writing to change the world//bird by bird

"I did this for several years.  I wanted to be published so badly.  I heard a preacher say recently that hope is a revolutionary patience; let me add that so is being a writer.  Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work; you do not give up." ~Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird

"Writing and therapy are both about creating the conditions that allow us to take people to the mountain.  When people's breathing changes and their eyes fill with wonder, they will walk down that mountain ready to perform miracles." ~Mary Pipher, Writing to Change the World

There is something noble about those who can put pen to page and write something beautiful, meaningful, profound, funny, heart-wrenching, captivating, and mysterious.  I will never not be in awe of such individuals.  Their discipline and their imaginations, I envy.  

I am beginning to realize, or rather taste, the hard work that is writing.  The pull to write is inescapable.  It's like once you give in to it, it continually demands your attentive presence.  So, here I sit, writing, waiting for the words to come, often writing words I wish hadn't come.

I suppose I am even thankful for the words I wish hadn't come, because there have been so many seasons of life where there were no words at all.

I reread old drafts and wonder what on earth I was thinking when I wrote those words.  But they were words that filled up an important moment.

So I read, I listen to words as they are sung, spoken, prayed, and the most important words that are whispered...I replenish, I move, and quiet my soul, and then I write again.

Really, the writing is just for me.  At this point, it is just for me.  And I don't know if that is selfish or if it is kind to spare others of the words and stories that pour out.  I suppose for this season, the writing is for my soul.  And that is good.  The writing, I believe, is what God calls me to. 

Then I consider, what does it mean to my God, that I sit down and write everyday?

...

Will my writing change the world?

I don't know.

I honestly don't know that I care, either.

If the writing that pours forth from my fingertips changes one life, encourages one soul, then it means something beyond what it meant for me.

And for me, it is really something.
It is the writing that engages me with life.
With my own life.
My own living and breathing and thinking.

And that is something.
Because for a long time...I couldn't.

So I make sure I am attentive and engaged with this little life of mine, that has purpose and meaning, though I don't always see it.

But I'm here.
And while I am, I will write...hopefully about things that matter, for people who matter, for me, and unto Him.  Because all of that matters, quite a bit.  Amidst a world of chaos and catastrophe, amidst a life of sadness and joys, it is this small thing, this writing, that encourages in part the idea of pressing on.
And also knowing
it can do big things
in some form or fashion.

Big things that aren't found in the publishing or being known, but rather in the creation of conditions that allow us to go and take people to the mountain.