an underestimation//and the fight that ensues.

i've made this wonderful (online) friend.  she doesn't know i'm her friend, but i like to think that if we met in real face-to-face life, we would be.

when i sit down and read her stories, the ones that take place some 2,500 miles from me, i can see us walking through life as kindred spirits, sitting on the front porch of one of our homes, drinking sweet tea, bonding over our affinity for the elderly, giggling over long lost love, and the currents that capture our hearts.

but you see, our friendship, as i like to think it, looks a bit different when all you have is the vast and fast paced world we call the Internet, to keep you connected.  my kindred spirits, my would be friends are those who take the time to sit down and write their stories down to share for any random stranger's eyes to behold.  it's really a quite odd formation to a connection, but i enjoy it so.

there is one gal in particular who i frequently read, and when she posts something new, I get so excited.  and it is not a read it on the spot excited, its waiting until i have a moment of quiet and peace where i can curl up in my desk chair with a cup of tea, open the window so i have fresh air blowing in, and then i pop open my laptop and find where i've bookmarked her writings, and i read, and i breathe, and it is a beautiful moment that is always sure to inspire and uplift my soul.

and i wonder if my writing could bring that to somebody?  and i wonder if my friendship could? i wonder if as a teacher i breathe that life and bring that excitement in?  i wonder...and in this wondering the strangest thing happened. 

do you ever come across moments where you suddenly realize: i've never thought this thought before. some days, as of late, more often than not, i do, think many thoughts i've never thought before.

maybe it's thirty that has birthed these new thoughts and feelings in my mind and heart.
which is different and nice because life is very cyclical.  and sometimes life seems very expected.

my mentor likened life to a spiral staircase, a journey in which you are always moving upwards, but often returning to similar events, issues, worries, etc.  so when brand new experiences, thoughts, or even worries creep in and are presented to you, it is often a 'woah' moment in which you stop and think to yourself,  i've never been here before.

and that is what has been plaguing my thoughts for the last week.  a new thought.  a completely unexpected wondering.  it's one very much akin to thoughts thought of before, but it's phrasing gives it a new spin, that caused me to see things and myself in a very different light.


"you underestimate yourself," he said.

i was silent.  i've never thought that before.  i've never been told that before.  yes, i've struggled with ideas similar to that, but i've never seen it in the light of underestimation.

we drove in the dark attempting to find the quickest way home.  i think we were both done with each other.  for some unknown reason, and yet it was clear to both of us. 

and his words, they stung. 

i wanted to ask, whatever do you mean?  but i didn't have to.  he pressed on and told me. 

he recounted the ways the entire evening, the last three weeks, perhaps my whole life, the ways in which i underestimate myself.  i was then thankful for the darkness of the car as the tears crept their way out, burning and then falling ever so quickly down to my lap.

"hmmm," was all i could vocalize.

he then took to messing with the air conditioning as i sped faster home.  i wanted him gone, i wanted to be away.  i never wanted to see him again.  and i probably won't.  and shouldn't that relax my mind and heart?

but it doesn't.  his words are still an ever present sting.

it's funny how words do that.  i remember last december grasping so tightly to another man's words and the life they spoke into me.  how they had carried me so far with hope and comfort.  and while they don't hold the same power they once did, they remain scripted on my heart, albeit one man's opinion, it didn't make it less worthy of meaning.

and while this most recent man's words did not destroy me, they certainly made me think.  this three date wonder's words.  the unlikeliest of sources with perhaps a great deal of wisdom and insight into me.

you see, he wasn't wrong.  i do underestimate myself.  i view myself as extremely limited and i don't know why.  and the limitations are quite strange and oppressive.  i let this underestimation dictate how i believe others must view me.

i don't see myself being or becoming or able or appreciated.  it often goes unnoticed until someone points it out.  and it's almost okay if your mentor, or one of your best girlfriends, or even your mom points it out, because they are in your core and they see and know.  but when he says it, this man on the outside of things, this man who i struggle to let in says it...i immediately think, no, you have not earned this.

and suddenly i am not underestimating myself.  i am seeing myself for who i am.  for who i can be and become.  and he, well he squashed it, and i let him.

