prayer.

i think most people pray.  at some time or another we all find ourselves whispering pleas, little thank you's, and big help me's to God whether we realize it or not.  i heard a lady say "God, help us" on a flight that got a little bumpy, i watched a homeless man weep on a street corner saying "Jesus" repeatedly under his breath, and i've seen many people approach the prayer room after a sunday church service.  we do it, we pray, whether we recognize it or not.

but sometimes i get stuck on and stumble over the point of such a thing as praying.  i wonder if God really listens to my prayers.  i question whether my prayers rank of any importance compared to the big heavy prayers of people dying, enduring war, terrible sicknesses, or great loss.  i look at my life and think my problems and longings don't really matter in comparison.  i get bogged down by the thought, why would God care about my stuff?  i look at how the past has unfolded and wonder if He is even capable of doing something miraculous or extraordinary with my life.

it is then that i realize that i've missed the point of this whole praying thing. i often pray and think about prayer with the intent of getting things. i think a lot of us do that. we look at God and the act of prayer and see it as a means to an end. God is a genie waiting to grant us our many wishes. what i've learned about prayer, and how i interact with God has been revolutionary. henri nouwen offers up incredible insight into what our prayer life with God can look like. no shoulds here. instead we are invited into this incredible intimacy with a big and capable God who looks at the things we call impossibilities and speaks possibility over them.
what i've learned about prayer from reading nouwen's book is so crucial, because everything he talks about takes me back to God's very own words.
i've learned that:

• prayer is about spending a few moments a day in the presence of God when we can listen to His voice precisely in the midst of our many concerns. it calls for a persistent endeavor on our end.
• prayer can be silence. that silence is filled with the caring presence of God.
• prayer involves reading the Bible. God's word speaks into our lives and allows us to look at the lives of others who encountered the same God we are.
• there is no need to force lengthy meaningless prayer time. God is not impressed by our words or time.
• true prayer: being all ear for God. (again is not so much about my words.)
• prayer is the essence of our spiritual life, without which all ministry (and life doings for that matter) lose their meaning.
• prayer involves putting our brokenness away from the shadow of the curse and under the light of the blessing.

sometimes i hold back from prayer because i feel like God is disappointed in me, or He is ashamed of me. maybe i am unwilling to repent because i feel like i have done the unforgivable. but these aren't feelings or truth from God. this is my own stuff, that i know i need to lay before Him. God does not require a pure heart before embracing us. even if we return only because following our desires has failed to bring happiness, God will take us back. God will receive us. God's love does not require any explanations about why we are returning. God is glad to see us.

becoming. part two.

i trust that there will come a day when i can look at my life and finally realize, and reflect upon, how things really began to come together.  it's hard to see right now.  it is a struggle of faith and trust.  i feel the despair swell inside of me, the worry can be all consuming at times.  but i know that happens when my eyes are fixed inwardly.  i feel as though i am starting from scratch again.  every "sure thing" has now been taken away, or i let slip away; all for a reason, i keep telling myself.  really, i don't know.  i don't know what will happen or the exacts of what i am looking for.  all i see right now is a general vague picture of what it all can be.  what i can be.

recently i was struck by a comment i heard on a new show i love, called "the conversation."  first of all, the show is amazing.  i love the style of two women, in a stripped down sort of setting, having a genuine dialogue on what its like to be a woman.  diane von furstenberg was interviewed for an episode and she said the most eloquent thing on the topic of becoming.  she talked about how she maintained the constant of being a friend to herself. i thought that was beautiful. in particular, to the question posed to her about anything she had to teach on business and finance, she basically admitted that she fell into the direction her life took, simply following the fact that she "did not know what i wanted to do, but i knew the woman i wanted to be."  that is such an encouraging thought to me.  especially when i find myself back wavering on the edge of the pit of despair.  i haven't any solid idea of where my future will take me, but i love that there is comfort and joy to take in the woman i am, the woman i am becoming, the woman God made me.

i know the woman i want to become.  today this is what guides me, and keeps me pressing on.

to whom it may concern,

in my undying love for great music, i finally discovered the civil wars and i think they are amazing. the combination of joy william's and john paul white's voices are just soothing to the soul, as smooth as silk. the soft melodies and the gentle heartfelt lyrics have made me a fan.

as i listened to this song today, i realized the lyrics so eloquently expressed every feeling and echoed every thought i have about my future someone. to the man who will one day only hold my hand, whose laugh and smile i will love, to the man who will someday walk through this beautiful life with me,
i am still waiting patiently.

becoming.

