chugging along...

i really like walking outside at night. i like it enough that i would actually refrain from making plans with someone just so i could have my evening open to walk around outside alone. i do this for the purpose of finding peace, for the purpose of clearing my head.  it gives me the quiet alone space to really think about things.  outside at night i feel loved, truly loved.  and in this quiet alone space, i enjoy Him. i stare at the moon, i admire the stars, and i breathe in the soft and silvery darkness.

i hate brushing my hair.  i never do it.  when my hair is silky, soft, and straight, well,  i just don't feel like myself.  a messy pony tail, a loose braid, a tangled side swept mess, or a knot on the top of my head suits me best.

i feel the most comfortable in my car. driving along in guaranteed solitude is my sanctuary.  i can listen to whatever i want, or i can relish the silence.  i don't have to answer my phone and i don't care who's looking.   i will sing my heart out, pick my nose, have a messy cry, or just pray out loud.  it's the only place i can do all these things...freely.

i much more like to watch shows and read magazines about funny, curvy, happy girls, rather than thin beautiful ones.  that isn't to say that one cannot be defined by all of those things, but truly, i'd much rather see and enjoy the genuine, authentic happiness than conform to what "they" say will make you happiest.

there's nothing more perfect than january sun.  these 70 degree, crisp clear days, make me long for an always summer kind of life.

i still love to wear dresses with jeans.  being freakishly tall, makes most dresses far too short for just regular wear.  so dresses and jeans are just the best combination.  i still feel so feminine when i pair the two.  a soft pink dress with dark wash skinny jeans and sparkly flats, it is just so me.  on that note, anything that sparkles is a winner.  i'm just that kind of girl.

hummus and pita is by far the greatest food.  i could eat it everyday and feel full and happy.

ryan gosling movies are just sooo good.  if the same movie existed with any other actor but him, i would not think it the same, but since it's him, i can say, they are just sooo good.

baking is my forte.  when i'm covered in flour, and the house is filled with fresh warm oven smell, i feel i'm at my best.

if i'm known for being a sweet and kind person, i am okay with that.  smarts and beauty are overrated.

i'm on a mission to find balance in life. i don't want work to dominate my life.  i don't want passion and ambition to cause me to neglect relationships.  i am emotional, and i cry more days than i don't.  i am soft, and i like to make other people happy, so i will bend and sway to meet their needs.  sometimes i feel like i just need to sit this one out, to regain composure, to maintain fire, or to just feel like i still want to be here, and i still want to do this. so i will. i'll sit it out, and it'll be okay.  sometimes i have to be harsh and firm, to make a point, to gain respect, and i'm finding that's okay too.  i am who i am.  i can and will change.  so will you.  i won't always like my hair messy.  nor will i be a fan of every single ryan gosling movie to come.  i will always be freakishly tall, and i will never stop thinking hummus and pita are the best foods.  some of these things are the core of who i am, while other parts will change and fade away.

i am who i am.  but i'm still figuring things out.

i will keep chugging along.

a new year//still new

i found myself quickly getting discouraged as my new year got very busy, very fast.  over the course of one week, i fell back into my old ways, too busy to think, process, or really feel the days i am in.  i refuse to let this course of action define my next week, and the upcoming months.  they threaten to be quite busy.  but i'm desperately hoping and fiercely praying to maintain purpose, to really find a work/life balance, to focus on things that matter and really count, rather than getting caught up in day to day troubles that really don't or won't amount to anything of any real value, that matters for me or anyone else.

i can never be too busy to pour something of value into my students everyday as i teach.
i can never be too busy to encourage a person in my daily path, who seriously needs to be noticed and encouraged.
i can never be too busy to begin my day with Jesus.  to sit at His feet, to listen to His voice, to say wow, thank you, and help me.
i can never be too busy throughout my day to miss His voice, calling me, prodding me, luring me, singing me songs of hope, glory, and wonder.
i can never be too busy to deny myself the simple pleasures i so deeply love and long for. (lattes, nature walks, puppy cuddles, laughter, and mom talks.)
i can never be too busy to answer a text.
i can never be too busy to help out, where ever i am at.

