a discontented juror.

this week has gone quite unexpectedly. beginning monday morning i, with about 2,000 other people filed into the juror's room of the downtown courthouse and quietly awaited our fate. i came prepared for a day of sitting and waiting, well equipped with books, magazines, snacks, and a giant coffee. however, all of that proved to be unnecessary as i was called up in the first pool of jurors. we filed into one single line and followed one another up four flights of escalators, crossed a bridge to the main courthouse, and got called in one by one to a courtroom. as i entered and took my seat as juror #9, little did i know that would be my seat for the remainder of the week, and was greeted by the judge, who was warm and welcoming to us uncertain jurors.

after weening down a group of forty to a group of twelve, the trial began. a trial with one defendant versus the state of california. without getting into the details of the case, or the outcome, i must say i found myself wholly dismayed with the realities of this world and the people who reside in it. i always joke that i see the worst of the worst at my job, but the truth is, this sort of corruption is everywhere. it was such a strange thing, sitting in a room listening to all of these witnesses take the stand and solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and sit there and seemingly tell nothing but lies. it was even stranger listening to the appeals of attorneys who try to sway us by whatever means necessary to believe their side, and neither doing a very good or honest job.

to aid in my disillusionment i have been reading the winter of our discontent. steinbeck's last novel chronicling how money comes first and foremost for everyone over compassion and kindness. everyone is greedy and everyone is selfish. if it is financially beneficial for you, than you do it, no matter who it may hurt or alienate.

funny thing is...that's what everything in the courtroom boiled down to this week. money. who has it, who's losing it? even if you have a million dollars and you lost a thousand, you have to go after the person who cost you the thousand? it's heartbreaking to see. but in the same vein it inspired me. i don't ever want to be someone who lives for money. i never want to consider my money my own, that cannot be shared with others. i never want to raise my kids to think of money as a means of power or importance. i want to model for my students the good one can do with the money they are blessed with. kindness and compassion must come first. even for me, with the little money i have, i can still do something meaningful with it. if kindness and compassione wholly define my being and actions, my money would be put to good use i would imagine.

though its discouraging to see, i want to believe i can rise above this unkind, selfish, money focused society. i want to believe i can lead others toward a revolution of kindness, compassion, and helping one another...especially the younger generation that is being indoctrinated with this society of selfishness.

i have considered this passage of scripture to be my life verses for awhile now. i always find myself coming back to it, as such a solid reminder of how i want to live my life day in and day out. "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:12-17