dead ends.

i am so inspired by today's message at church. i seriously sit in my seat, whether i am alone, or with friends, or meeting new people, and am so grateful and thankful God has placed me at the church He has. His fingerprints are all over my being there. there is something about journey that so connects to who i am, and everything it seems that church should be. and really that stems from the heart of the pastor, who God speaks through, i have no doubts. not a single doubt. today God spoke, and i sat in awe and wonder as i listened and watched it happen.

dead ends. we all hit them. sometimes when we have wandered astray, and other times, when we have remained on the straight and narrow. but they do come. and what is our/my response? grumble and complain, whine and stomp feet, cry and hide under the covers, shut people out, give up, become bitter. um yeah, all of the above in some fashion or another. but what could be our/my response? prepare to be used by God. this idea aligns itself with the "something better" principle that has been guiding my life as of late. God has something better in store. every time i hit a dead end it seems this is the quiet reminder that keeps creeping up. and still i sit here today, asking God, where is it? where's the something better?

refuse to presume. wait, inquire, and listen. God is speaking. God will speak. God has spoken. notice in the story in Acts 16, paul and timothy are on a journey full of dead ends, but notice their response: an utter lack of blaming and despairing. often times the first one we blame when we hit a dead end is ourselves. of course its my fault. i can point to something i did, that certainly deserves the consequence of this dead end.

we have to learn to be led. we need to be open to God speaking to us in different ways. it's amazing how God spoke in the book of acts alone...through tongues of fire, Jesus as a blinding light in the sky, visions, dreams, perceiving, angels intervening, groups wrestling together, the Holy Spirit!

the decision needs to be made...my life is about purpose not pleasure, cause not comfort, the Kingdom of God, not the kingdom of me. i must learn to decouple my circumstance from God's love. circumstances/things are not indicative of God's love.

in the waiting...remember something better is coming...don't get bitter.

sigh no more.

lately at church the pastor has been focusing on this series sort of about our sighs.  what do you sigh about? sometimes i feel like life can just be one big sigh.  the word sigh can act as a noun or a verb. the noun sigh refers to a long, deep, sometimes audible exhalation expressing sadness, relief, tiredness, or something akin to these things.  the verb sigh refers to emitting a long deep audible breath expressing those same feelings stated above.  as always, as i feel a lot, it is easy to become entrenched in reasons to sigh.  yet, i never seem to get stuck there too long, because there is always hope, and a rope to grab to pull me out. i think, i pray that happens for all of us. i heard a wonderful testimony of a woman who overcame severe drug addictions that were insanely deep.  she heard God's voice when she was living in a storm drain calling her out of it. it was truly amazing.  but in the same vein i've watched a friend walk down that tortured path and die because of it. sigh.it's so hard to understand why things happen the way they do, and how God is working in the midst of it. i always go back to this truth found in Isaiah.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways, my ways, says the Lord. for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways than your ways, and my thoughts, higher than your thoughts.

i think there is something so profound about this. sometimes it is hard to comprehend truth in the heart. we relegate it to the dusty corner of our mind, never letting it penetrate to the heart. i know that He is so much better than anything else. and yet my heart often wanders off away from what my head knows. i vacillate between His ways and my own...and that is when the sighs creep in. and of course the sighs are usually rooted in lies, and than the sin enters into the picture. ugh, what a vicious cycle it becomes. i know i cannot overcome the sighs, the lies, and the sin on my own. but with Him, who is able to do beyond anything I can imagine or comprehend, I too can be changed. because He loves me enough to change me. woah! for real? just letting that sink in a little bit literally blows my mind.

as i think about sighs, these lyrics keep floating around in my head, and really they are kind of an awesome reminder that fits. ~love will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free, be more like the man you were meant to be, there is a design, an alignment, a cry, of my heart to see, the beauty of love as it was made to be.~

dreaming.

