weekend-ish.

shopping with nana, a meaningful chick flick, hanging pictures, afternoon at the pond feeding ducks, reeses pieces, swimming, finishing the great gatsby, iced coffee with cream, church with a new friend, God conversations, heartfelt prayers, words that hold power, songs that offer comfort, staying up late, laughing about nothing, gluten free goodies, writing to change the world, headbands and felt flowers, writing cards, yoga in the mornings, being thankful, creating space, quietly falling asleep with the windows open and the music on low, catching up on blue bloods, and smiling a lot :)

art inspired.

i've been so blessed in the last few weeks to be immersed in beautiful art.  i've always felt that God speaks through art.  after all He is the first and ultimate artist.  He can be credited with the creation of the universe and the imagination of man...therefore, all art in some way or another is a reflection of the image of God.  movies, music, art...i believe in so many ways it points to the incomprehensible beauty and imagination of God. 

it started with my trip to new york and being surrounded by the most amazing archritecture, the galiant green parks, and the historic art museums. mainly the paintings i saw in the met and the moma are what stick with me the most. seeing the actual brush strokes of an original van gogh up close and personal was without exaggeration a life altering experience.  my eyes had never beheld such a wonder but have dreamed to for over a decade.  i literally felt every feeling i've ever had about art and my own artistic abilities shift to the possible realm and all of my worry and stress transformed into to the most joyous and quiet calm i have ever felt.
behold the wonder...

riding on this artistic high i randomly chose to see midnight in paris yesterday with my grandma. we were both in awe of the cinematic shots of paris in the rain, paris in the day, and the glory of paris at night, as well as the culture and creative minds the film depicted from history to today. woody allen did a phenomenal job taking the viewer back to a time when literature and art were in their finest form...with the pieces of pablo picasso, the mind of salvador dali, the writings of Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Gertrude Stein, and the forgotten and rarely embraced dream of people today, going after there long harbored desires of writing, traveling, living abroad, and not settling for what we think we are supposed to. it sounds pretentious and i feel pretentious writing like this, but i feel so strongly about all of this.  these are things that inspire me to live and do.  i feel so naturally drawn to art, painting, reading, writing, traveleing and seeing the world, whether it be through pictures, dreaming, or actually going and seeing first hand. all of this makes me wonder about the life meant for me...i believe there is an adventure to be embraced here, i just haven't quite figured at how, when, exactly what, with who, exactly where it will take me, but i do most certainly know why.

holding onto hope.

after the whirlwind of school, and then a vacation turned into a longer stay, i am settling back into the regularly scheduled program of life.  there's so much of day to day life that i enjoy, so many simple things, like reading a book, being outside, taking a nap, cuddling with a kitty, drinking a cup of tea, painting a picture, and writing...but all of this seems hindered by an overwhelming burden i'd like to call "what the hell am i doing with my life?" 

i am twenty seven years old and i keep thinking of that part in pride and prejudice (the 2005 focus features version) when elizabeth bennet and charlotte lucas are discussing charlotte's recent engagement to the ridiculous mr. collins.  lizzie is of course shocked and appalled by the news.  and what is charolotte's response? "i'm twenty - seven years old, i've no money and no prospects. i'm already a burden to my parents and i'm frightened. so don't you dare judge me lizzie. don't you dare!" oh, it's heartbreaking and quite matches my greatest fear, and that is, of settling.  not solely for a mate, but for a job, for a lifestyle, for a role, that i never really wanted nor was made for.  it is so easy to get wrapped up in the what if's? and the seemingly limited possibilities.

i've just sort of been inwardly frazzled, while outwardly appearing calm and collected about it (which happens to be rather uncharacterisic of me).  my mouth speaks words that don't agree with the state of my heart.  i think i am trying to achieve that sort of thinking that if i keep saying that i'm okay, that it's okay, then that truth will finally sink into my heart and settle there.  it hasn't happened yet.  i know i've got it all mix matched and i am frantically searching for answers with no prayers.  i wish i instantly had the patience to take a day, or even just a moment, and stop trying to figure out the answer and just pray and let my anxious control of these life decisions escape from my tight grasp.  but it's oh so hard.

Oh if we could all just simply rest in and rely upon the comfort and truth of these words to guide our way....Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path."

