grace.

"Life is like a rainbow.  You need both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear."

i wake up to the ringing bell of my alarm clock.  i roll over, with a sigh, knowing how desperate i am for more sleep.  but alas, i must get up so as not to be late.  upon waking, i slowly shuffle my way to the bathroom, to wash my face and brush my teeth. i am one of those who brush their teeth before breakfast. it is only then that i begin to feel more alive and awake.  i rummage through the closet, mixing and matching tops and skirts, tights and sweaters.  i toss the prospective outfit across an unmade bed, and meander down the hallway to the kitchen, a puppy at my heels. 

an open window on this humid morning gives me a clue to how hot this day will be.  but i can already feel the beginnings of autumn setting in.  a fresh beginning on the horizon.  the air begins to feel cleaner, my soul feels more at rest, i breathe deeper.

with a cup of coffee in hand, i gather pen and paper and my Bible.  i need this.  these moments, no matter how early in the day it is, are essential.  i need the quiet.  i need to hear from Him.  i need.

this early morning grace.  this before the day progresses into busyness, i need this place of just me and Him.  i need to carry it through the day with me.  i want to hear from Him beyond these moments. i want to be reminded to look to Him outside of this planned time together.  i need Him at all moments in my day.  creating this time and space reminds me of this.  His Grace. 

and as i moved on with my day, packing up my car, driving out of the neighborhood, i look up, across the street at the church building i love so dearly and i see a rainbow.  a glorious wonderful rainbow.  and i am reminded yet again of His Grace.

moment by moment, grace.

someday//someone.

i think that if i change my hair color or buy a new dress that somehow that will be all i need to be happy forever, or at least the foreseeable future. but then i get home and the dress is too short, or the hair color too light, and i am in need of another shopping spree or a box of hair dye to once again attempt to achieve happiness through outward beauty.

or i imagine the absolutely worst case scenarios on any given day.  because i worry too much, and maybe its just because in some sort of delusional way, i am prepared.  and thus, when the worried about worst case scenario doesn't actually unfold i am filled with a great amount of gratitude.  and i am reminded once again how much more i need to trust and lay my worries at His feet.

or sometimes i get really stressed out.  and i don't talk about it with anyone.  so when i come home i rearrange the furniture and i clean.  and then i feel better.  i can have control over this one thing.  my house is clean and it feels fresh and new.  and somehow that means everything else will be okay too.

in case you're not picking up on the pattern here, i tend to go off the deep end about things.  sometimes it's big things that matter and sometimes it is those small petty things that really shouldn't bother me at all.

all of this is to say, i ventured off that high up ledge of security and calm, and dove into the deep dark abyss of crazy and worry the other night and i really feel quite silly about it.  it was one of those "whoa is me" conversations with a trustworthy friend.  the kind where i am finding myself in the wrong dress, and my hair color is too faded, and i am imagining the worst case scenario.  you know, one of those conversations that unfolds over the course of a long drive, where you are honestly facing yourself, and then you utter those too true feeling words, the ones that come out in just the most awful, self-absorbed way?

what if i'm alone forever?

thankfully in that moment of utterance being with a truly good friend as i was, who wouldn't let me drown in that abyss, encouraged me that i am more than likely, if not completely being irrational about such a prospect, about all of it really.

and i was.
the hair color change.
the new dresses.
the incessant cleaning and rearranging.
what does it solve?
it is a mere displacement of feelings.

but it all does make me wonder...why do i do this...this cycle of my own craziness? i avoid, i displace, i deny, and then i freak out, i cry, and i come back to sanity and i wonder why.

why is it when i finally come around to this idea of finding you, why is it when i finally recognize those deep rooted desires within me, when i am finally not as afraid anymore, or am trying to run, that you seem to be absolutely nowhere to be found.  i wouldn't even know where to begin.  and than that all too real feeling of panic bubbles up inside of me...what if, what if, what if??? 

i watch and i observe the men i encounter.  i see how they dress, i watch how they treat the people around them, i listen to what they say, and i grow more and more alarmed.  where are the good ones? do they exist? why do i never see/meet them?

and it is only when i get down and desperate that i listen to Him.  my heart of hearts.  the truth.  the reality check.  and He reminds me...He is the good one.  and He encourages me and guides me to trust Him and only Him.  because new hair colors are not trustworthy.  and a new dress fades and shrinks...and cleanness only lasts so long.

and i think in light of where He leads me and i know....


i know you are a good one.  i believe it with all of my heart.

and i wonder when men look at me and observe me, what do they see?  a worthy woman?

someday will we find each other? and when it happens, will we feel worthy?

and one day, someday, when you come home to me and the scent of bleach is in the air and my hair color has changed slightly and there is a new outfit in the closet, or maybe, just maybe the furniture will be rearranged...will you know?

will you just take my hand, and tell me that it's going to be okay?  will you pray for me and with me?  will you point me back to Him, and can we pursue Him more deeply together?

that's all i really am looking for.

it is all i really need.

i know what's like...

to be passed over, to go unnoticed,

to be clumsy get things wrong

and i know what it's like

to arrive too late

to be told to leave

to be walked upon

 

if only for today

i wanna be the girl who got away

the lover who really loved

the dancer who really danced

to the last song

 

 

i have no control.  i am surrendering to that today.  i don't know how to piece it all together, to make it happen.  because i can't.  it's all so discouraging. 

 

i need grace, love, peace and patience. 

 

i know what it's like to not have those things. 

i know what it's like to not be seen. 

i want to do great things in spite of all this. 

 

i want to love and experience great things, to feel awe in spite of everything telling me i cannot.

