on singleness & online dating//why i did it & why i'll never do it again

I always wondered when the day would come when singleness would suddenly become an awkward or uncommon thing.  I wondered if there was an age when singleness turns one into some kind of pariah.  While I don't think that day has fully come, I am beginning to feel it is well on its way.  Singleness becomes a weird identity marker when you live in a world where you are the only one who is.  If all your friends, family and co-workers are married, suddenly you are an outsider that doesn't quite fit into their worlds.  There are conversations you cannot rightfully contribute to and experiences that you have that they can no longer relate to and have somehow lost memory of what it was like. 

I think one of the greatest issues with singleness, particularly singleness and the female is that society, the church, our families, and even our dearest and most trustworthy friends don't quite know how to handle it or how to accept it.

Singleness never seems to be an acceptable life choice, rather it is something that unfortunately befalls you, that many would suggest could be easily remedied if you just opened yourself up and let it happen.  Many well-meaning friends and acquaintances often question if there is a guy on the horizon, or how I am going about meeting someone.  Any lack of effort or uninteresting tales are not what they want to hear.  Sometimes I find myself embellishing the truth to escape the conversation quickly.  Here are some of things that have been said to me and similar sentiments that have been repeated quite often as of late:

• If you just stop looking, I promise that is when he will come along.
• You're so beautiful, I just don't understand why don't you have a husband.
• Take this opportunity to do all the things you can't do once your married.
• Work on you.  Be the best that you can be, then he'll show up.
• Hey, I know this guy who just happens to be single too.
• Why don't you give online dating a shot?  I know this person who met someone on (fill in every possible dating site here).
• You have to put out the "I am open" vibes.  Guys need to know that they can have you if they want you.
• AND THE BEST ONES FOR LAST:
• How old are you?  Woah! And you're still single?  Don't you want to have kids? 
• Gosh, it must be hard finding a man when you are taller than most of them.    ***I have failed to add the sarcastic replies that I rarely verbalize in response unless you catch me on a bad day.

These kinds of sentiments more often that not come in the form of unsolicited advice.  I know that many people in a variety of life situations suffer from the same kind of unwanted input on how they choose to live their lives if it differs from societies norms. All this to say, as I make my way deeper into my thirties, I find more and more that singleness suits me.  And as I grow and continue to build a life of my own, I find that I am also navigating a strange path that not many can shed light on or provide wisdom for.  It is a unique road in which I am trying to confidently forge my own way, while remaining open to possibilities outside my realm of thinking and believing, and maintaining boundaries and a guard over my own heart so as not to give way to living a life contrary to my values and prayerfully never ever settling for what feels safe. So I work to remind myself why my life as it is now is a really good one.

