on feelings and intentionality.

an old gem compiled from words and pictures from glamour magazine

the term feeling has a myriad of different definitions. they are as follows: an emotional state; a belief, especially a vague or irrational one; the capacity to experience the sense of touch; a sensitivity or intuitive understanding of...

i find the idea of a feeling being a vague or irrational belief to be the most fascinating classification of the word.

feelings are a mystery to me at times.  where they come from, how they come and go, the way in which they elude and often haunt...they are intriguing little devils.

i've written before about my inclination towards feelings and how they often dictate much of my person.  according to they myers-brigg inventory i am a 100% feeler.  feelings tend to rule my being.

because of that it often feels as if i am on an eternal mission to capture good feelings.  i know where they come from. good, pure, joyous, peaceful feelings are a result of time in nature, of puppy cuddles, of sweet intimate time with someone i care about.  these sorts of feelings are also the result of reading a good book, or watching a beautiful film or being near the ocean.  they are the result of a run or any form of endorphin inducing exercise.  they come about after a massage or really good rest and relaxation especially when it is much overdue.  good, pure, peace-giving and joy-filled feelings are also the result of someone's care and compassion, someone's kind words, or someone simply taking notice.

the problem with feelings is that they are fleeting.  and it is often the ones that hurt us, that cause us sadness, despair and loneliness that we tend to dwell on.  not everybody is dictated by their feelings, but i think that many are whether they realize it or not.  it is hard when all the feelings that one can seem to capture are those that are of a darker nature, no matter how vague or irrational they may be.

when i was 18 i wrote out a to-do list for my life.
it was highly idealistic.
i dreamed of so many things...graduating from college, going to graduate school, getting a tattoo, having a place of my own, writing a book, getting married, traveling to another country...and i felt, in my heart, that they were all possible.

at 18 i wasn't bogged down by the feelings associated with adulthood...i was a youth that still had so much faith and hope in this world and in my life and what it could be.  things such as finances, the hard work of university life and post grad academics, the permanency of ink on one's skin, the promise to another human being of forever no matter what, the discipline of writing, the cost and need for a good partner when traveling abroad, the fear of living in a terror ridden world, all of those things, they didn't factor into my decision making and my feelings.  at 18 i just didn't understand it all.

it was a beautiful ignorance in many ways.

but now feelings seem to dictate all of these desires, choices, hopes and plans.  sometimes feelings become the battle just to get through the day to day.  i've noticed i've classified almost everything in my life according to my feelings about them rather than the truth of their realities.  and wow, it is such a very skewed perspective.  i cannot count all of the times in the last six months when i've muttered to myself, "i don't feel like it." 

but sometimes, when i pray,  when i really lean on the Lord for strength and understanding,  i have the courage to stand up and declare, "to hell with the feelings", and i do it anyway.  and often what results is magic.

but when i let the feelings dictate my existence, i find, day after day, month after month, i am no better off than i was at the start.

feelings are unruly and while the pursuit of good ones is certainly worthwhile, the banishment of the bad ones isn't necessarily so.  for, in some way they all serve their purpose.  i suppose the question that plagues me is whether i will continue to let my feelings...whatever they are, be the ruler of my existence, the determiner of my joy, the overwhelming factor in my decision making?  it hasn't worked out all that well for me, necessarily.

so i began to wonder how do i tame the little devils and instead choose to walk in trust and joy, no matter what? 

i don't know if it means working to the root and instigators of all of these feelings that so easily overwhelm and entangle me in their mess. 

because my feelings inform so much of who i am and so much of what i do, i think it necessary to go back to doing the hard work of figuring out my feelings and the thoughts and words and day to day events that act as their instigators.  it is something that is easy to suppress and just get by managing them and numbing them in the day to day.  but that is no way to live.  it is definitely no way to grow.

so, in 2016, i am committing to the work of feeling.  to the effort of thinking to get back to the root of the feelings.  in 2016, while it is still new, i want to be committed to the idea of being kinder to myself and speaking truth over my life.  in the same way, i would want to be kind and speak truth over others, i want to be intentional in doing with myself.  it is a feat that requires the utmost focus.  it demands the necessity of daily time for reflection, which means not turning to those things which make me shut down or off, but instead chasing after that which calls for an honest inward look.  that is, accountability, nature, and time in the Word and prayer...things that i must also be intentional about to see truly happen on a daily basis. 

my self-worth is such a fickle little indicator of my true being.  so much can strip or give me value in my inner being.