eleven.

11 things i learned/experienced from/in 2011.

1) i am a renaissance woman. (there are too many things in life i want to do, and i will do. i am/will be a teacher, a writer, a painter, a traveler, a reader, a musician of sorts, a reliable companion, a thinker, a pray-er, an encourager...)

2)living in the big apple. (changed my life, opened my heart and eyes, inspired my soul.)

3)i completed my education. (i feel like a grown up now.)

4)i can be hurt and still love. (God takes risks, God gets hurt, and God still loves.)

5) spending $400.00 to see your favorite boy band is totally worth it.

6)i don't have to be perfect to be liked. (a long journey and still learning)

7)joy and sorrow can walk hand in hand.

8)regrets don't have to rule my life.

9)just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it isn't possible.

10)friday night lights! (where has it been all my life?)

11)bon iver's perth is hands down the best song of 2011.

paradise, family, and other christmas musings...

i think there is something lovely to be birthed each new christmas. i think there is always something new to discover, something revolutionary to grasp, a new meaning to derive from the story of christmas, the giving of gifts revives our gratitude and appreciation of one another, the togetherness that happens can encourage or crush us. i find that in my family, togetherness always results in some sort of friction. we fall victim to idealizing what the holidays should be and when we finally come together to what is, someone says something wrong, someone gets upset, alienation occurs and now the christmas celebration is colored with anger, sadness, and disappointment. i always wonder, why can't we just have one day, one day of total peace and getting along. i think we all want that. we expect that at christmas time, for at least one day, we can put our differences aside, and not let our ill feelings control our actions, but it never seems to happen how i hope it.

last night at church we talked about how Christmas stirs up this longing for paradise that we all have. we all expect one day of paradise at christmas, and wonder why it cannot last longer. in my own life, i've noticed this longing is running rampant in my soul, stronger and deeper than ever. i think that longing grows when life deals crushing blows. pastor ed noted that when we don't have much to lose we have an easier time of connecting with God and the longing for paradise. i honestly feel like i don't have a lot to lose, and therefore, finding God, connecting with Him, longing for the fulfillment of paradise with Jesus is really easy, and at the top of my list. though i'm in no way saying that people who have a lot, and a lot of good things at that, don't have the desire to connect with God. i just think at this point in my life i don't have as many things to distract me from my desire for Him. and i am thankful for that.

earlier this year coldplay released a song called paradise. i fell in love with this song the first time i heard it. a beautiful lyric from it that stayed with me that goes, "when she was just a girl, she expected the world, but it flew away from her reach, and she ran away in her sleep, and she dreamed of paradise, every time she closed her eyes." it's a funny thing how much this song stirred hope in my heart in my darkest moments this year...and perhaps even more fitting when they sang this song at church last night. as long as i have been going to journey it's as if God has been speaking to me along the whole way, through song, art, scripture, words, prayers, who i am sitting next to, a book mentioned, a testimony told...it is always relevant to me, wherever i am at, whatever i am feeling. i have never had quite a church experience like this. it has been especially meaningful to me, as i've walked more difficult paths the last couple of years.

the song is such a good reminder that hope is not lost. i still look with hope to God this christmas. i pray the same for all hearts...that hope would be stirred up this christmas, whether we are walking in our darkest hour, or carrying life's greatest moment of joy. no matter where we are, i am sure that we all have that longing for paradise. that hope for something good to last. it may not quite be within our reach today, but someday, we can and will have it.

until then, this christmas. and the time that follows we can dream of paradise. we can prepare for paradise. we can set our hearts on the One who made paradise and designed us for it. and especially for today and christmas to follow we can tune our hearts to Him. He longs to connect with us. the signs may be small, but they're there. His heart is for us. He is calling us, drawing us in. It began with a baby in a manger, and the call is still there for us today. look at the moon and the stars, feel the wind on your face, smell the pine trees, look at the family, hope exists, paradise is within our reach.

gloomy, glorious, wonderful, dread!

i have been feeling so chaotic inside lately. i cannot seem to get my grasp on reality...i have been straying so deeply into my superbly skewed perspective of things.  what is real?  what is real? i continue to ask myself in an attempt to not get so entirely lost in the chaotic messy emotional mess that is my brain.