Psalm 32:8 "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."

Isaiah 58:11 "The Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your needs in parched places, and make your bones strong, and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters never fail."

this view was captured from the top of the rockafeller center.  while everyone was staring down at the majestic central park, my eyes were drawn upward and the only word i could think was...heaven.  and heaven=hope.

music joy.

lykke li often ends up on every playlist i create.  though she seems to fly under the radar, her beautiful songs have ended up in many movies and t.v. shows.  as she sits on the top of my itunes rotation because of her unique voice and songs that fit any day, mood, or theme, she seemed the perfect fit for music sharing!

nyc you still have my heart.

my existence lies here in southern california, but my heart remains in nyc. a brief season away from my normal life and it feels like the whole world should have changed.  but it hasn't, only my heart has changed.  i am in love with nyc...and i know i will miss it terribly when i am gone.  i feel alive here.  i know it cannot last forever.  i was and am in endless awe of the city that never sleeps.  i feel as though i walk around everywhere with my mouth gaping open, gasping at every beautiful sight my blessed eyes are able to behold.  how i long for a life of luxury in manhattan, perhaps selfishly so, but i can't help but think of what an amazing opportunity it would be and the endless amounts of possibilities that exist in staying here.  usually, i am always happy to return back to the home i know, but this is perhaps the first time i feel more sad to leave.  it is as if life elsewhere  has lost its color so suddenly.  i never thought i could love any place more than southern california, but here i am with a change of heart.

loving simple things.

i much too much enjoy the quiet of life.  i enjoy traversing my inner world and living in a special intimacy and calm on a daily basis.  i love the opportunity to imagine and the ability that creativity brings to my mind and heart.  every time i think of my life as a whole, the future that lays out in front of me, the present i am in, i think of one word that i long for, one thing that i crave. simplicity.  i like simple things.  i like folding laundry,  packing a suitcase, lying on my bed and staring out the window getting lost in my thoughts and dreams.  when heavy things are happening, i like that a lightness in life can still exist.  i like opening the screen door and feeling the sun warm my skin inch by inch, and letting the late afternoon breeze fill my insides with its calm. i like stopping on walks to smell the flowers and admire God's creativity that so inspires me. simplicity...it's truly wonderful.

sigh no more.

lately at church the pastor has been focusing on this series sort of about our sighs.  what do you sigh about? sometimes i feel like life can just be one big sigh.  the word sigh can act as a noun or a verb. the noun sigh refers to a long, deep, sometimes audible exhalation expressing sadness, relief, tiredness, or something akin to these things.  the verb sigh refers to emitting a long deep audible breath expressing those same feelings stated above.  as always, as i feel a lot, it is easy to become entrenched in reasons to sigh.  yet, i never seem to get stuck there too long, because there is always hope, and a rope to grab to pull me out. i think, i pray that happens for all of us. i heard a wonderful testimony of a woman who overcame severe drug addictions that were insanely deep.  she heard God's voice when she was living in a storm drain calling her out of it. it was truly amazing.  but in the same vein i've watched a friend walk down that tortured path and die because of it. sigh.it's so hard to understand why things happen the way they do, and how God is working in the midst of it. i always go back to this truth found in Isaiah.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways, my ways, says the Lord. for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways than your ways, and my thoughts, higher than your thoughts.

i think there is something so profound about this. sometimes it is hard to comprehend truth in the heart. we relegate it to the dusty corner of our mind, never letting it penetrate to the heart. i know that He is so much better than anything else. and yet my heart often wanders off away from what my head knows. i vacillate between His ways and my own...and that is when the sighs creep in. and of course the sighs are usually rooted in lies, and than the sin enters into the picture. ugh, what a vicious cycle it becomes. i know i cannot overcome the sighs, the lies, and the sin on my own. but with Him, who is able to do beyond anything I can imagine or comprehend, I too can be changed. because He loves me enough to change me. woah! for real? just letting that sink in a little bit literally blows my mind.

as i think about sighs, these lyrics keep floating around in my head, and really they are kind of an awesome reminder that fits. ~love will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free, be more like the man you were meant to be, there is a design, an alignment, a cry, of my heart to see, the beauty of love as it was made to be.~