this year,

This year, thus far...has been marked by sickness, my dad, then me...my aunt facing possibly her final weeks as she bravely continues her battle with cancer. this morning i read a story today about a precious young girl from southern California who lost her battle with brain tumors on Thursday. and then today my mother celebrates her 54th birthday. we are now seven days into a brand new year, and yet the celebration seems far behind us now. as I grow older and graciously gain small amounts of wisdom here and there, i learn that sickness and health, sadness and joy, sorrow and hope, can coexist.

our health is one of the scariest things to lose, for a day, for a week, or for the rest of our lives. yet ironically we celebrate every year, the day we turn older, as we are nearer to our dying day. life's funny that way. some things we do obliviously. others we carefully consider, calculate, plan, and reflect upon. why do we choose what we choose and when? i cannot explain it, not today. i cannot control it, not ever. but after this week colored with discouragement I look to the next fifty one weeks ahead, encouraged. i am reminded I can count on and control very little to nothing. perhaps the best I can do, is do whatever I do, live my life, in its entirety, with all my heart. with all my heart. that is my theme for 2012, my mantra of sorts, "with all my heart." though most everything remains outside my real control, I can control how I respond to my circumstances, how i awake each day, in what attitude, how i go about my chores, my dreams, my relationships, my job, my year. i commit this year, 2012, to living with all my heart, in all things. That being said, this year:

i will stop saying yes, when i really mean no, and i won't say no, when i am too afraid to say yes.
i will visit the beach at least once a week to feel the sand between my toes and hear the ocean roar.
i will eat naturally as i possibly can, trying to do most of my shopping locally purchasing things organic and fresh.
i will run a marathon.
i will take a lot of pictures.
i will watch the top 100 AFI films.
i will write (my always talked about, never setting my mind to sitting and finishing) collection of short stories.
i will teach in a classroom.
i will read the books that cause my book shelves to sag rather than buying more books to break them.
i will make a point to hang out with my girlfriends at least once a week.
i will conquer my fear of relationships.
i will create art and not be afraid or ashamed to share it with others.

that is twelve things for 2012 that i will do, with all of my heart.