this whole blog has been centered on the idea of dreams.  dreaming is somewhat akin to sustenance in my book.  i need a dream to keep my life in forward motion.  we fill our days with to do lists, we read the news headlines with worry and alarm, we consider the state of our jobs, our families, and relationships, and sometimes i wonder how we keep it all together and keep pressing on.  but we do, for the most part.  sometimes we aid our forward motion with unhealthy things basically meant to keep us from offing ourselves. but there will come an end to that as well.  we have dreams that can sustain us for a moment...but we need dreams to sustain us through a lifetime and to wake us up with joy in the morning and carry us calmly into the evening.  my personal dreams are small and simple.  i never wanted much, and what i dream of, on the outside, seems easily attainable.  some days though it seems as if those dreams just aren't meant to be. in spite of that, the hope they offer me never leaves, and i know that is because of the BIG dream that they are rooted in.  The dream of eternity with LOVE.

Sunday Thoughts

“I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.” ~Anne Lamott

An extra hour of daylight and a soft cool evening breeze (such grace) thank you Lord.  I breathe it all in...I am so unworthy.

God is not glorified in what we have.  I don't think he cares much for all the stuff we gather up and hold so dearly over the course of our days.  Rather I think God is glorified in who we are, and by how we act.  Our ability to act is a result of His grace.  Act in love in whatever you do.

the weekend that was.

"In the beginning of our spiritual life we ought to be faithful in doing our duty and denying ourselves; but after that, unspeakable pleasures followed. That in difficulties we need only have recourse to Jesus Christ and beg His grace, with that everything became easy."~Brother Lawrence



this weekend i had to shut off. i just had to move through the moments without any sort of feeling attached to them, unless i was to dissolve to tears, or lash out in anger. sometimes i think i have all my shit together, and i am always sadly mistaken. oh such a fool i can be. it is always once i resolve to move forward bravely and do the things i know i need to be doing, it is in that resolve that i always tend to crumble. it is then that the lies seep in, the critics have their say, the enemies beat you down, and then you're just you lying on the floor, weakened and defeated.



but it is when you are down, out for the count, completely humiliated, that the light begins to seep in again. if i turn my thoughts towards Him, away from me, away from them, away from this, i remember grace. i remember love. i remember forgiveness. it is so hard to live in moment by moment. it is so easy to just fade into the bleakness of life. to move through the motions, through the monotony, forcing yourself to look up, to touch, to do.

brother lawrence got something i have yet to grasp. i read his wisdom again and again and i am perplexed, inspired, challenged, and discouraged. he just seemed to do it. he got it and he did it. he met life with grace and ease because he faced it with God.

I want to get there.

GRACE!

mmm...grace.

unconditional unmerited undeserved grace.

I loved this song they sang tonight in church. beautifully honest.
credit goes to switchfoot of course.

I am my own affliction
I am my own disease
There ain´t no drug that they could sell
Ah there ain´t no drugs to make me well
There ain´t no drug

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
It´s not enough
The sickness is myself

I made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I made a mess of me I wanna the get back rest of me
I made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my live alive
The rest of my life alive!

We lock our souls in cages
We hide inside our shells
It´s hard to free to the ones you love
Oh when you can´t forgive yourself
Yeah forgive yourself!

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
The sickness is myself

I made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my live alive
The rest of my life alive!

this truth resonates in my heart and soul.
this is the battle. it's so hard to not walk around ashamed, masking pain, masking the mess that is me. i am awake to the pain of not being able to control my life the way i thought i could. i am always trying to fix everything, cover up the symptoms, manage the sin. i am so humbly grateful that grace does not depend on me or anything i can do, but solely on a faithful always loving God. Grace destroys my toxic thinking. Grace neutralizes sin's power. God is not ashamed of who i am.

Truth, Grace. Let it reign Lord. Reign Lord.

something wonderful.

thank you God for this most amazing dream.

thank you God for dreams unfoldings into realities.

thank you God for majestic beauties that nourish & inspire.

But we humans are most alive when we passionately pursue our dreams, live with purpose, and have a sense of destiny. We thrive when we are optimistic about the future. Bottom line: we cannot live the life of our dreams without an irrational sense of destiny. And all of us have dreams. More than that, all of us need dreams. Some of us sadly are just sleeping through them.