it's a new year that is still new.  it's not too late to make it all count for something.  i seek transformation.  my life can change, i can be refined...

twenty thirteen/thirty/transformation.

as 2013 is just beginning, and i am entering my last full year of being in my twenties (yikes) i've begun to do as i always do, and that is, make a list.  that's just what i do.  i make lists.  i like to have a really good idea of what i am doing, where i am going, and how i am going to get there. 

something about a list is so completely satisfying to me.  the act of crossing through an accomplished task is just feels so good.  i think having a "list" gives life a certain sort of direction that really it begs for.  when it comes to a new year, i always have a list.  it's not a list of resolutions, per say, but rather a list to lead in a direction.  and that direction, i believe is a direction of goodness. i am not so much interested in the actual event of new year's.  in fact, the turning of the clock at midnight to usher in 2013 was spent in a chilly parking lot, waiting for a friend while her car battery was charging. i drove home early tuesday morning, and people were in the streets celebrating.  i actually found comfort in their celebrating.  they waved as i drove by as i was headed home to my solitude.  i  took a shower, ate 2 peanut butter cookies, and slipped into bed with my puppy and tess of the d'urbervilles.  for me it was a perfect way to usher in the new year.  

but now that we are full swing into 2013, i really start pondering what this year holds for me.  what do i want to accomplish?  what kind of things do i hope to do?  and the list in my mind starts growing...perhaps its verging on some sort of disorder.  i have a list of  movies to watch, books to read, there is my ever growing itunes wishlist that completely defies my bank account. there are lists for dream vacations (paris, greece, south africa), there's a bucket list of shows to see, and a list for places around the city to go.

 then there's big financial planning lists, small budget planning lists, a list for non-existent kid’s names. there are the target lists, grocery lists, and lists for weekly chores. there’s the list of personal goals (i.e. buy only three new purses this year, join a yoga class, eat more cruciferous vegetables, get regular sleep…), then there are the life giving/monumental/meaning filled lists: get married, go sailing, travel, finish my book, go to nyc, run a 10k, etc.  so as we get right down to it with a new year, with 483 days until i turn 30, and the desperate need to attend to the burning desire to keep building more and more good, life giving wonder into my life and days, i'm making a list for twenty thirteen and my exaggerated countdown to thirty. 

the word for my year is transformation.  i really want to see my life transform in every aspect.  to transform; to make a thorough change in the form, appearance, and/or character of.  i want to transform my life by choosing to live healthy every day. this year i am changing my focus on healthiness to be much more practical.  every week will be spent focused on a different aspect of my overall health that is stretching beyond the physical, to the emotional, the mental, and the spiritual.  words like hydrate, rest, nourish, unplug, dream, pray, reconnect, boost, stretch, practice, cook, balance, order, dress, all embody the effort i will put towards gaining and maintaining overall healthiness.  
i want to transform my life by reading. a lot. finally i can call myself an english teacher (hooray). i really believe books just make you smarter. i tell my students that all the time, and i know its true for me. i finally get to teach novels.  i have so so so many i want to read, so many i’ve read and loved. i just think reading is one of the most enriching things we can do with our time.  i am stoked to read and talk about books with my friends, and to do this with my students. mainly i would like to finish those beast of books, i either read long ago and have since forgotten the important details and emotional impact of, or finally attempt the novel i bought years ago and never read, or the book i keep making it halfway through only to walk away for too long and by the time i come back, i cannot remember where i left off. so with the seasons, over the next year and a half, i’d like to finally conquer(or conquer again) east of eden, les miserables, & anna karenina. 

