on 30//my currency

"if you are lucky, there is a moment in your life when you have some say as to what your currency is going to be.  i decided early on it wasn't going to be my looks...my currency became what i wrote and said and did."//amy poehler

1) i've learned that writing is hard.  it's much harder than i thought, and definitely not for the reasons i previously thought.  it's hard to be okay with, as anne lamott so eloquently put, "writing shitty first drafts".  creating a novel is one of the most challenging processes, especially when one wants to write without pretension. if anything, this process has taught me to write without over-thinking. i'm trying to write what i remember for exactly what it was, not a romanticized idealization of what was.  i know now that i want to write what is real.  st. augustine said truth is like a lion, not something you need to defend, let it loose and it shall defend itself.  and so, i will be most earnest to write and speak truth. with love.  hopefully, always with love.  beyond that, or perhaps encompassing all of that, i am accepting that writing is really a rather ineffable thing.  steinbeck said we should write to and for our readers.  otherwise, what interest will they have in what we read and say.  but really, right now, i only write for myself. and i continue to be good with that. i will take the encouragements and truths from those writers i admire and i will implement them into my own practice, because that makes me better.

2) in spite of a love for writing i can recognize that my strength really isn't found in my words.  i'm learning that words are limiting.  they often do not convey the sentiments and emotions i so longingly wish to express.  it comes out a little better in writing, but hardly ever is my strength in unplanned spoken words.  sometimes, though written words have come out well enough to be considered a strength, but it is certainly not a reliable strong point.  so even though, i sometimes wish words and writing were my currency, i would not claim that they are.  and this too, i can accept.

3) my currency is not found in beauty or charm, or even kindness or compassion...because those are at best unreliable, popping up without any will on my part, but rather by grace, prayers and grand efforts.  and some days, let's face it, these things just won't happen.

4) if anything, i am learning/have learned (and am again accepting) that my currency varies.  on different days and different moments i feel like this is it.  it presents itself, and i think, oh, here it is, i'm ticking and beating and it is vibrant and dynamic,  but it is often ever so slippery and gone in an instant. and this is okay.  so when asked, what is my currency? i can be vague and say that it is many things, and for today it is...

5) it's true what they say, the older you get, the less (you realize) you actually know. this world is an immensely competitive place and growing up is such a mysterious process.  it's not always easy to recognize when growth happens and how.  thirty has shed more light on that which is truly important and those things that just really don't matter.  and what it all boils down to is this.  30 has made me realize i cannot and never will i be...perfect.  another way of making this all the more clear to myself is the every day reminder that i can control so very little in my life, and absolutely nothing outside of it.

6) for most of my life perfection was my currency.  it hurt me in a great many ways, but perfection fueled the trying and the writing, it kept a part of me chugging along through disappointment and distraction, and for those reasons alone, i can appreciate the version of myself that forced me into forward movement at the worst of times.  it helps to realize those ill parts of ourselves also offer some good.  and mostly it points me back to Him who was and is perfect. and that knowledge, known and felt in His presence, is my true currency.

7) i firmly believe it's okay to say no when asked out.  not every man's interest needs to be addressed. and though i struggle with this, it doesn't have to include a lie to justify it.  just be honest.  30 and single, does not equate to desperate and willing to settle.

8) let's not take each other out of context. i hate that.  let's be willing to grasp the whole big picture otherwise, what good are we to each other? a big picture point of view makes for lasting relationships. 

9) i am not, nor will i ever be, my mother, or my best friend, or my heroes, or even the very best dreamed up version of myself.

10) my dreams are not a husband and babies, nor are they my nice home and my career.  these dreams that fill the longings and desires in my heart are so much more than that.

30 means embracing what is to come...however long of a chapter that it will become, only God knows...but 30 means reawakening those sidelined dreams by praying them up unabashedly and working towards them step by step.