work conversations.

"what's the oldest you'd be willing to date?
"43."
"that's a really specific number."
"that's how old donnie wahlberg is."
blank stare
"i'd date donnie wahlberg."
"oh. you should write him a letter and tell him that."

pondering gratitude.

Gratitude is like a river that is ever flowing...

Gratitude keeps our attention on God's goodness to us. It makes sure we never forget that we are loved. When we neglect it, we start focusing on ourselves, on our own achievements, on our own desires – but none of those things can satisfy this fundamental need of our soul.

November does it to all of us I suppose. We think about what we're thankful for. It's easy to be thankful when you're standing atop the Empire State Building on Memorial Day at Midnight. It's easy to be grateful when you get to see your favorite musician play before your very own eyes.

But it shouldn't be harder to feel grateful when your long term and short term future for that matter seem so unclear. It shouldn't be hard to feel grateful when you're still living in your parents home trying to figure out your life and make ends meet. The same amount of gratitude should exist under all circumstances. For their is life in my lungs and hope in my heart, even still.

I'm thankful for all moments. Each one of them have something to teach, wonder to offer, hope to stir, joy to complete, and pain to heal.

I'm thankful for the time to think, to ponder the unknown path ahead, to take joy in the wonderful people I've yet to meet, to learn endurance and hope can sustain through the darkest valleys...simply thankful.

my list of gratitude:

a list of learning.

autumn skies inspire me.

i like my hair long.

just because everyone else is doing it, doesn't mean that i have to, too.

sometimes i cry, and i don't have to know why.

rain seems loveliest in october.

i really don't hate my brother.

i will never stop loving owls.

i am only beginning to understand prayer.

my image of God as a scorekeeper is not correct.

my circumstances are not indicative of God's character.

i like caramel under certain circumstances.

i am still painfully shy at times.

katy perry actually looks good with pink hair.

i think i really want puppies and babies.

debt isn't so frightening anymore.

God is bigger than money.

politics are suddenly interesting again.

wearing glasses makes me feel smarter.

ryan gosling is a really good actor.

friday night lights is probably the best show i never really watched.

my new/current mantra: (stolen from George Eliot) "it's never too late to be who you might have been."

bon iver, bon iver.

holy moly! i freaking love bon iver. seeing this amazing concoction of musical talent live has blown my mind to pieces. seriously it's everywhere. i am so in love with mr. vernon's voice and beard. i am so enamored with the melodies, the lyrics, and the raw emotion in the presentation of it all. the emotional depth, story telling nature, and honesty in the lyrics just make my heart melt like ice cream on a hot day. i listen to wolves act I and II and i cry like a baby. i am just so moved by it all. "what might have been lost, what might have been lost...someday my pain will mark you."

image from mojo: they say-bon iver music is cathartic and strangely heart-warming.

dead ends.

i am so inspired by today's message at church. i seriously sit in my seat, whether i am alone, or with friends, or meeting new people, and am so grateful and thankful God has placed me at the church He has. His fingerprints are all over my being there. there is something about journey that so connects to who i am, and everything it seems that church should be. and really that stems from the heart of the pastor, who God speaks through, i have no doubts. not a single doubt. today God spoke, and i sat in awe and wonder as i listened and watched it happen.

dead ends. we all hit them. sometimes when we have wandered astray, and other times, when we have remained on the straight and narrow. but they do come. and what is our/my response? grumble and complain, whine and stomp feet, cry and hide under the covers, shut people out, give up, become bitter. um yeah, all of the above in some fashion or another. but what could be our/my response? prepare to be used by God. this idea aligns itself with the "something better" principle that has been guiding my life as of late. God has something better in store. every time i hit a dead end it seems this is the quiet reminder that keeps creeping up. and still i sit here today, asking God, where is it? where's the something better?

refuse to presume. wait, inquire, and listen. God is speaking. God will speak. God has spoken. notice in the story in Acts 16, paul and timothy are on a journey full of dead ends, but notice their response: an utter lack of blaming and despairing. often times the first one we blame when we hit a dead end is ourselves. of course its my fault. i can point to something i did, that certainly deserves the consequence of this dead end.