and it feels like two steps back from where you thought you were, and that is discouraging.  

but two steps back means you have the space to move forward, if you are willing to fight.

and it is the fight that ensues.  a fight sometimes i think is long over, only i am left to find a new enemy pops up and suddenly i am in the thick of the battle again.

on fret and fear//the waste of worry

i am a worrier.  to the core.  i make every fleeting human attempt not to and then it only gets worse.  worry is born out of fear.  every fear births a new worry.  what if there is a disaster, what if this is cancer, what if a loved one dies, what if i lose my job, what if, what if, what if???  the list of what ifs can truly be endless if i give it much of my thought time.

i have a vivid memory of eleven year old me.  the event was 5th grade graduation.  my first official graduation since preschool.  i was sooo excited.  i felt so important.  my parents and many other friends and family had gathered together to congratulate us, the 5th grade class of vista grande elementary.  the future class of 2002.  about 90 of us eleven year old's walked in a coordinated line into the multipurpose room to pomp and circumstance.  we had rehearsed this walk several times the day before.  we each had an assigned seat where we were supposed to sit for the ceremony to go off without a hitch.  however, because of two students missing from the ceremony that day, my partner in the alphabet, ricky lopez led me to the incorrect seat.  we sat down and he was all smiles.  while i was all panic.  we were in the wrong seats!!! everything was surely ruined.  i leaned over to him and whispered, "we're in the wrong seats.  what do we do???"  he shooed me off.  "no we're not." he said cooly, meanwhile he waved to his family and friends there to celebrate him.  i couldn't even think of trying to find my parents in the crowd.  i had to fix this disaster.  i pressed him again, "we're going to mess everything up."  he told me it didn't matter.  he told me it was fine.  but it wasn't.  it did matter. inside i was a well of worry.  and it showed.  my dad has the videotape to prove it.  i frantically looked around the room hoping some adult would come save me and ricky from this dreadful error.  for the first fifteen minutes of the ceremony  i was fidgety and frantic. i kept eyeing the empty seats we were supposed to be in.  i was full of fear.  i kept placing my hands on my face (think macaulay culkin in home alone, minus the scream)  i could not calm down.  i was certain imminent trouble was on the way.  either i was to be scolded by the teacher, or the whole graduation ceremony was ruined.  there was no in-between to my fret and fear.  i was certain this was the worst thing to happen.

well, as you can imagine, nothing was ruined.  after we sang our 5th grade song, one of the teachers who had caught wind of our mistake, graciously showed me and ricky to our appropriate assigned seats so as not to mess up the calling of our names.  much to my relief, i thanked her repeatedly.  after a few more minutes i finally calmed down and was able to somewhat enjoy the rest of this marker of my childhood.

i wish i could go back now and tell 11 year old me to just breathe.  i would assure her that there are many problems in life ahead that will be much worse than this, that don't call for as much panic and concern i was giving sitting in the wrong seat.  i would tell her it really would all be okay and that there really was nothing to worry about.  i would remind her that adults were looking out for her, and that this small error in no way lessened her value as a person (still working on this one at 30).

worry and fear are just so darn pervasive and all encompassing.  and unfortunately it can take over just like that.  i always think of the old adage...give it an inch, and it'll take a mile.  it rings so true, at least for me.  give worry, fret and fear, even a centimeter and it'll take a million miles.  honestly, sometimes i get so overwhelmed.  i often find myself having to play connect the dots to even begin to get to the root of the worry.

i'd like to say i've come along way since this fateful day of my little life.  but i found myself in a similar pickle this week.  watch ten minutes of news, look at the crisis in the middle east, note the persecution in iraq, watch the lack of wisdom in our world leaders, then look at my own life...bodily ailments, a stolen wallet, financial strain, friends in crises, family in crises, and i just panic.  i freak out.  and i keep it all in.  it expels itself in little ways, (think catherine o'hara in home alone, any airport scene).  but it mostly remains bottled up as i strive to establish my own control over its pervasive threats.  but no matter how rational and realistic i try to be, at its best, it remains for a few moments and then it is gone just as quickly.

what it all boils down to is this: fret, fear, and worry, albeit authentic and sometimes validated emotions, they really have no place in my walk with the Lord.

if i truly live through the light of His Word, through the lens of Scripture, worry begins to look different.

i looked at the sermon on the mount this morning, thanks to the prompting of some dear women who love the Lord, and i was truly humbled by the truths in this special message from Jesus to us.

