an honest view of myself.

the grand thing about getting older is that things begin to get clearer.

i find that i figure out myself a little more each day...that is if and when i slow down enough to pay attention.  what i'm learning lately has been eye opening.  i don't always like what i see.  and it's not in that self damning, always condemning, even hating sort of way.  instead the little realizations of the uglier parts of me, i think inspire the change i need to undergo.  most of this entirely relates to character.  and character relates to my spiritual, emotional, and mental well-being.  i recognize that these "flaws" are not things i can fix on my own.  they are not even things i can set goals for and "work on" each day.  rather they are things that can only be remedied by a wholehearted pursuit of Jesus.  i am certain of this.  because that wholehearted pursuit helps me to take my eyes off of me, and it is then i begin to see Him and myself honestly.

it's interesting to be nearing thirty.  sometimes when i think about it, it frightens me a little.  which really seems just so cliche...because it isn't really the number, or the lack of things i think i should have at this time in my life, it's more the realization of how fast life is.  and even more frightening to realize there is nothing that can be done to slow it down.

and these things i learn about myself, i am trying to hold fast to and walk into my thirties with, so that i can begin this new decade of my life, alert and aware.

i find that as i close out this last month of my twenties i am feeling quite nostalgic.  i often feel nostalgic about the past and anxious for the future.  though i like to think it is a good anxiety as it leads me to cherish every bright, sunny blue day and rest in every grey drippy day...knowing they both have such great potential to make me happy. 

i believe that unconditional relationships are so important.  giving more than i take in relationships are what make the best kinds. 

i have grown to have a deep love for literature and for art.  i love looking at what other people have contributed to the world to inspire, encourage, and entertain. 

i've discovered that my heart beats loudest when i am connecting with young ones and imparting something bigger than just words and lessons. 

getting outside to exercise everyday is my best habit, dr. pepper(sugar) and coffee(caffeine) are my worst. 

music is what fuels me in almost every capacity...live shows, the tunes in the morning commute to work, a quick run in the evening with iPod in hand, falling asleep with the shutters cracked and the moonlight pouring in, all accompanied by various soundtracks of wonderfulness.

and this is about all i have figured out in my 29 years and 11 or so months on this planet.  which isn't a lot, but it is something.  and it is something i am holding onto and carrying into the next chapter.  and i have hopes for this next chapter.  i have BIG prayers, and i am learning to walk by faith more and more...taking little leaps and making small bounds to begin with...but i'm here and i am doing it, and that truly is something.