~Erwin Mcmanus

sunday thoughts.

To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to. ~Khalil Gibran



If I could find a way, you and i would drive that road, to another place... but this is home, and it's not always that easy.

There is an open world out there and we are just wandering through it, with closed eyes and with closed hearts that are bruised and wounded.

The past is in the past and the future has yet to happen.

All we have is this present moment, to live what we aspire...to live what we dream.

How am I doing that today? In this very moment?

Thank you Lord, for the encouragement of Your Living Breathing Words...

1 Corinthians 15:50-58~

I declare to you, brothers, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. 51 Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— 52 in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. 53 For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. 54 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

55 “Where, O death, is your victory?

Where, O death, is your sting?”

56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

58 Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

2 Corinthians 5:9-10

9 So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. 10 For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.

Surrender

when i was younger, maybe around seventeen years old, i remember really grappling with the concept of "surrender." I wondered how it worked, what it looked like in real life...my life...any life. having attended a christian high school i remember singing a worship song to the Lord during chapels in which over and over we sung the words, "i surrender, all to You..." i never really understood what i was singing. i either took it to far, or perhaps not far enough.

did surrender mean not caring about those things that always plagued me? worry, insecurity, money, the future, etc...or was it relinquishing control over things such as finding a mate, figuring out a career path, or who my friends should be?

how could/can i know?

Jesus' life was surrendered to God. How do I know that? Well, when I read the gospels, I see that all He did, what He said, how He lived was all in loving obedience to God, completely surrendered to His Father's will, even when it meant suffering the worst human suffering imaginable.

How do I get my life to grasp that extent of surrender?

For me, surrender, was always about finding some sort of fixed formula. for example, to truly surrender your life, you must...and then there'd be a check list of some kind. but i've realized lately it is something that really happens from a changed heart.

it evolves from growing deeper in love with the Lord.

now more than ever i long to live a life that is wholly about loving and obeying God! This world is growing so wicked...sometimes, actually, almost always it is so plain to see. i tend to get so fixated on some hope for my life on this earth, like if I could just have this job, or if i could just travel to this country, or if i could just marry this person, or maybe if i had this much money, then i'd be...what? happy? satisfied? complete?

No! None of that will satisfy my soul, nor the innermost longings of my heart.
My heart beats for Jesus.

Surrender is being so far removed from the anger, bitterness, and resentment that once clouded the eyes of my heart.

it is resting in His love and grace.

God, please keep me here, how my heart longs to actively stay here with You!

enjoy :)

thus ending a series focused on prayer...today we looked at enjoyment as a part of our prayer lives.

such a concept! often times prayer and enjoyment are not considered hand in hand.

the obvious point of the day, yet the never really considered point, is the fact that pretending is the death of the enjoyment of prayer. Wow! how often do I pretend? How much do I aim to perfect myself before I approach God? How ridiculous! How long before I learn??? To think I can outsmart God? How foolish can I be?

God is not afraid of me or my stuff!

I can never let my own experience in life thus far, ever trump what God says. No matter what life experiences tell me, no matter how many bad things happen, it does not justify any new belief contrary to what God says.

We have a God whose love never fails! He is Good, He is faithful!

God, this week I long to walk toward shamelessness. I want to bring my whole self, my real self, (no pretending), to prayer. I know this will prove difficult, but I pray for the strength and boldness, for all of us, to involve every part of us, our bodies, our imaginations, our intellect, and our emotions in prayer with you!

This Week: A Thick Prayer Focus!

2 Samuel 7:18
"Then King David went in and sat before the LORD, and he said:
"Who am I, O Sovereign LORD, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?"

The Lord is near to all who call upon Him.

As we enter into this last week of August, this sort of end of summer feel is in the air, and in that we are being challenged to really enter into prayer. Ed shared some great nuggets on the topic of prayer today, challenging us to walk into a new normal in our communion/relationship with God.

