to sunday//to Someone

i like to awake early with You.

let's walk together and enjoy the sunrise and the cool crisp air.
let's breathe together the smells of wet grass and listen to the sounds of water lapping.  and let's talk about how much You amaze me.

let's meet at the coffee shop and grab the times and sip a hot latte.  as i read the headlines, tacit prayers rest on my lips.  You hear them.
let's go to church together.  and i will worship, and pray, and listen, and let You speak, and we will fellowship, and pour in and be poured into.

let's run an errand or two.
let's have a leisure lunch.

then when afternoon falls, lets grab a favorite book and lounge around where we will keep warm, in the sun, or on the couch under a crocheted blanket. let's talk about what is read.  let's really listen to each other. help me to be open and raw and let the conversation unfold into new depths.

and then we will cook together, because this day is special and holy.  it's different.  i want to invite You in to every part and we will just be.

the dishes can be a monday chore.
the evening is ours to relax and to relish the day and what's left of the weekend.
we are here and this is now, and it is wonderful.

the unknown ahead is okay, because we have today, and these days, they are ours....forever.

i look forward to You, and sharing this with you face to face, and knowing better the wonderful unknown of You.

why love isn't all you need//february favorites.

28 days later.

59 days in.

this valentine's day, i was not at all sad to be alone.  perhaps i am used to it now, this fate of mine throughout my whole 20-somethings.  never having one, tried and true companion, to call my own.  i spent many a v-day being sad about this, or longing for a particular someone.  well, perhaps it is the lack of an interesting particular someone in my life that helps me to keep it altogether.  either way i managed to make it through february unscathed by the longings for love.  to be quite clear, i am rather content in my singleness.  not to say that i don't have any interest in my someday someone.  but, i'm truly good in the solo time for now...and frankly am quite the expert.  and i am learning to be better to myself.  less damning thoughts, more kindness.  i will happily treat myself to an afternoon movie, or brave the farmer's market, and walk the beach with my pup and a good book.  i know one day, hopefully, these are things i can enjoy with another, but for now, i won't let any happiness and enjoyment be taken away from doing these things alone.

babies are on their way all the way around.  it makes me feel new feelings when i see these dear friends i've known for a good chunk of my life suddenly turn into mothers.  they amaze me and i admire them.  i am not sure what all of this is stirring inside of me, but it's something new...

my friend r made it her goal for her thirtieth year to become a conscious eater.  i loved this.  i think this is something i've really been trying to put into full effect for years now, but it's a noble goal (and now one of my thirty things for thirty).   there have been seasons and parts of my twenties that have been very health conscious, but my desire is to let it invade all parts of my eating and living.  fresh, pure, limited in sugar, free of processed nonsense is what i want to feed my body with.

this year, really overall is about building wellness and healthy habits into my life.  you know, those real adult things, saving money, reading more, daily exercise, planned dates, budgets, less lazy, more proactive...that's my life now...and i like it.

february, you've been good to me.  bad days-0, some difficult moment kind of days-27, blue days-2,  happy, over the moon days-1...here's to march! i so look forward to a month in which we welcome spring, and longer days, and baseball season, and the hope of summer, and the season of lent, and the beauty of flowers, and a glimmer of warmth...and, and, and...so many wonderful things. 

spoken in the stars.

there's something to the end of February, early March time of year.  the hope of spring, the hint of longer days, a cleanness to the air, an overall renewal of sorts.  i always think every season is my favorite, but when spring rolls in, something inside me just breathes relief and inhales joy.  spring is my season.  there is something so perfect about California in the spring.  being a native you would think i could speak life to that statement, but i can't.  it's just something you have to experience for yourself to know.

even right now, sitting at my desk, the cool air pouring in through my cracked bedroom window, the last bits of sun still lay out over the front yard, and i hear birds tweeting their tunes.  it's perfect, really.  all of it.

i imagine that these moments are what heaven is like.  all of this enjoyment, all of this perfection, and wonder, all of it relates to a big and mighty God.  a God whose imagination is beyond comprehension that He would think to create such perfect loveliness.  He being so good, that He made me to love and notice this perfect wonder too.

and that is what I love most in all of this, this season, this weather, this cleanness of a fresh canvas in a new season, is that He made me to love it.  He made me to be inspired by it.  He created this time of year to be my season, where I cultivate new goals, and rid my life of that which has hindered progress, and truly embrace this romance with Him.  the love affair that is spring feels as though it is just for me.  He spoke it in the stars, knowing the day He planned my arrival on this earth, spring would be ours.

Lately I've Been...

feeling inexplicably (maybe not so inexplicably) stressed to the point of tears.

yet overwhelmed by God's grace and love (which also brings me to tears).

listening to Greg Laswell's "And Then You (2013 Remake)" on ridiculous repeat.

spoiled by sunny warm summery days.

trying to think bigger for my Thirty for 30 plans.

revisiting my Patrick Wilson crush of 2010 with A Gifted Man viewings on Netflix.

trying to pursue my writing goals with wholeheartedness and lots of self-imposed deadlines.

attempting to be more open which is really rather vague and yet something i refer to often as of late.

trying to give more of myself...there's a plan to this.

enjoying my daily walks with Penn more than ever.

looking to expand my horizons in more ways than one...

perusing instagram for zooey style inspire when i should be working.

a deep aching.

