becoming a teacher does not look the way I though it would. that does not negate any gratitude and joy that i feel in doing it though. No matter what, I am thankful to be doing what I'm doing.
a lot of this year was spent learning time and time again, through a multitude of situations, and a culmination of chaos and calm, that i cannot, no matter how hard i try, scheme, attempt, hope, pray, practice, or whatever, i can never ever be perfect. it'll probably take a lifetime before i finally truly accept that. the beauty in that battle of perfectionism, is that i find when i falter, or mess up, there is always a fresh start right around the corner. i can always begin again.
"adventures" and "experiences" are the best parts of life...a road trip, those endless drives to l.a. for this thing or another, going on another first date, seeing the band you madly love, sharing the truest parts of yourself with someone else, enjoying laughter, being in the moment, letting go, waiting, praying, sitting on the beach, walking alone, all of it, all of these things hold their own special joy and sorrow. joy and sorrow can be held together. and there is something special in that. there is something special in my experiences, and i wouldn't trade any of my experiences for anyone else's or anything else.
somewhere along this year i lost the joy of reading. reading became this chore that i didn't ever want to start. my shelves sagged with these unopened journeys waiting to be taken, constantly calling my name, but never did i begin one in a real heartfelt way. and finally i can say i miss it. i miss those places and people i haven't even met yet. i miss those words i haven't yet chewed on. i miss them, terribly. and now i'm ready to take many journeys, and make new friends, and fall in love, with those people and places that have just been sitting there, patiently waiting for me.
about mid-june a friend of mine asked me, "how's husband search 2012 going?" i couldn't remember what i told him to make him think that was my goal for this year. i smiled, and shared with him the guy i was currently seeing, the guy i was trying to force myself to like, and just couldn't. i still don't know why. he was so very nice. so very sweet, and yet so very dull. nothing about him really excited me, inspired me, challenged me, or interested me. i realized that this search for "the one" couldn't be calculated or contrived. i can't force it. i can't make it happen in my timing. but i am open to it, i'm surrendered to it, i'm filled with faith about it, and i'm not trying to make it happen, i am just living my life...come what may.
creating. this is what stirs my soul, moves my body, ignites passion, uplifts my spirit, and drives me to press on. i love creating stories in my head, and putting pen to paper. i see an image in my mind and putting paintbrush to canvas is just so life giving. this urge to create connects me to the loved ones i've lost. this nurturing spirit inside of me for the art of words and the beauty of art satisfies my soul in a way that perhaps, a person never could. creating words that flow together, creating a mash of color that evokes a particular emotion, it satisfies me. i worship in these outpourings of creativity. i pray in the words. i sing in the colors. i feel every part of it. the movements, the honesty, the authenticity of it all gives me purpose. thank you God, Creator, for giving us the creativity and the ability to create.
as this year comes to a close, these lessons could read like a list of gratitude. truly it is all something i am so thankful for...a realization, a renewal, a new beginning, a refresher, and a reminder.
and all of this, every bit of it, causes me to look toward 2013 with great hope. there's only room for growth here.
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