Specifically what struck me was how if we really think about it, the only people God relates to are unworthy ones. So often I let the fact that I am so not worthy to commune with the God of the Universe deter me from ever really praying. I mean to really sit before the Lord...and pray. But in all honesty, what could I possibly do to make myself worthy of God? Absolutely nothing. It seems silly that I've let that prideful sort of belief hinder my communion with Him.

So this week I am pressing into prayer. I am going to ruthlessly unhurry my life, I am going to do my best to sit down before the Lord, much like David, and just commune with Him. I long to be quiet before Him, and just listen...I want to soak in His presence.

mmm...Lord, this week I ask that as we press into prayer, You would meet us. Clear the distractions, cause us to be focused, zoned in on You! Speak Lord...please move in our hearts, our lives, our church, our city, our country, and our world...

Love?

14 When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father,15 the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. 16 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. 17 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

~Ephesians 3:14-19

I have been pondering lately the whole experience of God's love. As someone who has believed in God since I was a young girl, it seems that the experience of God's love should be something I am now well acquainted with. The problem is experience and feelings are temporary. Therefore, often times whatever moments of felt love from God I have experienced can easily be forgotten.

Because of that there are consequences. While deep down inside of me I am certain of God's love for me, I struggle to understand this conciously on a day to day basis, and as a result often times I feel as though God doesn't, or couldn't love me.

While these feelings do not speak any truth of God's character, in the same they are feelings that are equally real to me as experiencing God's love. It is difficult to accept either, to be perfectly honest. I don't want to truly admit that God could not or does not love me in spite of how I feel, and in the very same breath it is extremely difficut to accept His love.

What a puzzle!

Where do I go from here? In moments of deep thought, concentration, and limited distraction, it is possible to venture into an intimacy with God in which his love feels so real and dear. Living on this earth in this human filled world it is difficult to acheive such moments. More often than not I am my own distraction. I think my life is far too messy, far too sinful, for God, to love me, really actively love me, let alone, dare to even look upon me. I just think if I could tidy things up, and make everything neat and pristine, well, then I could be good enough for God.

God, what do you think of that? Are you laughing at my stupidity? Are you sad over my faulty thinking? I wish I knew. Help me...to...to just be quiet. Help me to listen. Help me to see, to understand, to comprehend Love. Your perfect love. Honestly I just don't get it.

heart home.

lately i have been thinking about my heart home. what i mean by that is the things in life, the things inside myself, thus the lovely things from the Lord, that bring peace, hope, love, joy, comfort, inspiration, optimism, etc.

with life circumstances always being so unreliable, and of course the unreliability of a shaky economy, corrupt politics, the vunerability of nations and people to the unfathomable...it helps to have a heart home, to keep you. A place that doesn't rely upon any of the unreliables.

i've simply been striving to pursue things, and live my life in such a way, as paul writes of in philippians 4:4-9 (Message Version)

Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

mmm...i love this.

My heart home is in the Lord.
My heart home is in the cool of the evening, in the flow of creativity, in the words of wise thinkers, in the comfort of friends & family, in the beauty of a song lyric and a quiet melody, in the tip of a paint brush, and the freshness of a blank canvas. It is in this present moment...

Sunday Thought...

"Without a vision for your life, without a sense of purpose, you will begin to die a slow death...it is hope that keeps us alive. Hope is the fuel through which we create the future." ~Erwin McManus

Sundays are always thoughtful days. They are slower days where one can take the time to reflect, enjoy deep dialouge with good friends and family, go to church, read a book, bask in the quiet evenings, and rejuvanate and prepare for the new week ahead.

I don't know where I would be, or anyone for that matter without hope for the future. Hope is fuel. Hope fuels our plans, visions, and expectations for the future. i have found that expectation and anticipation are by far the greatest experiences of being human. While some may deem that a depressing thought, I find it to be quite encouraging. Without hope, expectation, and anticipation, I would find nothing good about the future. However, it is with expectation and anticipation that I eagerly await a hope filled future. Even if more trials befall me throughout this year, and the rest of my life for that matter, which of course is inevitable, life is still worth a great deal when we are holding onto hope.