i want to transform my perspective on life stuff. there are things I cannot really control, and there are things that I can. basically all of those life things we think we so very deeply want, a love, marriage, and family…I’ve struggled over the years of whether that is something I want too.  truthfully, I still am unsure about it all fully.  I think the difference now is, that I am open to it.  I am open to seeing if it something I really do want for my life.  I am closer to love and marriage, but so far from creating a family.  This year, I will pray about it.  I will pray about it a lot.  And I will be open.  I won’t say “no” anymore, when I really mean “yes.” i will take more chances.

then there is life stuff, part 2. the whole career thing, the being financially stable, owning a home, sort of thing.  it seemed so impossible to me for so long to attain any of that. and now, I find myself embarking upon the career I worked so hard for, and longed so much for.  and with that comes greater financial security and more serious future planning, such as paying off debt, and perhaps having a place, that is really my own.  and then there is the dreams part of life. they are those things beyond the real life stuff.  the things you often think about, the things you wonder about, and put your heart into, never knowing if they will really happen. the things that hold so much more beauty and possibility than reality really offers us. they are those things that often go unspoken for fear of their never coming to fruition.  for me, in my twenty eighth year those dreams mainly revolve around writing and traveling.  i want to see london, paris, and greece.  i want to write about…well, so much.  what if? it is always there, constantly confronting me. what if? what if by the time i’m 30, i’ve walked in paris underneath the rain? what if i wrote something and shared it with someone else? what if? what if i was unafraid to put a greater voice and passion to those dreams?  what if they actually happened?  so this is my list, my thoughts, my plans, for twenty eight, and twenty thirteen, and the road to thirty.  it really isn't a to do list of any kind...it is simply desires all meshed together.  it is further growing into my adult life.  it is becoming more responsible, it is not losing sight of those truest parts of myself.  it is pressing on with courage and hope.  it is putting my heart and soul and desires all into my Lord's hands.  and it is knowing that He is the author and creator of all of it, of all of me.  all of these dreams, and life stuff, and real things, they are His, they are from Him, and all I can really do is know that they are there, and pray for them and about it, and press it all into His hands, trusting and knowing that ultimately the most important part of all of it, is that He is with me, He cares about all of it, knows about all of it, and knows how it will all come together.  Lord, i know how i want things to go, how i hope it will happen, how i feel about it all right now, and what i would like to see unfold in the next year.  but i trust that YOU know what is best.  You have a plan, a perfect plan.  these are my thoughts and hopes, wonderings, prayers, and dreams.  do with me as you please.  transform my life as you see fit.

a white blank page.

LIFE lessons//2012

my mantra of “with all my heart” faded in and out of my year.  I struggled to remember it at times, I struggled to live it a lot.  but I always longed for it.  i wanted it.  i wanted to do life with my whole heart, no matter what I was doing.  even when it was making a latte for a rude customer, or cleaning up another puppy accident, fulfilling another bridesmaid duty, being a patient teacher, loving when it seemed impossible, trying to meet that writing deadline, or waiting….enduring this seemingly forever waiting, i wanted to do it with the best of me, all of me.  i remember countless mornings sitting with my prayer partner at school, saying “pray for me to find balance. I want to do all of it with my whole heart. that was my prayer and the cry of my heart this year. though i was tired a lot and grumpy a lot.  i was worried much of the time and often felt sad.  in the same vein, I was happy a lot and I was beyond blessed to find what I had been praying, hoping for, and dreaming of for so long, well, to finally be doing it.  this year I became a teacher and from that experience i've learned that...

becoming a teacher does not look the way I though it would. that does not negate any gratitude and joy that i feel in doing it though. No matter what, I am thankful to be doing what I'm doing.  

a lot of this year was spent learning time and time again, through a multitude of situations, and a culmination of chaos and calm, that i cannot, no matter how hard i try, scheme, attempt, hope, pray, practice, or whatever, i can never ever be perfect.  it'll probably take a lifetime before i finally truly accept that.  the beauty in that battle of perfectionism, is that i find when i falter, or mess up, there is always a fresh start right around the corner. i can always begin again.

