if nothing else, dream big.

 five days into the new year and the only resolution that really resonates in my heart has to do with dreams and dreaming big.  dreaming is a core value of mine.  every first sunday of the year at church, our pastor speaks of core values.  what drives us?  where is our focus? as a church community, then as individuals what will we accomplish this year?  our accomplishments stem from the roots of our values.  as a church our core values are God, Love, and Grace.  As an individual my values are the same, but I would also add in dreams to that mix.  dreams are what sustain me (and us, i think).  dreams are what keep me pressing on.  dreams can be difficult to hold onto as we get older and i think one of my biggest fears is losing my dreams.  i fear letting go of that which i hoped for most in my life. 

some say the young are foolish, but i believe our youth offers us the greatest of dreams.  when we are young we believe anything and everything is possible.  i don't ever want to lose that idea of possibility no matter how difficult or negative the world around me is.  just because life hasn't unfolded as i thought it would, should not and will not deter the dreams deep inside my heart.  that was the reason for this whole blog....my desire to chronicle my dreams becoming reality.

only God knows the dreams that will unfold in 2014.  maybe it is only the beginning, a little spurt of growth in one dream, or maybe this year will see the birth of a new dream, and the fruition of another.  all i know is, these dreams of mine, those i share, those that stay hidden in my heart, and those that i don't even know yet, are really His.  what He gives me and what He takes away.  all i can do is pursue them wholeheartedly.  and that's what i will do.  this year i am giving my whole heart to my dreams....to God...to love...and to grace.  i will invest my life and heart in that which is eternal, in that which shares His love and grace with the rest of the world. i will keep asking, i will keep knocking, i will keep praying, i will keep trusting, i will keep pressing on and i will keep dreaming.

hello 2014.

as pensive as i am feeling, i am finding it difficult to give 2013 a proper send off.  after all, it has been a fairly decent year.  i am not one to complain much and honestly feel really too blessed to put anything but positivity on the year that was.  however, i cannot seem to think of one really blessedly wonderful thing that was birthed in 2013.  and i guess the sorrow with that is that it seems to have been a banner year for many.  i've watched all around me, especially as of late, friends and others experience really incredible life altering wonders.  new homes, better jobs, glorious travels, engagements, marriages, babies on the way, and all those big life things.

and then there is me.  nothing big and life changing to report.  and i suppose there will be many years like that in my life.  good years and then not the best of years, happy life-changing years, and some blessed years with no big life altering events.  i am okay with that quiet sort of life.  i cherish simple days with the regular to do's in a blessed awareness of all that is good, lovely, and inspiring.  in fact what i will remember most gloriously of 2013 were those simple quiet days in which i was just aware and content enough to enjoy life for what it was...sunshine, delicious coffee, loved ones, a memorable book, a happy puppy, a learning moment, a dream...life-giving moments of wonder, hope and joy.

i look forward to more of those days in 2014.  more good, more quiet, more joy, more hope, more wonder, more attentiveness, more.  time passes all too quickly.  mostly, i don't want to miss the moments.  i want to be paying attention as much as i can.  i want to be open.  maybe 2014 has something big for me.

tops//thirteen

before I begin a reflective piece on the year that was and what is to come, I feel it is important to look back on some favorites discovered in 2013.

1) best film:
i loved this movie so much!  loosely based on a Henry James novel; this is/was one of the most heartbreaking and yet equally sweetest movies i have ever seen.  it's set to a beautiful melancholy score and contains one of the finest child acting performances i have ever seen. i watch it over and over and it just makes me feel so many different things in such deep and profound ways...sorrow, joy, wonder, hope, compassion....on and on and on....

2) best book (take one):
this is truly one of those books.  you know the ones.  the ones that long after you've finished you still find yourself thinking about it, about the characters, about the love and the trials, the unfairness of it all, and yet the beauty in it all is what remains.  i already knew john green was among the most brilliant of writers and one of the most fantastic of YA authors, but this book just pushed him over the edge of greatness.  it is just one of those stories that in some ways inexplicably captivates the reader.  yes, it is a love story, no it does not end happily, but it's real and raw, and it makes you care.  what more can you really ask for from a book?