we have to learn to be led. we need to be open to God speaking to us in different ways. it's amazing how God spoke in the book of acts alone...through tongues of fire, Jesus as a blinding light in the sky, visions, dreams, perceiving, angels intervening, groups wrestling together, the Holy Spirit!

the decision needs to be made...my life is about purpose not pleasure, cause not comfort, the Kingdom of God, not the kingdom of me. i must learn to decouple my circumstance from God's love. circumstances/things are not indicative of God's love.

in the waiting...remember something better is coming...don't get bitter.

new beginnings.

Autumn is in the air. an autumn in new york or an autumn in southern california, it is a beautiful thing. I smell fireplaces in the cool of the evening, and see the leaves beginning to fall from their trees. I feel the draw of soft acoustic music, and the taste of pumpkin in my coffee cup. This year doesn't look how I thought it would in so many ways. Things keep slipping through my fingers. Everything seems so outside my control, and I am so unsure of where to pick up and go next. Grace abounds in ways I can never understand, and for that I am humbled and thankful.
I am trying to do what I am doing now with joy. But I am tangled up in those words said so recklessly that cut so deeply, leaving a sting that won't soften. My heart is worn and torn, and I wish I could overcome it in a snap of the fingers, but it is not that easy. And truthfully, the things I want are so simple. I'm not asking for much. But I am continually spinning in this whirl of thoughts and emotions that come and go, that keep me sane, and make me crazy. Oh the contradiction that I consistently am.
The days keep spinning me around, but the hope of autumn on the horizon calms me down. I find myself drawn in yet again. Alongside You is where I want to be. Wherever You are, is where I long to find myself. And that is enough. More than enough.

Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places. Post #1

I forgot how hefty this material was. It truly is a book that needs to be tackled little by little to truly draw any meaningful insight from it. I found myself underlining much more than I had the first time I read it through. That's why I think it is so cool to reinvest in books you have already read, to see what else you can gain from it. Granted I never finished this book the first time around, and it definitely isn't one I can pick up where I left off. :)

The Introduction.

The point of this, and the whole book to come, is for Petersen to ensure the reader understands what exactly spiritual theology is. I don't think I got it the first time around, which is pretty lame, as it seems so straight forward to me now. Spiritual theology is (i like this summation the best, though he offers a few) the attention that we give to keeping what we think about God in organic connection with the way we live with God.

Truthfully, this tends to be a struggle for me, and I believe the Christian community as a whole. We tend to get really dogmatic, and we become knowledge lovers...or we abandon all that dogma and truth, and seek out what makes us feel good. Now it is about bridging the gap. I want to incorporate the truth, the attention we give to knowing God, with the effort to living it out in everyday life. Therefore, I want to live what I know and believe about God.

Oh how different my life would look. I tend to live more with a lack of faith in others and myself. I tend to live more like God is not intimately involved with His creation, regardless if I see it or not. Often times I forget God is emphatically personal, and that God is only and exclusively God in relationship. I think this is a hard one to grasp because our relationships here on earth can falter and fail so much. So I tend to wonder how I can grow and build in this relationship with God. I too often attribute Him with human characteristics that are an insult to a loving and merciful God, so beyond our petty human ways.

Petersen writes, "God is vast and various, working visibly and invisibly. Left to ourselves we often get lost in blind alleys, get tangled up in thickets, and don't have a clue where we are. The map (Trinity Country) locates us: it provides the vocabulary and identifies the experience by which we can explore God when there are no signs pointing to him, when there are no neatly lettered labels defining the odd shape or feeling that is in front of our eyes."

This quote simply reminds me that I often look in the wrong places for that guidance and direction, which is silly, because a map is pretty straight forward. I wouldn't fully trust anything or anyone else more than a map to guide me on a trip, so why would I look elsewhere in my journey with God?

I am really enthusiastic about diving into all of this...and see how it all melds together and how everything relates, as Christ as the key figure behind and in it all.