1. I enjoy the freedom and power of decision that my one wild and precious life holds.  I enjoy handling my own affairs and deciding how my place will look, how I will spend my Friday evening, when I work and when I take pause and for what.  If this sounds selfish, in some ways it probably is.  I recognize their are elements of selfishness that are cultivated in living as a single person.  The more comfortable I grow with my life station, I often joke that I am too selfish for marriage or parenting.  The greater truth is that I relish the freedom this season of life allows me to be for others and do for others what my married friends sometimes cannot. I fully recognize that marriage requires bending, accommodating, seeking permission, and ultimately deciding as a team what will happen and when.  None of which is bad, and I imagine with a good person whom I love, I would be quite willing to enter into a contract that involves such cooperation.  And while I strive to remain absolutely open to the idea of meeting someone someday with whom I am willing to compromise and accommodate, if/when that day were to come, I certainly would want to know and remember in the season of singleness I am in that I fully relished the unique freedom this life affords me. I do not believe marriage strips one of freedom, however, from my vast observations, marriage would significantly alter the life I am currently living.  Therefore, I am so thankful for this season and the life I can build for myself (and my dog).
2. When I was in my early twenties, I think that some part of me fully expected to be married young.  Mostly because I had met someone when I was twenty-one who I thought I would marry.  When that didn't work out, I fell into a deep depression.  It was a depression that had actually begun while we were together, because I think something in me knew, I was trying to hold onto something that wasn't good.  Regardless, I thought for a long time after I was missing something.  I thought that I would not find true joy apart from marriage.  I am thankful for the season of singleness which followed.  I am thankful that I've learned to weather heartbreak.  I am thankful that I have seen that things don't always work out.  I am ultimately grateful that I know marriage and a man is not the answer.  I have found joy in so much else because of the freedom singleness has allowed me. I've explored places with open eyes that are purely focused on what is before me, not who is with me. I think I experience nature, pets, friendships, work and writing in way that would look different if I were not single. And ultimately I think there is a unique intimacy with the Lord that is cultivated that  I don't think I would have necessarily delved into had it not been for being single. True joy, real, authentic, deep-seated, unshakeable joy goes much deeper than my relationships and how they unfold.  And I am so thankful to discover this, so that when and if marriage comes about for me, it will not be my end all, be all and if it is taken from me, it will not destroy me.
3. Here's the thing, I cannot speak for others in this.  I only know what I see and how I feel, so my take on this idea of "true appreciation" is extremely biased.  That being said, this idea was first introduced to me through an episode of 7th Heaven.  In the late 90's, when I was an avid watcher I can directly recall an episode that depicted a specifically poignant conversation between all-knowing father/reverend Eric Camden and his second daughter Lucy.  Lucy was feeling quite miserable about not having a significant other while all her siblings/friends seemed to (I think she was 13 in this episode, which is utterly ridiculous, but also beside the point). Kind and patient father Eric pointed out that in the waiting Lucy would find when the time did come for her, she would appreciate it that much more than those it came for so easily.  Trite and banal as this scene may seem, it spoke volumes to 14 year old me who too had never had a boyfriend when it seemed that everyone else in the world did.  A lot of my life has been about waiting.  I am accustomed to waiting...when it came to getting my driver's license, having my own car, my first date, my own place, a real job, a decided career...all of it seemed to take a bit longer than my respective peers.  Sometimes I would resent and bemoan the waiting, wondering why it was me who couldn't have what seemed to come so easily for others.  But in the same, I still have deep appreciation for those things that took a bit longer or have yet to come.  All that to say, not being married and for that matter not having children puts me well behind my peers...but if it does happen, when it does happen, I can tell you one thing is for sure, I will appreciate the crap out of it. 

So, with these top three reasons shared, I hope it is clear that while I cherish my singleness, I also maintain hope that someday I may meet someone who is worth sacrificing the "full freedom" for, who isn't my answer to deep-seated joy, but is someone who I can create something I truly appreciate with.  I definitely don't plan to be single forever, but in the same I can live in contentment if that were my life's journey.

To the greater point of this post, it needs to be documented why I tried online dating and why I'll never do it again.  Today my subscription to eharmony ended and I did a happy dance.  I've done online dating twice in my life.  The first time was in 2011, at which point in my life I was fresh out of grad school, a mere 26 years old, ready in my own estimation to settle down.  I was little freaked out at the time because it was mid-August and I still hadn't landed a teaching job for the 2011-12 school year. The prospects looked bleak.  A friend of mine and I had agreed to give online dating a go with the reasoning of "what the heck is holding us back now"?

So we did.  I created a carefully crafted profile on a Christian dating site intended to show off my best self and I paid for one month.  One month seemed reasonable to meet my future someone.  Oh, how naive I was.  I did end up meeting S within a week.  He wrote what is by far the sweetest and most intriguing message I have ever received in my limited experience in online dating.  What carried on from there was about a week of online communication through the dating site, and then eventually sharing personal emails, to phone numbers, to meeting in person.  S was the only person I communicated with during my month on this dating site and I would proceed to date him on and off for the better part of a year.  S was very clear from the get go that all he was looking for was friendship and to take it slow and to see where things go.  I agreed, all the while, half-expecting him to fall head over heels for me and propose within the year.  Again, what a naive 26 year old I was.  S was a bit older than me, divorced, with two kids and in the end he definitely was not the guy for me.  While he had the height thing going for him, it eventually became clear that our chemistry pretty much ended there.  What I discovered through that experience was the disservice of online dating, though I did not realize it at the time.  What I found with him was that I was constantly required to defend my worth.  I had to live up to the parameters of the profile, and while I believe I presented an honest portrayal of myself, for S, and his idea of who I would be as a result of the profile, I never seemed to measure up.