 

Jesus on worry...

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[e]? ²⁸“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Jesus on those wonderful beattitudes

He said:

³ “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
⁵ Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
⁷ Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
⁸ Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
⁹ Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
¹⁰ Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

¹¹ “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. ¹² Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

 

Jesus on flavor and shining bright...

¹³ “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.
¹⁴ “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

 

Jesus on the fulfillment of the law

¹⁷ “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. ¹⁸ For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. ¹⁹ Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. ²⁰ For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.


what is wasted on worry is not wasted on prayer and trust and faith in God.  He has shown Himself faithful....what can worry and fret and fear do for me?  nothing, absolutely nothing.  what can prayer and trust and faith do for me?  everything, absolutely everything.

writing to change the world//bird by bird

"I did this for several years.  I wanted to be published so badly.  I heard a preacher say recently that hope is a revolutionary patience; let me add that so is being a writer.  Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work; you do not give up." ~Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird

"Writing and therapy are both about creating the conditions that allow us to take people to the mountain.  When people's breathing changes and their eyes fill with wonder, they will walk down that mountain ready to perform miracles." ~Mary Pipher, Writing to Change the World

There is something noble about those who can put pen to page and write something beautiful, meaningful, profound, funny, heart-wrenching, captivating, and mysterious.  I will never not be in awe of such individuals.  Their discipline and their imaginations, I envy.  

I am beginning to realize, or rather taste, the hard work that is writing.  The pull to write is inescapable.  It's like once you give in to it, it continually demands your attentive presence.  So, here I sit, writing, waiting for the words to come, often writing words I wish hadn't come.

I suppose I am even thankful for the words I wish hadn't come, because there have been so many seasons of life where there were no words at all.

I reread old drafts and wonder what on earth I was thinking when I wrote those words.  But they were words that filled up an important moment.

So I read, I listen to words as they are sung, spoken, prayed, and the most important words that are whispered...I replenish, I move, and quiet my soul, and then I write again.

Really, the writing is just for me.  At this point, it is just for me.  And I don't know if that is selfish or if it is kind to spare others of the words and stories that pour out.  I suppose for this season, the writing is for my soul.  And that is good.  The writing, I believe, is what God calls me to. 

Then I consider, what does it mean to my God, that I sit down and write everyday?

...

Will my writing change the world?

I don't know.

I honestly don't know that I care, either.

If the writing that pours forth from my fingertips changes one life, encourages one soul, then it means something beyond what it meant for me.

And for me, it is really something.
It is the writing that engages me with life.
With my own life.
My own living and breathing and thinking.

And that is something.
Because for a long time...I couldn't.

So I make sure I am attentive and engaged with this little life of mine, that has purpose and meaning, though I don't always see it.

But I'm here.
And while I am, I will write...hopefully about things that matter, for people who matter, for me, and unto Him.  Because all of that matters, quite a bit.  Amidst a world of chaos and catastrophe, amidst a life of sadness and joys, it is this small thing, this writing, that encourages in part the idea of pressing on.
And also knowing
it can do big things
in some form or fashion.

Big things that aren't found in the publishing or being known, but rather in the creation of conditions that allow us to go and take people to the mountain.

love your neighbor as yourself//getting over "me"

 The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” ~Mark 12:31

the greatest of things that God calls us to, and how ridiculously i fail.

 simply because i am constantly consumed with me.  at any moment of any given day you will find me thinking about myself and my problems and my dreams and my discomforts and my searching for making my life better.

blech!  it sound's awful, but it's true.  i am so incredibly selfish.  i'm sickened by the amount of time and energy i spend on how i feel.  as i pour into God's Word more and more, i grow increasingly convicted by my "me" ways.

i need to get over it.  i need to remember that i am not the second, let alone first important thing in my life.

the more i think and meditate on His Word, the more I am inclined to think beyond me.

and it gets me thinking and living toward this idea of others.  it opens my mind and heart to a world other than me.

a world where others are hurting, and longing, and praying, and wondering, and asking, and are hungry and so desperately in need of hope.

this calling on our lives, this second most important thing we are implored to do is really not so hard.

