejection still haunts me, all these years later, whenever i find myself attracted to someone.

"go say hi."my friend interrupts my sad memory lane train of thought.
"oh yeah, because that is so my style."
"oh geez. when are you gonna grow some and talk to a guy you think is hot."
i ponder this.  i have a real sense that i never will muster that courage.  unless of course i was intoxicated.  and generally i believe intoxication is probably my most unappealing state. though i wouldn't really know, as it hardly ever happens.
"uh huh."
"c'mon, just do it. i'll give you...a dollar."
"tempting offer."
"maybe he'll come over here."
"i don't think so."
"you never know. he keeps looking over here."
"you don't know where he's looking."
"well, if he knows what's good for him, he would be."

i resume forking at my expensive chicken and greens, as his red plaid fills my peripheral vision.
why can't i be that confident woman who just walks up to an attractive man and says hello? i am such a timid creature when it comes to men.

"do you suppose we've ever had this kind of affect on a man?"
"probably."
"yeah?"
"well, probably not in the exact way your thinking it.  guys aren't as spazzy as us."
 "spazzy, indeed."
"i'm sure it has happened more times than you know."
"well, if that's true then that would mean they lack as much courage as i do."
"men."
we share an agreeing laugh.
but i can't help but wonder if it really is true.  has a man ever been attracted to me in the way in which i am attracted to this lunch time stranger.  attraction is most definitely a strange and wild thing. it can't be helped really.  it just seems to happen.  you can't plan it, or expect it, or force it.  it can be so completely overwhelming and so very forgettable.  but what does attraction ultimately lead to? a conversation, a date, a relationship, a marriage, or nothing more than a few glances across the tables.  i have been attracted to so many men in my lifetime.  most of whom i have long forgotten.  i've gotten to know men and have become attracted to them, when initially i wasn't.  but i've never experienced a lasting attraction.  the kind that remains through the course of a relationship, or a crush that never dies out.  eventually attraction fades.  what do you have then? i always wonder how married couples maintain that attraction to one another.  it must be possible.  but i can't help but wonder if it is possible for me. someday, maybe, attraction will lead to something more.  someday maybe, some man will find me as alluring as i found this plaid wearing bearded stranger to be.  someday, maybe me and some wonderful man will build on an attraction something that lasts for life. someday.

future husband, know that i am a shy and timid creature.  if i seem terribly uninterested, know that i very much am.