After this experiment/experience, I decided to let life happen, and let dates and meeting men a natural unfolding of experiences and places. From 2011 to now, my non-online dating life has been an odd smattering of men who I either met randomly (and by randomly I mean grocery store parking lots, Starbucks lines, Barnes and Noble aisles) and of course, there are those dear friends or co-workers who can't understand why you are still single and believe they know just the right person for you, so you agree to a few blind dates along the way.

Fast-forward to 2017.  

When I walked into 2017,  I was feeling a little lost in my way in life.  At the end of 2016, I met a really wonderful, truly nice guy who a dear friend had set me up with.  On paper, he sounded great.  And in real life, he was equally great.  This was a first in a long while for me.  He was truly, in many ways "the whole package".  But I had no peace.  I can't explain it any other way than that.  I just had no peace.

I came to a clear conclusion.  I was okay being single.  I really was and am.  I never wanted to nor do I want to settle.  I never want to get to a place where I am with someone who is good, but I don't have peace about it.  And yet, I was plagued with a certain longing that had been brought to greater life over the last year because of new friendships and introductions of what I deemed to be examples of good marriages, marriages that I in turn longed to have.

So, with the encouragement of a dear friend, I embarked upon a journey on Eharmony.  I am grateful that I did, because how else would I have realized that online dating is soooo not for me.  The basic breakdown is this: men and women get to create profiles that must follow what the dating site dictates. Eharmony was an intentional choice for me after researching dating sites because of the length this site goes to deem you psychologically competent to enter into a dating relationship.  The emotionally/mentally unstable need not apply.  At first it was kind of a running joke with myself: will the site allow me on to create a profile?  All emotional baggage aside, yes, apparently according to the parameters that eharmony lays out, I am fit to pursue a serious relationship.  So I proceeded.  And all was fine and well to begin with.  The profile set-up in some ways ends up backing you into a corner.  One example of this is without knowing said person who maybe matches your profile preferences, it is hard to decipher whether tacos in their top 5 most important things in their life is serious or written in jest.  And maybe I am reading too much into this, but if they put "Christian" as their religious affiliation, but nothing else on their profile seems to be demonstrative of this truth, I admit, I am a bit skeptical.  I know it's not perhaps fair, and I probably fall victim to similar assumptions, but I digress.

What it all boils down to is this: you get the gist of a person.  You know their religious affiliation, whether they like to smoke or drink, and if they are into dogs as much as you are.  You like his profile, or he likes yours and a conversation may unfold, and then you meet, and then you hold each other to what was written on the profile.  And we get used to this kind of meeting and this initial cultivation of the possibility of a relationship.  It works for some people.  I mean, I've seen the commercials.

It doesn't work for me.

There is so much more that I demand. Online dating seems to become a last resort for many.  Or it is something that we blame on our technological age.  The running line being how can we expect to meet people authentically face to face when we are always on our devices?  The experience of online dating actually deterred me from wanting to date at all.  It led me to question myself more and tapped into insecurities I didn't even know I had when men would send me messages asking to know things and understand things about me and my profile that I have never even shared with my closest friends.  Men on these sites tend to expect that you are willing to hook up upon first meeting.  I soon realized a month into my online dating journey that I had lost sight of and faith in who God was growing me to be because I was starting to try to be the woman these men who were contacting me seemed to want.  It led me to wonder more than ever if it is even a remote possibility to meet a decent man.  It led me to question if every initial meeting with a man would ultimately be a let down because he demanded to know my worth as he saw fit. 