"love your neighbor as yourself."

well, we know i love myself.  can i love another in a similar way?

i know i don't need to look far to find my neighbor.  to find someone in need of love, a big God-kind of love, those people are everywhere i turn.

am i loving them?

am i loving them in a way that doesn't scream, "look at me!"?

i'm so selfish, that when i am being loving or kind, somewhere inside of me i am hoping someone will see and notice and think about how great i am.

isn't it an awful kind of selfishness?  i get so involved in "me" that i can't even forget about myself when i am trying to love my neighbor as myself.  so, in all honesty, i recognize that i am so far from living out this "love your neighbor as yourself" thing.

but i think it's something i can do.

i want to be in a place where the only attention and approval i crave is from God Himself.

i want to care only about Him seeing what i am doing and knowing i only do what i do to please Him.

i want integrity and humility to be the words that define the essence of who i am.

i think i always thought these are the kind of things you just become when you decide to follow Christ wholeheartedly.

but in reality, like with anything, it takes work.  you have to go to school and be committed to hard work, diligent in classes and disciplined for years in order to earn that degree.

the same is true for becoming a professional, getting a tight bod, achieving excellence in any arena.  it takes dedication and hard work.  it moves beyond the decision to achieve and become these things.

there's work involved.  and thankfully, with the guidance, love, grace, and wisdom of the Good Teacher, it is possible.

the more i invest in a wholehearted pursuit of Him, the likelihood lessons that i am my first concern at any given moment.

and that is a good thing.  a very good thing.  because at this point in my life, i'm getting quite a bit sick of me and my supposed needs.  i am learning that i need less than i thought.  i am learning that when i look at my neighbor their needs are more important than mine.

so today i pray for my neighbor, the kaur, in indonesia. i pray for the ones across the world that suffer, the ones next door, and those that cross my path.  i pray that somehow, some way, today they experience God's love in a radical and intimate way.

wild geese//life so far//+the inevitable pressure of "and guest".

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

this poem has been hanging over my desk for years.  every time (which are fewer and farther between the longer it hangs there) I stop to read it, to really let the words seep into mind and heart, I notice and feel something new because the words seem to offer themselves in a different way.

"whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination..." 

 

today, these words sing to me.

i find camaraderie with their author and their meaning.

and i wonder what thoughts, emotions, life experiences, led her to pen such words.

"calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --"

it does indeed.  it calls.  it beckons, and my oh my, lately it seems a force to be reckoned with.

this is what happens.  july gets me thinking and wondering about where my year is going, and what my life has been so far in 2014.  half of which has passed and another half which awaits.

and i read this poem, and it reminds me about the life i am living.  it reminds me to feel the days i am in.  and i get pensive, and i begin to reflect.

this year started, wholeheartedly. 

and that theme has captured and catapulted many of my days into something great and something meaningful.

then, i turned thirty.

and i'll be damned if i say that 2014 and thirty haven't been good to me.

but there is something else there, that lingers not too far under the surface of the day to day, and the beautiful mundane.

is it discontentment or despair? 

whatever it is, it does not negate the hope for days to come.

but it's there...a sadness of sorts.

and sadness isn't so bad, because

while it seems 2014 has been at least in part a series of heartaches,

meanwhile the world does go on.

yes, it does spin on.  madly at times...but it spins. 

and sometimes in spite of the nature that is life...vanity of vanities...tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day... 

a series of heartaches, a season of sadness, a time of sorrow demands a response.

 today, i responded.

yesterday, came in the mail, yet another wedding invitation.  and that is exciting.  so many friends, finding the happiness that is found in and with another...it is a celebration, truly, to watch dear friends, stand up before their loved ones and vow lifelong committment unto the Lord and unto each other.

but then comes the dreaded "and guest" sigh.

when you're single, life can still be pretty good, despite what some may say.  i cannot complain.  i really cannot.  if all of my loved ones are healthy...then what can i really throw up my arms about?

but the possibility of something other than what i am and have weighs in heavy as of late.

it's hard to be attentive to and it is equally hard to ignore.

so many other good things, and new open doors, and exciting ventures have presented themselves.  and yet, under the surface, the pervasive longing bubbles.  

some days it jumps out at me and screams,

"look around, you're not the most important person to anyone! hahahahahaha!"

or worse yet,

"you are doomed to an abyss of alone, for-ve-er!!!!"