3) best restaurant:
This, this, this! This was a late in the year discovery, but oh my!  Great Maple is the restaurant. Libations (just because i like the word) and seasonal plates, what more?  I had my first taste of gin, an amazing thanksgiving dinner on a turkey burger, brie and a balsamic baguette, and an apple pie more akin to an apple pot pie ala mode.  go! I will be returning often!

4) best shopping spot (x2):
(online) Effie's heart! Seriously such cute stuff...perfectly whimsical for a teacher kind of life and very akin to what Zooey Deschanel would wear.  Winner!
(in store) Paper Source Who doesn't love perusing pretty paper? Me, that's who.  I get inspired to craft, to collage, to letter write, to just be inspired.  Plus it's between Whole Foods and Peets...doesn't get much better than that.

5) let's talk t.v.:
all i ask for in my mid-week television viewing is a bit of hilarity and that feeling of connection with a well-written smart and funny character because it makes me forget my troubles and feel a little less alone for a half-hour of my life every week. and while that might sound sad or unsatisfying on so many levels, this television show is anything but.


6) best live show?
over the past few years i was much better at being an avid concert goer.  my claim of going to shows as a favorite past time didn't really live up to its name this year though.  besides some nkotb stalking...mumford &sons back in june tops my 2013 list of live music.  it was my second time seeing them and you know, i was just as enthralled and captivated by the musicianship, the voices, the passion, the poetics...all of it. 

7) word for the year: transformation.
i lamented in a mid year post that i hadn't really been attentive to my word for the year.  but you know what if funny about that?  God works whether we are paying attention or not.  He moves quietly in the thick and the folds of our lives.  and i can see now, in retrospect where He was transforming my outlooks to expectant, my dreams to actions, my worries to prayers, and my sorrows to joy.  not every aspect of my life transformed.  i didn't turn into a new or really even better person over the course of the past year.  but some important, life giving, at times crucial things changed.  and that was the transformation that i needed.

8) best trip:
2013 wasn't a big travel year for me...besides the few l.a. excursions, the quick stint to vegas, and a week in portland, i spent most of time in my hometown.  but of all these little journeys beyond my familiar sunny city were a blessing and so needed.  i think i love portland more every time i go....something about the grey drippy skies, the endless stretches of green trees, and the waterfront.  it just romances me so.

9) momentary obsession:
what remedied a week of sickness and then a week of grieving at the end of 2012...returned again in 2013.  more than a momentary obsession, sometimes i just needed the fix.  a saturday afternoon, or a weekday evening when i couldn't muster the energy for anymore work or people or life, or you know just because it's that good.  sometimes an hour just needs to be spent with Castle :)

10) best book (take two):

this book will reside in my top ten list of best reads ever.  my fitzgerald obsession now four years old has yet to wane.  i just love getting my hands on the good stuff and this one is the good-est of the good of the popular literary homages being paid to this infamous couple.

11) disneyland annual passes=the best of times.

12) penny lane continues to invigorate my life with a unique and special kind of love.

13) the date.  the one sole date.  the first date in over a year.  and it was a good one.  a really good one.  with someone unexpected. someone i'd never date again, and yet he gave me so much.  he opened my eyes.  he gave me the feelings.  the someday//someone feelings...and for that, i am indebted to my one date wonder.

something you said...

everything was just fine until yesterday morning. 

and then what you said, what you did, it seems to have changed everything inside of me.
it stirred up a longing i haven't quite felt for while. 

the thing was, you could have ignored me, i could have gone the long way around, all of this could have been avoided, but it wasn't.

instead i saw you and you noticed me, and i let you.  so unlike me.

thank you for seeing the need and stepping in.  so gentlemanly, so kindly. 

but it was something you said accompanied with what you did that so inevitably impacted me.

there are words every woman longs to hear; needs to hear in some fashion.  it takes her by surprise, it warms her, it makes her feel anew.

you made me feel anew.

and i of course, fumbled around, afraid, embarrassed, unsure.  so like me. never quite able to express what i want to express, unless you give me time, or until i put pen to page.

