loving simple things.

i much too much enjoy the quiet of life.  i enjoy traversing my inner world and living in a special intimacy and calm on a daily basis.  i love the opportunity to imagine and the ability that creativity brings to my mind and heart.  every time i think of my life as a whole, the future that lays out in front of me, the present i am in, i think of one word that i long for, one thing that i crave. simplicity.  i like simple things.  i like folding laundry,  packing a suitcase, lying on my bed and staring out the window getting lost in my thoughts and dreams.  when heavy things are happening, i like that a lightness in life can still exist.  i like opening the screen door and feeling the sun warm my skin inch by inch, and letting the late afternoon breeze fill my insides with its calm. i like stopping on walks to smell the flowers and admire God's creativity that so inspires me. simplicity...it's truly wonderful.

sigh no more.

lately at church the pastor has been focusing on this series sort of about our sighs.  what do you sigh about? sometimes i feel like life can just be one big sigh.  the word sigh can act as a noun or a verb. the noun sigh refers to a long, deep, sometimes audible exhalation expressing sadness, relief, tiredness, or something akin to these things.  the verb sigh refers to emitting a long deep audible breath expressing those same feelings stated above.  as always, as i feel a lot, it is easy to become entrenched in reasons to sigh.  yet, i never seem to get stuck there too long, because there is always hope, and a rope to grab to pull me out. i think, i pray that happens for all of us. i heard a wonderful testimony of a woman who overcame severe drug addictions that were insanely deep.  she heard God's voice when she was living in a storm drain calling her out of it. it was truly amazing.  but in the same vein i've watched a friend walk down that tortured path and die because of it. sigh.it's so hard to understand why things happen the way they do, and how God is working in the midst of it. i always go back to this truth found in Isaiah.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways, my ways, says the Lord. for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways than your ways, and my thoughts, higher than your thoughts.

i think there is something so profound about this. sometimes it is hard to comprehend truth in the heart. we relegate it to the dusty corner of our mind, never letting it penetrate to the heart. i know that He is so much better than anything else. and yet my heart often wanders off away from what my head knows. i vacillate between His ways and my own...and that is when the sighs creep in. and of course the sighs are usually rooted in lies, and than the sin enters into the picture. ugh, what a vicious cycle it becomes. i know i cannot overcome the sighs, the lies, and the sin on my own. but with Him, who is able to do beyond anything I can imagine or comprehend, I too can be changed. because He loves me enough to change me. woah! for real? just letting that sink in a little bit literally blows my mind.

as i think about sighs, these lyrics keep floating around in my head, and really they are kind of an awesome reminder that fits. ~love will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free, be more like the man you were meant to be, there is a design, an alignment, a cry, of my heart to see, the beauty of love as it was made to be.~

dreaming.

this whole blog has been centered on the idea of dreams.  dreaming is somewhat akin to sustenance in my book.  i need a dream to keep my life in forward motion.  we fill our days with to do lists, we read the news headlines with worry and alarm, we consider the state of our jobs, our families, and relationships, and sometimes i wonder how we keep it all together and keep pressing on.  but we do, for the most part.  sometimes we aid our forward motion with unhealthy things basically meant to keep us from offing ourselves. but there will come an end to that as well.  we have dreams that can sustain us for a moment...but we need dreams to sustain us through a lifetime and to wake us up with joy in the morning and carry us calmly into the evening.  my personal dreams are small and simple.  i never wanted much, and what i dream of, on the outside, seems easily attainable.  some days though it seems as if those dreams just aren't meant to be. in spite of that, the hope they offer me never leaves, and i know that is because of the BIG dream that they are rooted in.  The dream of eternity with LOVE.

floating.

lately, i've just been...sigh...floating along with life, in life, maybe just outside of life.  let me first clarify, i am not depressed, nor am i sad, nor am i really confused.  maybe i'm a little tired, maybe even a little bored, but truthfully i can't exactly place just what it is i am feeling.  i'm longing for a change of scenery, however, it is not because i don't like the scene i am currently living in.  i feel like i am staring at a bright sunshine with no reason to complain, and yet here i sit...feeling a bit...lost. maybe? i don't know. it's such a strange feeling, place in life, i've never really encountered before.  frankly i do not know how to pick up and move on from it.  i can't seem to brush it under the rug, the way in which i can with sadness and despair.  it is not bad, nor is it good.  i sense it is something God is behind.  He is using these feelings, this floating time, to stir something in me, to open a new door, to lead me somewhere different. when i consider this, i become very afraid and anxious that somehow i will miss it.  maybe i've been too lazy or too afraid to notice it. maybe i'm allowing too much noise or busyness in my life that i will not be attentive to His voice. but then again, He has a pretty good record of drawing me out of my messes, my sadness, my confusion, and leading me to a path anew, without any help from me.
i can't help it...this song makes me feel calm and hopeful, strangely enough...floating in the forth...

Sunday Thoughts

“I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.” ~Anne Lamott

An extra hour of daylight and a soft cool evening breeze (such grace) thank you Lord.  I breathe it all in...I am so unworthy.

God is not glorified in what we have.  I don't think he cares much for all the stuff we gather up and hold so dearly over the course of our days.  Rather I think God is glorified in who we are, and by how we act.  Our ability to act is a result of His grace.  Act in love in whatever you do.

truth.

today i am in love with California.  i am in love with sleeping with the windows open. i am in love with taking walks under the early morning sun, and i am falling in love with writing again.  the difficulty in writing for me is that the desire to do so doesn't always last for a long time, or doesn't come or stay with any sort of fervency. but today it exists and it's taking me to beautiful places in my soul and in this world.


what i finally figured out: there is no cosmic importance in whether i write or not. there is no great matter in me ever being a published writer. i write simply to uncover me, discover the world in a new and different way, and to communicate things i could never communicate orally to any person in particular.


writing is therapeutic.  writing is wondrous.  i am a writer. i want to be comfortable enough in my own skin, to say that last statement, to write it, without cringing.  who is comfortable enough in their own skin to admit that they are what they want to be...what they dream to be...who they truly are.  why is it so hard?  why does it seem to be such a treacherous battle with ones own self to finally find some semblance of comfort in their own skin.


the beginning of becoming a true writer, the beginning of becoming my true self, to finding comfort in my own skin, is to tell the truth.  where is truth? what is truth?


i'm a writer.
i'm a writer.
i'm a writer.

music joy. part two.

sounds like hallelujah.
I’m just waiting on the sun 
To close his eyes and call the night
So we can put all our differences aside

I’m just waiting on the moon 
With all the stars and all it’s gloom
We can watch it fall right back into place

So I won’t keep myself around
Just to keep you warm

Momma don’t put no gun in my hand
I don’t wanna end up like these men
Momma don’t put no gun in my hand
I don’t wanna end up like these men

I’m not walking away
I’m just hearing what you’re saying 
For the first time
Sounds like hallelujah for the first time
For the first time
Sounds like hallelujah for the first time

And I’ll miss you someday
I’ll miss you someday
I’ll miss you someday
I’ll miss you someday
I’ll miss you someday
I’ll miss you 

I’m not walking away
I’m just hearing what you’re saying 
For the first time
Sounds like hallelujah for the first time
For the first time
I’m singing hallelujah for the first time