"adventures" and "experiences" are the best parts of life...a road trip, those endless drives to l.a. for this thing or another, going on another first date, seeing the band you madly love, sharing the truest parts of yourself with someone else, enjoying laughter, being in the moment, letting go, waiting, praying, sitting on the beach, walking alone, all of it, all of these things hold their own special joy and sorrow.  joy and sorrow can be held together.  and there is something special in that.  there is something special in my experiences, and i wouldn't trade any of my experiences for anyone else's or anything else.

somewhere along this year i lost the joy of reading.  reading became this chore that i didn't ever want to start.  my shelves sagged with these unopened journeys waiting to be taken, constantly calling my name, but never did i begin one in a real heartfelt way.  and finally i can say i miss it. i miss those places and people i haven't even met yet.  i miss those words i haven't yet chewed on.  i miss them, terribly.  and now i'm ready to take many journeys, and make new friends, and fall in love, with those people and places that have just been sitting there, patiently waiting for me.

about mid-june a friend of mine asked me, "how's husband search 2012 going?"  i couldn't remember what i told him to make him think that was my goal for this year.  i smiled, and shared with him the guy i was currently seeing, the guy i was trying to force myself to like, and just couldn't.  i still don't know why.  he was so very nice.  so very sweet, and yet so very dull.  nothing about him really excited me, inspired me, challenged me, or interested me.  i realized that this search for "the one" couldn't be calculated or contrived.  i can't force it.  i can't make it happen in my timing.  but i am open to it, i'm surrendered to it, i'm filled with faith about it, and i'm not trying to make it happen, i am just living my life...come what may.

creating.  this is what stirs my soul, moves my body, ignites passion, uplifts my spirit, and drives me to press on.  i love creating stories in my head, and putting pen to paper.  i see an image in my mind and putting paintbrush to canvas is just so life giving.  this urge to create connects me to the loved ones i've lost.  this nurturing spirit inside of me for the art of words and the beauty of art satisfies my soul in a way that perhaps, a person never could.  creating words that flow together, creating a mash of color that evokes a particular emotion, it satisfies me.  i worship in these outpourings of creativity.  i pray in the words.  i sing in the colors. i feel every part of it.  the movements, the honesty, the authenticity of it all gives me purpose.  thank you God, Creator, for giving us the creativity and the ability to create.

as this year comes to a close, these lessons could read like a list of gratitude.  truly it is all something i am so thankful for...a realization, a renewal, a new beginning, a refresher, and a reminder.
and all of this, every bit of it, causes me to look toward 2013 with great hope.  there's only room for growth here.

Jesus & Christmas//A Red & Green Glow

I’m one of those people that loves Christmas, like really loves Christmas.  Before Thanksgiving I am listening to Christmas songs.  By Black Friday I’ve planned what Christmas show/movie I will watch when, the decorations are already down, and I am crafting my Christmas gift list.  And just a few days before Christmas, I am my truest self. Frantically trying to get all my last minute shopping. baking, and decorating done, all the while listening to Christmas music, watching Christmas specials, and obsessively checking my bank account to make sure I am still on track.

What happens to change every year is the part of Christmas that hits home for me.  Sometimes it’s a different song, or a portion of Scripture, or maybe a theme, a new recipe, or even a new movie.

Last year was special because I watched “It’s a Wonderful Life” for the first time with my mom on Christmas Eve.  I had my first taste of rum and eggnog, and I had my last Christmas with my beloved kitty.  Yesterday I found a picture of us together on Christmas morning, and I wept, thankful that it was a moment captured.

The year before, I loved the song, “This Christmas.”  My dad did too.  We were on a mission to find every version possible, determined to find the best one.  We’re still looking.  

In 2009, I started the tradition of reading “Little Women” every Christmas.  And I began awaking early before the rest of the family, curling up on the couch with a kitty, and watching Little Women, with hot coffee in hand, and the Christmas tree lit up.