I am glad I did it.  I am glad I saw what I saw and I learned what I did.  I don't think I'll be meeting potential dates in the online dating world.  Instead when pressure to find someone seems the heaviest, I am taking a step back.  When I feel uninvited in the world I am living in, I am choosing to walk with the Lord in faith that His plan is better than mine and anything I can dream of conceiving.  I am choosing joy in the freedom of singleness.  I am choosing to appreciate what I have in front of me, and in the lonely, in the feeling less than everyone else and left out of a bigger picture, I am praying to set an example with my own life.  That single or not, we can all fully participate in the world and in this life and have access to the same joy and hope as any other human being.  I want to make way for deeper acceptance for one another, no matter what our lives look like in terms of status.  I am going to rest in the quiet of a single life not bombarded by the noise of what society says I should be.  I am going to walk with the Lord and strive to listen closer and follow in obedience to who He is calling me to be.

summer melodies

i've been lacking a bit of inspiration and drive lately. it feels like an uphill battle to even do the most mundane of tasks.  it is especially disheartening to encounter this battle in the summer season when there is so much freedom to do as i please.  it is hard when it feels like nothing pleases.  i know i'll snap out of it.  the usual remedies aren't working their magic like they usually do, but they are helping a bit.  getting in the word, taking a walk before dawn, watching a movie that makes me feel something...these have helped. i am in a bit of a reading rut...i haven't been caught by a book lately and i think that is starting to get to me...so i turn to tunes.  as i tend to remember seasons best by the music i am listening to, i am trying to capture this span of time, even in its uninspired-ness and feel and be in the moment.  these are the summer songs that are currently breathing life into my soul:

here & now

"Though we see the same world, we see it through different eyes." ~ Virginia Woolf

I find with age, that it is increasingly harder to pay attention to what is in front of me, to be in the moment that I am in currently.  This was my vow for 33.  That I would live in the here and now.  And yet I often find myself ruminating on tomorrow, wondering what the next five years hold, worried about what they might not.  I often spend time pondering the "what ifs" torturous and glorious as they may be.  Sometimes they are things I don't even put words to, rather I toss images around in my head and sit with them for a moment and then release them just as quickly before they can become a real, tangible thought or prayer.

Early in the summer season, I am reminded with deep gratitude that I am walking into a time and space where I feel more free to be in the here and now.  I can stay in the present and fully address what is right in front of me, because this sacred season allows me to.  I am drunk on summer and the restriction free days.  And yet it too is overwhelming for in these long summer days I have the freedom to go to places that the distracted days of fall, winter and spring shield me from.  Summer is where I begin to let my guard down and find a place where I can once again begin to unfold the true self and shed the false outer layers of she who protects me from a cruel and at times frightening world.

You see, the version of myself that I bring to the table in those other 10 months of the year feels like someone quite different than who I really am and find myself to be in space and time the summer season gifts me.  In more constricted and obligatory times I often find I have to pretend to make it through.  I wear the masks that make it okay for me to live and participate in the real world.  This person, this false self, at times a stranger to me, and other times the most intimate of beings, I find needs things that the truer parts of me (the Imago Dei) do not demand when I am able to detach and simply be in the here and now of a quieter, less busy, ultimately safer place.

In summer I am fortunate to find myself taking longer walks, sitting near the roar of the Pacific, venturing to new places, moving at a pace better suited to my heart and soul, writing and reading as many words as I can, living sublimely in the comfort and love of my God.  And I wonder...how do I bring a little bit more of this into the other 10 months of my year...where I can truly be in the here and now without as great of a struggle and pain?

I am old enough and wise enough now to realize I cannot encapsulate this perfection into every moment of my life.  Those other 10 months of the year that demand and expect so much of me, also grow me in ways, stretch and challenge me to do good and hard things, to be others minded in a much more perceptible way than I can be in the beauty and quiet of the summer season. And for that I am grateful.  But as I unwind from the whirlwind, I find that parts of me are wounded and broken that I had not realized because I was hardly in the here and now to see and know and tend to what was really going on.