do you ever slow down enough to feel it?  that pull, or maybe it's a tug, or sometimes even a kick in the chest.

do you feel it?  or is it just me?

that deep ache.

it's there.  underneath the distractions, the fast paced lifestyles, the supression, the busy demands, it's under all of that.


it's an answerable ache.

but sometimes i don't know what the answer is, or where to find it, or how to get it, and then live it.

i wish i could explain it better.  i wish i had the words that breathed life into it.  but they're not here.  i thought they might come if i sat down and tried to write about it.

i used to think there was a worldly answer for the deep ache.  perhaps a degree, a job, a companion, but in truth, i realize moreover everyday that none of those are answers.

i suppose the answer doesn't need words.  there is something to the honesty of simply admitting the ache is there.  as well as the admission of the fact that i've tired of trying to distract myself from it with a fast paced life, or burying it with busy demands.  though it cannot remain buried underneath for long.

it is recognizing that it needs His touch.  His healing.  His guidance.  His love.  His peace.  His comfort.  His hope.  His forgiveness.  His answer.

and for me, that isn't a one time thing.  it's an everyday thing.  it's a moment by moment thing.

its the confrontation and the journey through it that scares me.  the honesty it requires.  the fearful admissions it demands.  the wonderful frightening unknown it brings with it.

to think i'll be okay on my own, handling it myself for even an hour proves me wrong every time.

i need Him.

the One who'll never leave me.

nor forsake me.

Hope is coming for me and for you.

how the flu cured my worry//january joys

31 days in.

a month can go by so quickly.

and it's been a weird one.

nothing has panned out how i meticulously planned and yet i am not overly discouraged and hope for better and more seems to be hanging in strong.

january began with the best of intentions, much like it always does.  new goals, fresh starts, changes...these are the things that define the beginning of a new year.  oh but how quickly that newness slipped away into the suddenly same old same old.

but the unexpected arrived and the shifts inside me were and are rather remarkable.

the flu brought much needed rest which allowed me the time to renew and refresh.

and with that renewal and refreshment began this marked peace inside of me.  usually i am overcome with worries and fears about so so so many things.  but this rest and refueling, this need to offer myself greater care, caused the worries and fears to subside and me to accept what is and live with it.  there are some acceptances that aren't good, but this was an acceptance i needed.  and it was quite a strange way for it to come in.  for someone who is not sick often, it really gets me down when it comes.  and this time around, i am beyond thankful for it getting me down, because in so many ways that rest gave me so much...space to think...to be...to dwell in Him.

rather than january being filed with too many commitments and being stretched too thin, i for once, have really began to feel that which is"right" for me.  unfortunately i cannot seem to mark this "rightness" with words that are clear and concise for me to remember and refer back to.  it's just a gut feeling, you know?

which is new and better of me...because i am learning to be kinder to myself, less harsh, less demanding, more graceful.

dear ones in my life, who know me all too well, would stand and applaud at that last statement.  being kind and gracious to myself is a rarity.  i suppose i can chalk this new revelation up to the flu as well.  thanks sickness, you've been good to me.

January, for the record: sickness-1, sad days-2, accomplishing goals-2, crying in the car on the way home-1, days i really truly loved-4, blue days-3, learning to be kinder-16*

here's to a new month. welcome, february!

more faith.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin
when i was nine years old my favorite thing to do was go out and about and play by myself.

not much has changed.

i used to create imaginary worlds, whether on paper, or simply in my head.  i had all these fantastical ideas of the characters and special places of my very own imagined world.  i would lay in the front yard, under a tree affectionately named "roggy", and dream.  there are so many things i would dream about...who and what i would be when i grew up,  i would imagine a variety of alternate lives i could be living in.

a young maiden living in a castle.
a rough around the edges tomboy growing up on a farm in the south.
life as a royal in a small european country.
or maybe i was an animal...
or what if i didn't exist at all...

these were the places my nine year old mind took me.  wherever it was i always felt a little more alive in my imagination than i did in reality.

the funny thing is, nothing was particularly sad, dull, or unhappy about the world i was living in, i just seemed to enjoy and bask in the alone time rather than actual real life time.

i did enjoy my actual friends and my daily life.  i had many friends in fact, who liked to do the things i liked to do too.  we'd spend days going on bike rides, swimming in the neighborhood pool, climbing trees, kicking around a soccer ball, roller blading, and reading archie comics while nursing push pops.  those friends and good times existed and yet still more often than not i usually found that the alone time of imaginary escape brought the greatest joys.

i think that alone time was necessitated by an overactive imagination that needed its daily space to run free and wild.  while more often than not i imagined happy lives and love and joy and wonder.  sometimes i would imagine death and destruction.  not death and destruction that i was instigating, but rather death and destruction that came about by some completely unnatural causes...perhaps that was the small amount of science-fiction influence in my life.

now, at twenty-nine, i find my favorite time is sitting down, putting pen to page, and entering into that imaginary world of characters and places and creating life with them.

this year, 2014, is decidedly my year to write.  it is my year to invest my heart and my life into this passion of mine.  as i really began to unfold and press out this dream in november, i found the story.  amongst vignettes and scribblings it began to piece itself together almost in its own power as if i had no influence on the words whatsoever.  i was just the fingers touching the keys and the hand holding the pen.

with the dedication to daily writing, i excitedly and wholeheartedly pursue this story.