the weekend that was.

"In the beginning of our spiritual life we ought to be faithful in doing our duty and denying ourselves; but after that, unspeakable pleasures followed. That in difficulties we need only have recourse to Jesus Christ and beg His grace, with that everything became easy."~Brother Lawrence



this weekend i had to shut off. i just had to move through the moments without any sort of feeling attached to them, unless i was to dissolve to tears, or lash out in anger. sometimes i think i have all my shit together, and i am always sadly mistaken. oh such a fool i can be. it is always once i resolve to move forward bravely and do the things i know i need to be doing, it is in that resolve that i always tend to crumble. it is then that the lies seep in, the critics have their say, the enemies beat you down, and then you're just you lying on the floor, weakened and defeated.



but it is when you are down, out for the count, completely humiliated, that the light begins to seep in again. if i turn my thoughts towards Him, away from me, away from them, away from this, i remember grace. i remember love. i remember forgiveness. it is so hard to live in moment by moment. it is so easy to just fade into the bleakness of life. to move through the motions, through the monotony, forcing yourself to look up, to touch, to do.

brother lawrence got something i have yet to grasp. i read his wisdom again and again and i am perplexed, inspired, challenged, and discouraged. he just seemed to do it. he got it and he did it. he met life with grace and ease because he faced it with God.

I want to get there.