As I reflected over the last few weeks, I realized where the struggle is rooted in.  So much of this discovery is rooted in my study and understanding of the Enneagram (a post on that journey for another time) but what I uncovered is that so much of life in the real world, in my current job, and even in certain relationships demands that I defend my worth.  The struggle there is that my worth is tied to the wrong things, yet they are the things that most everyone else would say determines the value of a person.  Therefore, ten months out of the year it is as if my worth is under attack.  And while some do not intend to, they do make certain ideas and outcomes the true measure of the worth and value of your entire person.  Before I realized all the false things I tied my worth too, I realized that I had become extremely fatalistic in my outlook on things and people and life in general.  Everything became an "oh well, this is just how it is going to be."  I was defeated because I didn't feel like I could/can really defend my worth or the worth of others for that matter if our worth is tied to such shaky things.  Worst of all, I stopped searching for God's healing, grace and mercy in all of this, because it was hard to stay present in it.  Instead I just believed this is how it is, and this is how it will be.

To cope with such ideas, I turned to the quick fixes, all of which, of course are more damaging and ultimately dragged me to lower levels of shame; my worth completely under attack not only by the world, but also by my own hand.

It's funny, so many of whom I work with, those I live and do life with, don't see much of any of this the same way that I do.  Hence, the Woolf quote at the top of this post, we experience the same world, but our experiences of it are quite unique, just as our view of our own selves and one another tend to differ.  I am grateful for these other eyes that see the world in different ways, however, it doesn't necessarily shift my own views, perspective, ideas about of all it in any automatic way.

Instead, I find myself returning to where 2017 began.  To believe. As I breathe and be...as I live in the here and now, I really begin to again confront that which my belief is rooted in.  What do I believe about God?  What do I believe about myself in relation to Him? What do I believe about myself as human being who has worth and value?  What do I believe about the worth and value of others?  And the answers that come about to these questions determines precisely what I am fighting and living for every day.

So,  I thank the Lord for the summer season.  More specifically, for the opportunity to explore, question, renew, discover and simply be in the here and now.

thirty-three//where i've been & where i am going

 

this time it's different.  i didn't have a wish list.  there wasn't a specific prayer on my heart attached to an expected outcome.  instead i am moving with the moment.  i am paying attention to what and who is in front of me.  and it is so vastly different from what i know.  i am letting go of my future fixation.  i am laying down my desire to understand why.  i am seeking truth in what is right now.  i am not stuffing down what is painful.  i am learning to confront the pain and live in the context of the world with the truth of His word firmly rooted in my heart.  i do not think i deserve any particular life anymore.  and for once, that doesn't come from a place of inadequacy, rather it comes from a place of knowing that i am seen and known and loved by the God of the universe and when it comes down to it, i truly believe that is all i really need.  because those instinctual needs: food, water and shelter, He meets and He has instilled in me the trust that even when i don't know where or when; He will provide.  and those deeper needs: connection, intimacy and hope, He shows up and freely gives.  therefore, what can i possibly demand?

nothing.

so, this is my prayer for 33: to relinquish control. to stop bemoaning what doesn't seem fair.  to be awake and alert to the heaven meets earth moments and to be a part of His kingdom come.  to recognize and know and thereby live out what i am here for.  to shine a light, to bear His beams of love, to be to others what i can freely be in this station of life i find myself in.  to let the Lord break the ties of selfishness and open myself up to what He has in mind.

Lord Jesus, this is my humble cry: to be Yours, a ready and willing servant, attentive and available.  You, Lord are the lover of my soul and I could not ask for anything better.  Jesus, all my heart belongs to you, every heartbeat longs for you.  And I am so thankful to be known by you.  Lord, lead me into deeper intimacy with you in this new year of my life.


 

disappointment//determination and finding wholeness in grace

Lately I've been noticing the small things.  And each noticing has led me to this simple thought: God cares about me.

Matthew 6:26 "Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not of more value than they?"

I love this verse.  It reminds me, in my own smallness and often pervasive feelings of unworthiness, that God sees me and cares for me.