The year before that, my mom and I began attending Christmas Eve services at  Journey.  I love the effort, and the unique way that church presents Christmas.  The first year this group of ladies performed a dance to “Timeless” by Kate Havnevik.  It was so beautiful.  I just remember being in awe, and to this day, I still remember each graceful move.  So much a demonstration of the grace of God shown in sending His Son to earth as a babe.

Pastor Ed always explores a different aspect of the story of the birth of Christ.  It is so non traditional, and I love it.  It opens my eyes to see the depth and the true feeling in this story.  It feels so real in the present, rather than just being a piece of history to be reviewed.

This year I am exploring new parts of Christmas.  I have been infatuated with “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.”  For some reason, this song, this year, has affected a different part of me.  As I researched the history of the song, I had no idea it was introduced by Judy Garland in the musical Meet Me in St. Louis.  I love how important the song was for the soldiers serving in WWII.  I love that this is a Christmas Song that has special meaning, amongst many Christmas Carols with an even more special meaning.

This year I am also looking at the story of the birth of Christ differently.  I am ashamed to say, that as I was teaching my International students about the story of the birth of Christ, I failed to realize an important difference between the gospel of Luke’s telling, and the gospel of Matthew’s telling, in specific regard to the difference between the shepherd's story and the magi's story.  Perhaps I had realized it at one point or another, but I found myself lumping their two stories together when truly there are vast differences.  What I found to be so amazing in this story was the faith of the magi.  The shepherds, like Mary encountered an angel, well they even encountered a multitude of angels telling them of the birth of Christ.  While the magi, trusted the guidance of a star, and traveled thousands of miles to come and meet their Savior.  Their faith moved them in a significant way.  So amazing!

Today Christmas will be simple, as it almost always is.  A day spent at home, doing simple things, enjoying simple things.  Perhaps what marks this Christmas of 2012 is a little bit of sadness.  One can't help but think of the many precious lives lost recently.  Those far away in tragedy, and the ones nearest, while less tragic, still hold their own sadness.  But in sadness we can find comfort in who we still have around us, and in the One we celebrate.  His coming to earth, incomprehensibly as man.  His coming to earth to feed the hungry and satisfy the thirsty.  He came to bring us Words and Life.  That is something joyful to celebrate today and cherish.

A MUSICal History//MY CALIFORNIA

Life is often defined by music.  If I think back on the last 15 or so years of my life, each year I can remember definitively by the music I was listening to.  It has had such a profound influence on my life.  Thankfully, my tastes have changed over the years.  But that is not said to negate any goodness from the music I once loved.  If it wasn’t for Keith Sweat’s “Twisted” I would never have been able to endure my middle school crush on Maurice.  If it wasn’t for Hanson, who else would have adorned my walls in jr. high thanks to the centerfolds and pin ups from BOP magazine.  N’Sync was the topic of most of our sleepover discussions freshman year of high school.  And how else would I have endured boring Chemistry if I didn’t have which Backstreet boy would make a more suitable boyfriend to ponder.  It was always argued that Nick Carter was definitely the kind of guy you could bring home to Mom, while A.J’s piercings and tattoos might freak Dad out a little too much.

But then I grew up & so did my musical tastes.

I went through my country phase.  In a moment of devout abandon to my Christian faith I felt the need to purge my music collection entirely of any non-Christian music.  For a year I only listened to worship or Christian themed songs, intermixed with some classical pieces.  I thought God would be proud of my musical tastes.  I only wanted to listen to songs about Him.  But the truth was I missed the other stuff.  I missed the melodies of folk tunes.  I missed the instrumentality of bluegrass, I missed the poetic lyrics of love gone wrong, overcoming hardship, having a crush, dreaming about another life and land, or just a simple love song.  I began to realize that if music wasn’t polluting my mind, why couldn’t I listen to it?  So slowly but surely I began to integrate the artists that connected to my heart and soul back into my collection, and yes, even some Britney and N’Sync remain there.  I think God cares about what we think about.  It’s not so much what we listen to, as what we listen to causes us to think about.  I want to think on things that are lovely. (Philippians 4)  And that’s what I believe my music collection contributes to.