i am seriously dreading this week. dreading...i don't want to do all of the school tasks ahead of me. everything is so entirely out of my comfort zone. i know come sunday, God willing, I will wake up in my own bed and be so pleased with how the week went and that i conquered fear and boldly grasped life by the balls, but i just can't seem to appreciate the likelihood of that outcome until i arrive there.

i just wish it all didn't seem so daunting and dreadful in the meantime! ugh!  oh well, the shiny bright spot in all of this is that i do have some cute outfits to sport this week...perhaps i will post some pics of these adorable ensembles on here :)

another shiny bright spot is the grand encouragement this week, from who else, but teachers from my past.  how odd the timing of that now that i think of it :) it has been truly a blessing to hear from my delightful speech teacher from high school share her words of wisdom on the topic of "courage" and my college professor sent me a nice little message of encouragement that just made my day!  gosh, i didn't realize how special any of this was until i actually typed it out here.  Thank You Lord for that! What Gorgeous Timing You Have! Why do I doubt???


with all of this "big" school stuff coming up...i have the opportunity to take a few days off work, which is of course very nice, but this little break seems to have come when things finally seem to be gelling. hmmph! well i cannot curse and praise timing in the same post, so i will just hope next week will continue that way!

"W" still comes in everyday. i guess i didn't scare him off, i guess i kind of hoped that i had. so since i haven't i am now managing to be not so shaky and my heartbeat craziness that takes place the second he walks in the door has subsided to maybe a 120 beats per minute ;) i actually produce coherent words from my ever fumbling mouth with him when i do have the opportunity to interact and he just looks at me so sweetly, but there is always a perplexed nature that colors his "oh so sweet: expressions.  i like that maybe i've confused him, or that i make him a little nervous. he just makes my days a little more interesting ;)

and i seem to find myself increasingly drawn to "J." he is seriously one of the nicest people i have ever met of the male variety...i am not sure what to make of him, but i highly enjoy being in his presence.

other than that, i am also highly enjoying the gloom and cool of june.  it is romancing me in such a glorious way.  in spite of nerves running high, i find having the window open, or being outdoors seriously calms my soul.
and michael buble seems to be the perfectly fitting  running theme music for june thus far. if i ever have my dream wedding...which will consist of about eight to ten people (and that includes me and that dude i will call my husband) we will dance to this song (if he's okay with it.) outdoors under the soft moonlight!

catching the prayer wave...part 2

a year ago almost to the day, i caught my first prayer wave.  i remember that evening vividly even though it could be noted that nothing too remarkable happened.  but in all reality, something remarkable did happen in my heart. to refresh my memory i read my blog post from last year's prayer wave.  God moves in mysterious, creative, calm, vibrant, still, and loud ways.  I really cannot do justice in describing anything the Lord does, but He always impresses, surprises, delights, and touches me in deep meaningful ways, that again I can usually never adequately put into words.

i walked around my neighborhood in a spirit of contemplation and prayer, trying to be open, and let God stir my thoughts to where, who, what, He wanted me to pray for.  this time around i experienced this overwhelming feeling of sadness and loss.  i can't even quite touch, even now, what the feelings were all about.  i felt distant.  there were about twenty-three different things on my mind.  but towards the end of my walk i came to the same conclusion i did last year.  people are hurting and people are lost.  more than anything people need love.

In John 13, Jesus says, "a new commandment i give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."

This is a really simple and explicit command.  love. love is how the world will know followers of Jesus.  I think on this and I conclude that everything is really simple. but then i wonder how do we, how can we, show others they are loved?  what does love look like in real life? we celebrate, commemorate, reflect on the ultimate demonstration in love this weekend.  the ultimate demonstration of love was the sacrifice of a precious extraordinary life.   i've experienced the ultimate love. now then how do i live love? how do i even begin to demonstrate the ultimate love to others?

monday muse.

Today, and the rest of this week is my spring break.
Unfortunately, I did not realize this was happening until last week, so I failed to make any extraordinary plans.  However, just the beauty of a week free from school,and mainly free of studying and other school related responsibilities is just so, so, so very nice.  A lot of build up for a mediocre word, but really the freedom is just so nice.  I still have work of course, but I don't have to bring any of that home with me.