It is not as if I operate under an ideology or a theology that says God doesn't care for me, but that is often just the message that my feelings inform me of.  I am not worthy to be cared about, by anyone.

Why is that?

Well, a year of mandated therapy (for a masters program in counseling psychology) as well as 8+ years of spiritual direction have led me to more than a few reasons and origin stories that answer the question as to why.  And having walked down those paths a time or two, I have been able to move past some significant roadblocks and ascend a spiral staircases or too (more on that later).

But still, sometimes, something happens and the feelings they creep up rather cunningly and I am left with the feeling of once again being a disappointment and feeling utterly unworthy of anyone and anything.

Part of it is my normal.  It is almost my own way of being...to live in "unworthy", accepting the idea of being a perpetual disappointment and perpetually disappointed.


As I am a people please-r to the core.  I want (for the most part) people to feel happy with me.  And when I get that isn't what's happening, my automatic default is: "What have I done?!?!"

Reality would most likely point to nothing.  However, my own false self and her grand ideas would say, "you most certainly have.  It is all your fault that he/she is not happy.  How dare you?!"

And so, I struggle with defining the reality of the situation.  It is hard to understand how much responsibility I hold and how much weight should be placed on that responsibility.

Lately it seems I am on a great track of disappointing people and they have let me know in subtle ways.  And in truth, the greater issue has been not knowing how to remedy their disappointments, because I feel unable to appease them or give them what they need.  Which then leaves me with wondering whether I am at fault for not being enough for them, or if it is their demands that leave us at this impasse.

Regardless of the answer, I found myself spiraling down deep into an ocean of desperately disappointing.  And I couldn't breathe.  And I couldn't see straight.  And I had to reach out and admit that I couldn't swim to shore on my own. I would drown if I hadn't cried out.

And that is where the light often breaks through.  When I realize I cannot make sense of the mess on my own, I cried out.  I stopped trying to fix and please and repair and appease and instead I simply whispered in defeat, "I can't."

"I am so, so sorry, but I can't."

And worse yet, that "I can't" was followed with the unknown of why.  There is no explanation to offer.  And trust me, I need an explanation, even if you don't.

But I cannot explain.  I have to sit with and in the truth that I may be an utter disappointment to myself and to you and perhaps to a myriad of other people.  And the admission that I cannot fix it, any of it, it is when I think I am at my worst that grace invades the space that I am in.

All because of GRACE, I find my way.

All because of GRACE, I move toward wholeness.

All because of GRACE, I can move out of the disappointment, beyond the unworthiness, and determinedly toward healing.

Grace, this majestic and wondrous gift.  Grace, a gift I do not often marvel at nor appreciate. And yet it is worthy of endless contemplation and adoration.

Grace allows me to receive criticism without it defining me.

Grace makes it safe for me to longer hide when feelings of unworthiness pervade.  Grace speaks worthiness over me.

It is easy to hurt others or ourselves when we don't let grace do its work.

To Him, the Grace Giver,  I am worthy and I am whole and I am seen and I am loved.

As I grasp His hand and let go of my need to control and be controlled by the negative, I walk toward a life that is increasingly free from the need to please and ever filled with the kindness of His grace.

best lines//january joy

I want a warm handshake from a slow and simple life.

love//the first time around

Love, the first time around, is messy and fast and all together muddled and perplexing.

Love was the first time you put your hand on my knee and and I forgot entirely how carsick I was.  It was the last time you really looked at me like somehow I was magic as we sat together in the front of your Tacoma.  I had spent so much of our conversation looking out the window, only to turn and find you staring at me smiling.  That smile with those ever deepening lines around your eyes, it always got me.

Now, I can't seem to remember the very last time we spoke.  I don't think I etched that moment into memory, probably because I was too hurt and bitter after everything happened. What I think I remember is one of the last times we spoke, when you broke our coffee date because you forgot you had class that night.  I remember wondering how it is you could have forgot such a thing as having class?  However, it would be the same excuse I would use only weeks later to break a date myself.