(said in a very squints from sandlot sort of way)

and then i'll snap out of it, not entirely unscathed, but able to recognize what is true and replace the horrid yelling lies with truth.  

but oh, no matter how many times i fight it, those nasty lies really like to pop up at the most inopportune times.

seeing "and guest" scribbled across an envelope next to your own name, as a single woman of thirty, is definitely one of those inopportune times.

because the voices, they came with a vengeance.  

and they pressed in heavy the whole next day. i waited for my morning coffee nervously, i overheard the insincere remark of a teenager referencing an unmarried 43 year old man as a loser and cringed, i walked through the grocery store eyeing every person i passed with growing speculation and curiosity, and then met up with girlfriends, all the while looking around, far too self-aware for my own good, surveying the scenes of life, wondering, could he be here?  

running through my mind all day: who is "and guest"?  does he exist?  is he looking for me?

and it wasn't until i got home, and sat down, and really breathed in and out, consciously for the first time all day, that i noticed the tension and stress i had put myself through, just because of two words.

so i read the poem again.

and i breathed in and out.

and i sat quietly.

and i realized...

if the big day rolls around, and it's just me...it will be okay.  singleness does not destroy me.  it does not crush me.  but it is the ever gentle and sometimes somewhat harsh reminder that i am alone.  and the older i get, the fewer there are of us, walking this life alone.  alone is merely in the sense of lacking a life partner in human form...which sounds scientific, but i don't mean it to.

because it's nice to have a pup to come home to, and a grandma who remembers who i am, and parents who still love and care for me, and friends that check on me, and wonderful, wise women who share their time and very best with me, and invite me to share in their biggest celebrations of life. 

and i know i am not alone.

i go to sleep alone.  and i wake up alone.  but in the aloneness, there is God who speaks life and love into me and the spaces of emptiness.  and that is enough.

"and guest" wasn't written to remind me of my aloneness in the world, but today it does.

it may not always.

maybe one day, "and guest" will bring a smile to my lips and a flutter to my heart.

maybe one day, "and guest" and i will speak our own vows in front of loved ones, and fill in the empty spaces that only we were meant to fill.

and i know that will be worth the wait.

and that, whether it happens or not, makes the empty spaces okay.

because the hope of heaven, and the knowledge of Him, makes the empty spaces okay.

 "...over and over announcing your place
in the family of things."

quiet//in praise of slowness

  “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
―Brene Brown

 "I think the most important thing you can be to someone else is dependable. In this world, it's nice to have a person you can count on!"

―Julianna Margulies

“Some people don't understand the promises they're making when they make them," I said.
"Right, of course. But you keep the promise anyway. That's what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway.”
―John Green (The Fault in Our Stars)

i struggled for many years liking and accepting who i knew myself to truly be.  lately i've struggled with the difficulties of human relationships.  and more and more i am seeing and learning that life is different ballgame than the reality my dreams are made of.

all that to say, imperfections abound on every side of life.  and these are the difficult truths i am learning to accept.  truths that aren't bad in and of themselves.  they are truths i was vaguely aware of on the day to day.  but now life seems to be about moving and pressing into these truths, hard as they may be.