i thank you.  i thank you for you words.  i thank you for your time and your heart.  it made my day and it shifted something inside me.  something big, something you'll probably never know or understand.  it stirs and it's uncomfortable and scary, but i'm glad you and your words awakened it.  because all of this taught me something.  something i have been praying for and hoping for and dreaming for, for years.  it taught me to be more open, to walk towards the possibility of good.  to begin to say what i need to say and not to fumble around, afraid, embarrassed, and unsure.  i can only hope this opens me up to the possibility of more good.  i know it's out there.  i've just been too afraid to look.  i've been too afraid to let it in.

so thank you, kind sir, for something you said...

a different take on romance.

remember that time when you were talking to him.  and he was looking at you in such a way that you knew he really cared about what you were saying.  his gaze told you that you were beautiful, to him, and that was all that mattered. and then it was that small gesture, a man, his hand pushing your hair behind your ear.  romance.

then there was that moment sitting on the beach with him.  watching the sunset and the consistency of arms and hands and legs brushing against each other.  that moment when he brushes the sand from your foot to read your tattoo, the moment when he leans into you to hear the sound of your laugh as and quietly inquires to know your deepest thought.

and you cannot forget when you were in the car together and you were feeling quite ill and he placed his hand on your knee to calm you.  he gave you an assured smile that things would be okay. and when you placed your hand over his, so suddenly you were...okay.

romance.

it's a rarity.  finding and feeling romance, it often seems few and far between.

i find now, that if i am paying attention, i am romanced everyday, almost every moment.  i am romanced by the sun and the stars, the scents of winter, the movement of moon and clouds, the warmth of humanity, the dancing of lights, the taste of a soft and silvery night, and the hope of the season.

you see, romance to me is a very non-sexual thing.  it is not what culture paints it to be.  it is an emotional thing.  it is something that you feel in shallow and deep ways.  it is something i don't think you can purpose.  it just happens and when it happens, hopefully you are paying attention to what you feel, because the feelings, when the pop up, they are like a gift, a gentle reminder that you are thought of and loved.

Are you happy?

Have you been asked this question recently?  What did you say?  What would you say? 

I spent the weekend with a dear friend from college.  I hadn't seen her in her new life in a new city since she had gotten married.  Now she is pregnant, moving into a new house, married to a great guy, and working a good job.  As I observed her life for the past few days, I knew she was happy.  I didn't need to ask.  It exuded from everything she did and said.  I always knew her to be a happy person.  But this was a new and different kind of happiness.  A calmer, more real sense of happy.

As we shared our days together, me drinking espresso, her tea, laughing and reminiscing, discussing and dreaming about the future, I found myself admiring her.  I admire the woman she has become and what she has done and is doing with her life.  Everything she spoke and did just radiated happiness.  And I wondered to myself...did I? 

Our lives are so different now, we no longer parallel each other.  Am I happy?

The answer  and the truth is...I am happy.

But I am not an end all happy.

I am a happy in waiting.  Does that make sense?

I guess what I mean is, there is more that I want in this life.  There is so much more, and the wanting does not negate any happiness that I feel and have.  I just know I am definitely not a nothing needs to change kind of happy.

It seems as though I've maybe said this before.  Maybe I am writing it now to remind myself that I am grateful.  There is so much gratitude in my heart and that equates to happiness in so many ways.

So, I go on and I keep living my life, knowing that there is more to be added into my happy heart.

searching & wishing.

in a dream...

i am up above the clouds sitting upon a canyon's edge on some unknown planet.  soon i am sailing into bright light across a vast sea of glassy green and i am closer to the moon than any place on earth can offer.  it is no illusion.  it feels as real as any waking moment.  i am bathing in silky white and every single thing my eyes behold is beautiful and illuminated.  no words are spoken and i am alone, but there is new truth that resides in my heart.  new truth that is suddenly there without explanation. this experience is so authentic.  this truth so real, i am moved and as i awake from it all i am changed.  i know there is a purpose in this searching and wishing.  there will be a result to all of this that is meaningful.