I remember clinging to your grey sweatshirt when we sat together in the nosebleed bleachers of the baseball park about four months after we first met.  Everyone else we knew was spread out in the rows in front of us chattering away.  You had made your way back up to sit with me and my friends dispersed.  There we were together, in the beginning of it all, among a crowd, but feeling like we were the only two people in the world.  I pretended to be into the game, saying something about the runner on 2nd, and you said you didn't care about the game, you just wanted to talk to me.  You said, with your face turned toward me, while my eyes were fixed on the field, that you wanted to know everything about me.  My heart raced as I felt the intensity of your gaze and the weight of those words.  I smiled and pulled your arm into mine because it felt like such a very safe and natural thing to do.

The moment I got home that night, I penned those words in my journal.  They felt too important to not record. No one had ever said anything like that in my whole 21 years of life.  I didn't ever want to forget them, no matter how things would unfold from there.

Two years later, I threw that journal away, when the idea of us was no longer in question.

I heard about you recently. You found a wife that you met online.  You have a son and a daughter.  You work hard to provide for them.  You do the things you love while building that little family of yours.  When I heard the whole story, I smiled.  I was really, truly glad for you. 

A year after it ended, you told me love was a choice.  You had a beer in your hand and you were acting so nonchalant.  So many people surrounded us and the music was loud.  I felt dizzy.  I wanted you to come outside with me, but I couldn't muster the courage to ask.  I imagine you would have.  But you continued to wax poetic saying that we get to choose who we love, and I remember thinking, how do I un-choose you? You went on to lament the many girls who had walked away recently.  I wanted to ask why you didn't care that I was happy to stay, but instead I slipped out of the party and drove to the lake and parked in the dark of a late Wednesday night and cried.  I must have cried for over an hour.  I put way more hurt on your words than you probably ever intended.

The first time you asked me out was to a bbq at a friend's apartment.  We barely spoke the whole night, but I remember you watching me from the balcony as I sat with the other girlfriends in the living room.  And I thought, this must be heaven to hold a man's eye like this.  Every time I would glance up and catch your eye, you would wink or smile.  It was nice to be seen and known by you.  It was assuring in a way I had never known before.  I loved when you told the other girls you were going to "steal me away".  I took your hand knowing I would follow you wherever you lead.

Last night I tried to find the one picture I have of us together.  I started to cry when I thought I might have thrown it away by now.  But I hadn't.  It was buried in the bottom of a box of pictures from college.  We are in our graduation gowns.  You are wearing your cap and I am wearing my hair full and swept to the side.  My smile seems a bit sad but you seem genuinely happy.  Your arm is around my shoulder and your hand lays across my chest.  My hands are holding your arm.  We appear at ease with each other.  My head is resting against your neck.  I suddenly am startled by the memory that it was moments after this photo was snapped that you told me you couldn't come to my graduation party.  You didn't give a reason and I didn't ask.  I just accepted the broken promise all the while thinking that was when I was supposed to introduce you formally to my parents with the thought that you may just be the man I might someday marry.  

I stared at your face a long while last night searching to find the man that I thought I loved.  I recognize now that love stories digress in their course and sometimes they don't end with getting the guy.

I suppose it was the picture she posted on MySpace that shifted everything for me.  You and her and them.  Sharing a meal.  Playing games. You had told me the day before I saw that, that pursuing me was the best choice you had made that year.  And yet, those words spoken by you did not fall on my ears the same way.  There was always another her.  The whole way through.  I was just too naive to see it.

My therapist said it probably wasn't love.  But let's call a spade a spade and say it was.  It was for me because it was life-altering.  My therapist mostly heard about the ways in which what we had was so debilitating and crippling for me, so I can't really blame his conclusions.  But for you, I always wonder, maybe it was love, and you were just able to love many at the same time.

I don't actually know what to call that.  Maybe such an idea strips any authenticity from the love, but I can't discount the good memories.

I am pleased to hear that you have become the man that I think I always knew you could be.  I am pretty sure if I had to do it all over again, I might not even change one thing, if it means we both could end up in this same place and take the same paths that we did to get here.  I'd say it was worth it.