i remember the smells vividly, like a mix of burnt popcorn, cardboard and metal. it was an odd mix of aromas and while not totally pleasant, i found it was soothing in a way.
i would walk down the aisles, perusing movie titles and reading the backs of rental cases that i found particularly intriguing. i would seek out movies that weren't based on friend's recommendations, or critic's commentaries, but wholly based on simply what my eyes were drawn to. a man standing under bright moonlight in the middle of a baseball field...a woman's tortured expression amidst darkness and a sinister gentleman standing off in the distance, a man's proud smile gazing towards a pensive child sitting at a desk...it was the images that told me i wanted to know these characters and their stories. i would often ignore the titles and allow the people and the settings to speak for themselves.
by the time i'd get to the last aisle i would have 6 or 7 dvd's in tow and then be faced with the great task of narrowing down a solid selection to one or two to watch that evening. once i decided i would return the other titles to their rightful place and hopefully i would come upon them on the next visit. i never wrote anything down or made lists. i just wanted my heart to guide the choosing. and more often than not, i would be pleasantly surprised. sometimes i watched stories unfold that got completely under my skin. and those became the stories i would own to watch again and share with others.
i spent years collecting these experiences. mostly in solitude. on occasion i would share this with someone, but i found that most people aren't as open in their movie watching experiences. they have to know someone, or find out what someone else thought, or be guaranteed two hours of jam packed action and thrills to actually fork over the $2 or so dollars to rent something.
but i liked the surprise element. i liked that this was one aspect of my life i could leave to chance. the consequences were nothing other than a less than thrilling hour or two.
but i think that this is what life needs. life demands a little more openness to new experiences and a little less judgment based on a solitary perspective. for me, living a year wholeheartedly meant being open to pursuing things unabashedly, unashamed of the passion that i felt.
last night i fell asleep with the rushing of rain hitting against my window. i let myself lay in silence (which is rare) but i am finding more and more necessary. i stayed awake well into my regular sleeping hours and i allowed myself to think on my day, on the stirrings in my heart, and the people down the hall and across town, and in the cities just north of here, and those that are states away. and i let myself feel the longings for those whom i missed, for the way that relationships change over the passing of years, and the heavy pangs that sometimes press in for those that are now gone.
sometimes these pains, these longings, and even this fullness of heart demands to be felt. sometimes i may just decide they need to be noticed and given attention. i cannot and will not let years, months, even days go by without noticing, without giving reverence to what my heart is saying.
i miss riding the f train into manhattan and exploring the magic of the city i so longed for many years to live in and see. that city and its culture catapults my thoughts into dreams. it still holds something for me. i don't know if it is a life or just another visit. i am trying to listen to my heart on that one and not be hindered by the cliche of such a dream. it takes sitting with it, sharing it, and praying it to begin to know what to do with it and whether it calls for a wholehearted pursuit.
dating was precarious at best. i was risky and took some chances which only seemed to lead down a path of hurt. dating as a full-grown adult is quite a slippery road to walk down and at times even a perilous experience, especially when one is trying to do all things wholeheartedly. what i do know is when i finally meet the man i choose to spend the rest of my life with it will mean so much more for every holiday photo taken alone, it will mean more for all the years when i learned to do things on my own, it will mean more for the life i've learned to maneuver on my own. for the many times i've thought i am too far gone to allow space and room for another...it will mean so much more.
2014 was a year that required faith and asking big questions about that faith and church. 2014 meant realizing that life requires more than just wholehearted attempts to give my all to everything i did. 2014 was about walking with friends as they entered into motherhood, standing with friends on their wedding day, praying and crying and laughing with friends facing infertility and cancer diagnoses. 2014 was the year i realized that relationships aren't built overnight. i realized that while community is an authentic God-given desire, cultivating one is almost impossible. i thought, perhaps in vain, if i just loved and gave of myself wholeheartedly it would be enough, but truly it never was. that isn't to say it wasn't worthwhile or without its meaning...it just wasn't everything i though it was going to be. but that is life isn't it?
disappointment is a part of it all. it always is when we have expectations.
but in spite of that, i enjoyed so much of this year. life was a mixed bag of experiences and events. it was the year of new restaurants, great books, reunion concerts, having your tweet favorited by a celebrity, grocery store pick-up lines, puppy dates, discovering the good wife and it becoming an obsession, deciding on a second tattoo, battling worry and fear in a hardcore way, hugging brett eldredge, paying off a student loan, sharing the most vulnerable parts of my heart with some unexpected people and learning to accept the both/and aspects of life and what is gracefully and joyfully.
this was the year i will look back on as truly bittersweet.
as the calendar turns and tomorrow begins a new chapter, i feel not quite ready to shut the door on 2014. i believe so much of what was learned and experienced this year are necessary to hold onto and carry with me a little closer. it sometimes feels as though i am on the cusp of a great self-revelation. so i am holding tighter than i usually do. perhaps what i've learned and experienced will directly impact what 2015 holds.
and so i await with great anticipation what the turn of the calendar has in store for all of us.
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