I am just longing to spend time, real time, quality time with friends, I want to read, read, and oh yeah, read some more.  I want to watch some movies I have been wanting to see for awhile, and I want to finally get that pedicure...and maybe a haircut, and maybe some extra sleep (oh i feel so greedy).  I want to take long walks with no time limit.  How life seems so romantic when not under pressure with deadlines.  I love my education, I do.  I love what I am pursuing.  But for now, the freedom is nice.
And I am so, so, thankful for all of it :)
So for some fun stuff...
Music for Monday:


And let's watch this Movie and finish this Book, and really hoping it doesn't rain again, so a late afternoon walk is possible.

Oh, I am feeling so selfish, but the freedom it's just so nice :)

happier things.

a day has to be about more than work and studying...

enjoyment...

wanting to see this movie...


can't wait to hear their new album...


enjoying reading this book...


loving this view out my window and some momentary sunshine...

dreams becoming reality.

i love the peace that this image evokes. sailboats lazily floating across the bay on a sunny new year's day.

makes me reflective...

this month marks the two year anniversary of this blog. kind of strange. i am not entirely sure why i have kept up with this somewhat faithfully.

it is nice to have a place to unleash thoughts and to ruminate ideas. following this theme of marrying dreams and reality over the past two years has remained appealing to me. it really fuels what i do and how i go about my life. though i do have to admit this merging did not, does not and will not look exactly how i thought or hoped it would.

but that's ok. i've learned that a lot of life isn't always what we hope for.

i can say with some resolute that i am living my dreams. in some shape or fashion they have married themselves with my present reality. i believe in large part that is more a result of God working on my behalf, even when i am not actively seeking His help.

He has shown me time and time again that He is here, always alongside me, within me, moving, working things together in ways i could have never imagined.

now a few days into a new year, i still have that pensive feeling that usually accompanies the end of the year. perhaps the new year will feel more in full swing when i go back to school next week.

it seems as though this year has a lot in store. a lot of what's on my plate is going to require a lot of boldness on my part. i have the feeling i am going to be stretched and challenged more than i ever have been in my entire life. this excites and terrifies me in the same vein. furthermore i anticipate following this path of dreams and reality merging at a much faster pace than the last two years have passed...

my challenge for myself this week is to make a list. lists are wonderful. they really relieve anxiety and offer such grand direction for time periods as short as a day, or as long as five years. back around my bday last year i made a list of thirty things i want to do before i am thirty, and for this year i'd like to make a list of ten things i'd like to do in 2010.

i want to give it some more thought before i post it here. there is something about putting things on this blog really holds me accountable to actually doing something about it.

so as we usher in this new year, let us be bold in our ambitions, big in our dreams, strong in our hopes, and creative with our to-do's!

christmas.

so humbly thankful for the gift of Jesus' life on earth, the model of it, the wonder of it, the love in it, the forgiveness and grace it brings to us all. love christmas for its great reminder and space to focus in on such gracious gifts.

inside of a december dream...

while i sit in the inbetween, living inside this winter dream, on a december day, i know you aren't far away.

thank you for saying hello.
thank you for hugging me.
thank you for helping me.
thank you for wanting me.
thank you for including me.
thank you for seeing me.
thank you for listening.
thank you for noticing.
thank you for believing.
thank you for thinking of me.
thank you for honesty.
thank you for believing in me.
thank you for hoping with me.
thank you for lauging.
thank you for singing.
thank you for loving.
thank you for being.
thank you for choosing me.
thank you for dreaming.
thank you.

Practicing His Presence...

God has delighted my soul today. It is a lovely morning! Thinking of all the beauty I've encounted this week, takes me back to our morning in Julian last weekend.

This is the soul encouragement for the day, a few more words from Brother Lawrence!

That we ought not to be weary of doing little things for the love of God, who regards not the greatness of the work, but the love with which it is performed. That we should not wonder if, in the beginning, we often failed in our endeavors, but that at last we should gain a habit, which willnaturally produce its acts in us, without care, and to our exceeding great delight.