I’d like to say my music taste has become more refined over the years.  I suppose maturing does that to you.  The last four years specifically have been very defined by music.  Since 2008 I have become an avid concertgoer.  I fell in love with live music when I began going to Nickel Creek shows.  Something about the instruments, and the voices, the emotion and meaning behind the songs, really come alive when they are played live. 

And I have seen some amazing live shows.  Coldplay, Dave Matthews Band, Mumford and Sons,  The Shins, Punch Brothers, She and Him, The Swell Season, Mates of State, Joshua Radin, Greg Laswell, Ingrid Michaelson, Sara Bareilles, Lucy Schwartz, The Weepies, Mat Kearney and Bon Iver to name a few.  I feel so blessed to be able to attend shows, some of which have honestly changed my life.  I can’t help but be amazingly inspired by the creative, intense, emotion and feeling that is brought out in song.

And when I fall for a band, I fall hard.  I mean, head over heels, crazy love.  There are few bands I would include, in what I call my heart home of music.  That is a musician that somehow always seems to create music that touches the deepest parts of my heart and soul, and carries me through the good and bad.  The Beatles are probably the foundation of my heart home.  They are the first band I ever remember listening to.  They have steadily remained the music that is the most meaningful to me.

I officially met the Dave Matthews Band in college and it became a serious relationship real fast. And I've lived my dream of seeing them thrice.

When I discovered Mumford and Sons in early 2011 I knew it was going to be true love.  And it still is.  I never tire of those voices, those lyrics carrying me through deep pain, and oh my goodness, that passion.  I saw them live a month ago, and it changed me. I wept through “The Cave” and smiled through every cheeky remark, every heartfelt lyric sung, made the biting cold, the four hour drive, and sitting in the nose bleed section worth it.
and hearing these lyrics sung before my very eyes, well, it was just perfect.

The best part of music for me is defined by the place I live, the great state of California.  I haven’t always loved living here.  In fact, for such a long time I was so determined to leave.  I wanted something a little less sunny, a little less warm, a little less, well, California.  But somewhere in the last two years or so, I’ve found myself loving this place more and more.  Sunny days, ocean, mountains, forest, trees, dreams, long stretches of highway, bustling city life, to small town quaint life, famous people, to the secret homes of writers.  So soooo much culture.  Everywhere.  L.A. being just a two-hour drive away.  San Francisco, a short flight, or a long day drive…it’s all here, at my fingertips.  Sports, entertainment, literally everything, and all of it themed around song.  All of it has some sort of musical memory attached to it.

Joey Ryan’s “California” takes you on a beautiful drive through the coastal parts of Central California.  Sarah McLachlan’s “Silence” accompanies my drives across the long stretch of the Interstate 8 on gray days.  Rainy Saturday mornings, with my bedroom window cracked, and the shudders open just enough to let a little dim light in is set best to Dido’s anthems.  I find Radiohead’s “All I need” dominating my iPod on my evening walks in January.  On Valentine’s we visit Balboa Park,  peruse museums and listen toJosh Kelley’s “Special Company”.  When I am reading on my bedroom floor, Nirvana’s “Come as You Are” just feels right.  On my frequent drives to L.A. nothing is better than Coldplay’s “A Rush of Blood to the Head” & "X and Y"  A hike up cowles mountain, or a walk around the lake requires some Iron and Wine or The Beatles.  On that early morning drive to Starbucks, nothing can calm my soul more than some Vivaldi, or Chopin. And when I’m headed to the beach, driving up the I-5, the most suitable tunes are by that San Diego surfing band, Switchfoot.

Music holds such deep meaning for me.  I hope everyone can have a special connection with it or like it with something. As I am driving the long stretch of Friars to Genesse to work on comes this tune, and i think to myself:

This. Is. ABSOLUTELY. beautiful.