setbacks can disappoint and deter us. however, they can also reignite determination, if we let it. and that's what i have choose to do with the setbacks that have befallen me. i can feel the disappointment deep in my veins, resonating in my heart of hearts. the letdown, the being left alone, the not being chosen hurts and discourages me, but it does not destroy me. it does not determine what my future will look like, or how i must feel. my past mistakes and circumstances are no indicator for what will happen, though i have often let them be. today that changes. we must not only expect and settle for history to repeat itself. we can hope for more, strive for something greater, and have the courage to make new things happen. the gift of the present is always with us. each new moment offers the birth of something new. and i am determined to graciously accept the new moments as a gift of possibility offered to me with love. can i take a revolutionary stance on my life and say i what i want? i want to be a writer. i want to not just say that i write and barely do it. i really want to invest my heart and soul in it. i want a life partner. someone to love, and to be loved. i want to know what it is when everyone talks about their greatest accomplishments in life, and looks to the family that they've made. can i finally say that i want these things even though the fear that i may never have them pervades every part of myself? can i stop believing that these are things i don't deserve? i look at the lives of other people and get overwhelmed with what i may be lacking. but what if i looked at my purpose in life as one in which i bless others? what if my daily do's were about how i can serve and love on others instead of how can i find my own happiness apart from other people and really going after my greatest dream? something needs to change. i am not sure exactly what, or how, or when...but today i am beginning to see things differently. i begin today, to go about how i do life, my perspective on things, a little differently. my journey begins, again. i will become who i am meant to be. i may not know exactly what i want to do, but i know the kind of woman i want to be.

certainty.

this month i quietly turned a year older. that is one thing i am certain of. everything else feels quite uncertain. i tried to think of the things i felt sure about and begin to make a list. instead i sat and stared at a blank page for a seemingly endless amount of time. a lot of this month, coinciding with turning a year older, has been encased in sadness. there are so many unknowns that lie before me, and so much heavy weight that has been heaved upon me. sometimes i wish i could take a simple dream like talking a walk in paris, in the rain, under the night sky, with someone i love, a reality. but it only ever seems to remain a dream.

renaissance.

at first i found it hard to understand. what did renaissance have to do with me or my life? i used to think art was veiled. i felt that it required some superior intelligence to make sense of it. i saw art and i could formulate an objective opinion of what it looked like, but beyond that i was at a loss. i create art, or what i like to call art, but would anyone else call it that? i would hear what other people thought, their objective observations, and subjective insights, of art, and i would sink further down, keeping my lack of understanding all to myself. the one thing i always did know, and fully trust, is what art made me feel. i am always in close connection to my emotional response to things such as art, music, and other creatively inspired and nurtured things. But sometimes I don't always know what i think. and the most startling thing about thinking that is realizing that it is our thoughts that further us, that make us. how have i stunted myself? i keep looking at everyone else. i keep admiring these people who invent things, these people whose hands create beauty, these people who fall in love, and have careers, and make families. i watch people who sew, paint, garden, and do work beyond my understanding, and i am in awe. i feel alone, on the outside, as if there is nothing more i can contribute. there are already people out there who write the best words in the best ways. there is already someone who has thought up and painted beautifully, what i've yet to have the courage to put pencil to paper. there are people right now creatively imparting knowledge and cultivating the spiritual development of others in ways i could never even think of doing. there were days i aspired to be more than this. i had this fanciful idea that somehow these things would just come to me, in some sort of magical way. i've allowed hope and expectations to slip away from my grasp. the more i think about what i've let myself lose, the more sad i get. there were days, i thought i'd be an artist. there were days when i thought i was a writer. i call myself a teacher. but what am i really? that is such a paralyzing thought. what am i? i can make myself something. that is such an unbinding thought. i can make my own life. still, even now. there is a renaissance to happen here. this day. today is my renaissance. my renaissance is personal, internal, and deep. It is deliberate, beautiful, and worthy. my renaissance follows my desire to impact the world. this poem is my renaissance-

I felt my life with both my hands To see if it was there — I held my spirit to the Glass, To prove it possibler — I turned my Being round and round And paused at every pound To ask the Owner's name — For doubt, that I should know the Sound — I judged my features — jarred my hair — I pushed my dimples by, and waited — If they — twinkled back — Conviction might, of me — I told myself, "Take Courage, Friend — That — was a former time — But we might learn to like the Heaven, As well as our Old Home!"

the burden of judgment.

"I have had a few moments in my life during which I felt free from all judgments about others. I felt as if a heavy burden had been taken away from me. At those moments I experienced immense love for everyone I met, heard about, or read about. A deep solidarity with all people and a deep desire to love them broke down my inner walls and made my heart as wide as the universe. Can we free ourselves from the need to judge others? Yes...by claiming for ourselves the truth that we are the beloved sons and daughters of God. (The danger lies in) thinking of ourselves as the sum total of our successes, popularity, and power we become dependent on the ways we judge and are being judged and end up as victims manipulated by the world." ~Henri Nouwen

All I know and fear is the end of relationships when someone truly messes up. We so quickly turn our backs on each other after one screw up. We make it hard to know each other. We create walls, we tell lies, we withhold truth, and we foster distance to avoid real intimacy. We don't want intimacy because we will get hurt. We are constantly looking, assessing, and judging. We change our minds and shift our opinions when actions are unpleasing. We deem others unworthy of grace, salvation, forgiveness, and love because they do not do what we think is right. We equate God to our humanness and we forget the truth of His character. Is it possible to let go of judgment? Is it really a burden God intended us to bear? We create standards that have no association with the creator of our hearts and world. It seems simplistic, but prayer is our answer. Freedom from judgment cannot coexist with fear. Becoming freed from the burden of judgment doesn't happen because of a logical connection. It is not the result of thinking through something. But rather, I believe, the freedom is a result of a connection the heart made in prayer. Change of heart and mind is the result of thoughtful fervent prayer. God, let us be freed from the burden of judgment and embrace your grace and love.