God is leading me to do this. i say that with confidence.  i write it with truth and trust in my heart.  i believe this is what He is preparing me for...to know, to understand, and then to accept.  know, understand, and accept: me, for who i am, in my truest form, without guilt, without further demand that comes from falsities and who i think i should be.  know, understand, and accept that human relationships are hard.  and lastly know, understand, and accept: dreams (knowing the way the world paints dreams) are not always going to become reality.   i think all of this has been years in the making. 

i move in slow motion, and God graciously moves with me in that slowness.  because i think God moves in both ways, quick and slow, but there's something to be said for the slowness, i think.  it takes awhile for me to come to terms with what is and what will be.  i can learn to accept anything, but it is, indeed, a slow process.

i don't say that, or write that, with a sense of hopelessness, but rather with the growing sense of what is now required of me to truly thrive in this life, to accept my truest self, and to begin to forge new relationships and cultivate deeper friendships. these movements in my life, i believe, require three things.

Vulnerability
Dependability
and
Faithfulness

i realize more and more that these three things are a rarity...and often what we are hurt by in this life and in the difficult emotional terrain that is human relationships is a lack of, and the willingness to be vulnerable with one another.  which on the surface is forsaking the faithfulness and dependability that strong and lasting relationships demand.

facing the reality of the facebook-twitter-instagram generation in which we live; face to face, authentic communication, intimacy and trustworthiness seems to be a lost art in human relationships.  we learn about marriages and pregnancies and other life celebrations and milestones through these social networking sites rather than a phone call or hangout. then we are shielded from the harsh realities, the bad days, and the sad moments.  we present to one another what is good and beautiful in our lives and leave it at that.

we are sorely missing out, whether we realize it or not, whether we agree or not.

mostly this is true because these forums in which we present our lives are used only to shine light upon the best moments so that the lives of all of those around us seem perfect and lovely at any given time. and frankly that alienates.  because when we do finally carve out the time in our busy schedules to meet face to face, it becomes even more difficult to share the hard and messy parts when we think our counterpart's lives are all too wonderful.

maybe it's just me, but this is what i get bogged down with.  i begin to feel less than all the others because i don't have, or i don't get as quickly, or mine (whatever mine is) looks different.

i forget that this is me, and that's okay. 

truth be told, i don't know about you. not really, anyway.  i only see what i see when i see it and that is where i derive my truths about you, fully knowing they are not all encompassing truths, but sometimes i forget and that's what i start to believe in, most often without realizing.

i am quiet.  i keep many thoughts to myself.  i don't have all the things i think i should, or maybe it's just everyone else who thinks it, and therefore i think it too.  i share what i share when i really know you.  and sometimes that is frustrating...for you and for me.  i'm sorry for both of us...that it never seems enough.

sometimes i can't.  i just need to be alone.  i don't have the emotional energy for all of it...and i still wonder if that's okay, or if i am being selfish. 

sometimes it is selfishness.

sometimes it is self-protection.

and let's face it, self-protection is survival.

that's why i deleted my facebook.

that's why i am cautious with time spent on instagram, and whose lives i follow on twitter.

that's why a small circle of close friends is more important than a large circle of acquaintances.

that's why last fall i began to learn about, read about, and practice vulnerability.

and i found my relationships were strengthened through this practice.  i said yes to dates, i would have before said no to.  i began to reveal more, which was rare, but always produced something good, something life-giving.

and that is why i am still single.  maybe for the long stretch...maybe for just a season.  but it is a learning, i may not have come across in the same way.

either way, it doesn't matter, the movement in my life remains the same.

to be vulnerable, to be dependable, to be faithful.

these are the terms that define my relationship with God and what it is unfolding to be.
these are the terms (deep breath) which will begin to define my relationship with others.

and this is who i am today.  quiet.  often too myself.  trudging through the muck slowly.  finding grace and unfolding the beauty slowly.  learning and becoming slowly.  but that's me.  and that's okay.

so, for today, i will sit quietly at His feet.  and i will pray.  a slow prayer.  a gathering of words that plead for His mercy and strength as i walk into vulnerability.  as i learn what it really means to be dependable, and to live in faithfulness.

it's not easy, by any means.  this is the hard stuff, because this is the real stuff, the God stuff, which, i truly believe, is what leads to GOOD.

a song as an experience//O

something happens to me when i listen to this.  i am somewhere else, i am someone else.  i feel with God.  i feel peace.  it's rare when songs do this for me, but it does happen on occasion, and when it does, it is truly a gift.