 

for just today, can i be the girl who got away from all of this and just feel the freedom of faith and hope?

what i'm listening to...

i am music obsessed.  if that hasn't been apparent already, let me state it as a true blue fact. i love music.  truly, music of all kinds.  i have some embarrassing "i really don't want you to know how much i love this" tastes, and some "omigoodness this is the most amazing sounds ears can behold, how, oh how can i get this to the ears of the world so that they too can experience the glory and wonder of what i have experienced" tastes.  yes, it can be that intense.  music is such a...spiritual thing.  i feel as though that is far too cliche a thing to say, but if i didn't i think any other word would negate the power of music.  music for me, is somewhere i go to feel things, to taste and see good, to have intimacy with the Lord, with humanity, with nature...it is just so intimate.

all that to say, if for some reason you come across this, make sure you pause and listen.  listen to the melodies, to the work of the instruments, to the voice, the emotion, the intensity, the heart and soul inside each song, each verse, each movement.  and enjoy.  and for me, this is a reminder, of why music is important, of what it does for my soul, and of how it connects us, and takes us to new and deeper destinations of heart and soul.

the fun of all the others.

it always seems greener, doesn't it?

i try not to think that way.  but i can't help but constantly wonder about the lives of others?  what are they doing right now?  and somehow, it always seems better than...

but who knows?  who really knows?  i often, as of late, seem to write about the strangeness of my placement in life.  you know this whole, 29 & single thing?  i hate to chalk it up to something simple like that, because it is really so much more richly layered.  my life is complex.  i am on the brink it feels...of something.  and i try not to get weighed down by all the "what if i had done..." kind of regrets.  because i do not believe in regrets.  no regrets.

i am here, alive, today, for a reason.  a complex one.  a multi-layered, deep purposed, altering, impacting reason.  i am here.  and it goes beyond what i can know and comprehend in this moment, i know it does.  it has to.

this is what i believe.  it isn't always greener.  it just isn't.
i believe in big belly laughs and giant full tears.  both are necessary.  always.
i believe that reading, long nature walks, and soothing hot baths are absolutely essential.
i think a man should be cultured in some way.  i believe in men who can quote shakespeare and dress beyond jeans and a t-shirt.
i believe in the calm that is a result of hot tea & honey, a good dusting and vacuuming, from music that evokes beyond basic emotions.
i believe that nothing is greater than purposeful solitude, the silence that comes from someone who really listens, and the love of home, wherever or whatever home is.

i believe that greener is here before me.  i don't need to keep looking elsewhere.

inspired transformation.

six months into transformation...and nothing feels much transformed.

it was my friend Christina who gave me the idea of having a word//phrase for each year. for some reason, i felt this pull to the word transformation for 2013.  though for the longest while i couldn't figure out why.  i didn't know what transformation looked like or how i should really go about pursuing it.

last year the phrase i lived and breathed by was "with all my heart."  and wow! that one was spot on.  you see, the whole idea behind the word or phrase for each year is not only a source of inspiration, but a mantra to call upon for strength and encouragement.  it is a guide, a sort of breath prayer that takes me from worried and wayward to centered and focused.  i use the word/phrase as a reminder.  it is a clear focus.

however, this far into 2013 and it seems transformation has been the furthest thing from my mind. it wasn't until this past sunday that i caught a glimpse of that big picture. i finally saw the word transformation and all it can hold, i saw it in a picture...for my life.

transformation: a thorough or dramatic change in form or appearance; a metamorphosis in the life cycle (usually of an animal).

like with anything big, transformation isn't something that just happens to you.  it takes work.  it is a long and arduous process.  it is all about posture.  we need to position ourselves for transformation...that is, for me, loosening my grip on control, closing my eyes, breathing slowly, ignoring the voices of resistance and learning to discern.

for me, it is ignoring the voices of cynicism and fear.  it is pushing away ignorance and embracing more knowledge and truth.

for me, it is wholly trusting in the power of God and giving Him my whole self.  there is a shape that it takes, a full circle kind of feel.  it is going from having the necessary tools, learning how to use them, implementing their use, and then experiencing that change as you do.

for me, transformation requires inspiration.  inspiration is such an overused term, and yet so fitting because it is such a fully and wholly mysterious word.  it breathes life, it beats.

i turn to that which inspires, words, lives and light.  looking out on a cityscape, listening to your heart beating, following the magnetic and hypnotizing words of a wise and endearing soul.  it is there, it is to be found, it does exist.

how to be happy.

 i wake up early.

i brew coffee.

i top my oatmeal with fresh blueberries.

i read in the sunlight, in the quiet.

i am smothered in puppy kisses.

i edit/add to my "daily do" list.

i walk around the neighborhood before everyone is on their way for the day.

i am hydrated.

i look at other people and i smile.

i am noticed and i am loved.

i work and breathe in and out, thank you, i am doing what i love!

there is music that inspires and motivates always on rotation.

i exercise, because after which, i am a better person.

i pray for the hurting people God has brought to my attention, may they catch a break...i whisper gratitude in healthiness, beauty, and hope.

i may spiral down...damning thoughts enter in, insecurities take over, but that's okay.  and normal.  because somehow, someway, i find my way back out.  and that's good.  for too damn long i could not find my way out.

then i am thankful.  i've come a long way.

i sit down and i talk with someone who wants to share part of their day with me.

i wind down early because its good for my soul.

i read words that fill me up and watch something that makes me laugh.

i bathe in soft scents and comforting warmth.

i lie down and i think of you.  i pray for you.  i pray for me.  i am thankful for yet another day.

i fall asleep...happy.