on a happiness brought about by gratitude

sometimes life gets hard.  when it does i tend to think back on each difficult season in the past decade or so and how quickly those ever so familiar, but long repressed pains begin to haunt me with aching clarity.  the bad brings reminder of the bad.  it seems to be the easiest and quickest thing for it to do.  almost as easy as it is to forget those moments when things are good and feel right.  i know i'll see those times again, i do...but for now i am living in a season of doubt and the heavy weight of a well-known oppression seems to be my current reality.  and so i am searching for anything and everything that offers a moment of joy, a reminder of grace, a feeling that is worthy of being captured by putting pen to page or creating a collection of images.  and when i come across it, you can be sure i am taking note.  it becomes my supply, my cherished gift that i treasure as i find my way back to what was or what is to be, and what i am to become.

this is my happiness//my thankful list for september:

-short commutes

-friendly starbucks baristas that encourage adventure in a cup of coffee

-unexpected laughs

-learning how to do something and getting it the first time

-parents that want to be partners in their child's education

-literature

-shorter days with hints of fall

-puppy excitement upon arriving home

-friends that text you just because

-ryan adams covering taylor swift

-commonalities

-new television seasons

-how Jesus calling is always spot on

-mindy kaling because she always gets it

-new running shoes

-pumpkin

-respect

-hebrews 10:23-25

-walking the aisles of barnes & noble

-having a mom who still listens to her daughter's every groan and complaint, who always answers her phone calls and who prays for her fervently

-declaring balance as more important than being perfect
-finding healing in unexpected conversations
-learning to step off the line of emotions
-accomplishing tasks
-rereading good books

-air conditioned environments
-planning for sweater weather

if nothing else, these words comfort in the thick of despair

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in
And demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream 'til I die
And the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
And in the fine print
They tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those who don't see it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in
And demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die
And the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in
And demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream 'til I die
And the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
And I'm frightened by those who don't see it

on giving up

 "Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."

~Thomas Edison

give up or keep going?

everything happening in life lately leaves me with one desire.  to give up.  to choose a different path.  this one isn't working.  it doesn't look how i thought it would, and deeper than that, i am uncovering this wrenching ache of alone that seems to be slowly permeating every fiber of my being.  every day lately is tear filled.  i am searching and reaching for something.  but it feels like grasping at nothing.  i am praying for something, someone to tells me that it's okay, it will get better, and that it's more than these present moments.  

and i know that it is.  i trust that it will be.  and yet, i can't shake this weight.  it's heavy and consuming.  i used to be better at escaping and finding the light again.  but here i am, stuck.

at every turn, i just want to give up.  

and i've come close.  

but then i remember...giving up is the old me. giving up was characteristic of a girl who was okay with staying in a dark abyss all by her lonesome.  giving up is testament to a weaker version of me.  giving up was for the fear filled girl with little sense of worth.  

i am not her anymore.  right?

right.
i am not her anymore!

because i am redeemed.
because His grace and forgiveness are real.
because His love is tangible.

i am not alone.
this is a truth i know, but is it a truth i believe?

 Lord, help me to see it...to believe in the truth that i am not alone.

i believe He is calling me to press on in what i am doing, even if it seems to go against everything else inside of me that says, it would be okay to give up.  

but in all reality i know that giving up would be not only the easy way out, but the weaker way out.  it would lead to deeper and greater pain, i am sure.  and yet it still remains my utmost desire.

sticking with it means getting gritty. and my oh my, do i need grit.  it means persevering and being bold and doing what is uncomfortable and so far out of my natural element.  but i suppose all of that can be overcome.  i believe it can.  

and in the end, i will.  i will keep going.  what choice do i really have?  and less than a year from now, i may look back and say, i am so glad i stuck with it.  that's the hope.  that is the prayer.

i will keep going.
i will get gritty.
i will keep getting out of bed in the morning and keep walking out the door every day.
i will keep breathing
and believing 
and grasping tightly to the hope that He who promised is faithful
and trusting that the perseverance will bloom into strength and courage.

i am not alone.  
i will keep going.

grace | its many workings

today was one of those sundays when you get up and go to church and you kind of don't want to.  like bed is just more inviting. like it is too hot and humid out.  like you just feel like today isn't the day.  but something nudges you out of bed anyway and you get up and get dressed and head out almost as if forced but not attentive enough to the nudgings to really explain why.

so in spite of the hesitations and the inclination to be anywhere but, i made it to church with an iced coffee in hand no less, because yes, it really is that hot and humid...and i felt i needed the extra push.  then i sat in my usual area in my usual seat around the usual people and i wait.  the worship team ushers us in with a song to turn our hearts to the Lord, but i am still elsewhere.  i am thinking about my friend who isn't here, i am thinking about the emails and texts i need to send, i am wondering about the gentleman sitting alone to my right, i am thinking about the coffee shop i work in after the service, i am distracted by the baby sitting two rows in front of me and i smile as i watch dad bounce him along to the worship and mom looks on with the most admiring and proud smile.  i feel a pang.  oh what was that pang...longing? shame? worry?  i push it down and i fix my eyes on the screen that displays the words we are singing to God.  your praise will ever be on our lips...i think about those words and i feel it, the shame creeps in again.  but i do my best to push it down.  i look down and stare at my shoes as i already feel the hot tears welling up beneath the surface.  i quickly blink them away.  i look to the section to the left and i see a lady i know with her arms outstretched to the heavens praising her Lord and i smile.  i try to think about what we are singing and why.  but i feel lost in the cacophony of voices around me.  i sit down and place my hands in my lap and focus on my breathing.  in and out.  in and out.  and soon the tears begin to fall and i don't know why.  this is all too common when i walk through these doors in such a state.  i know i am where i am supposed to be.
so i stand up and join in the last verse.

we sit down and prayer is had and announcements are given and the guest speaker is introduced.

i shuffle in my seat. am i irritated?  i think i don't like church when one of our own pastors isn't speaking.  i sigh in dismay.  why does it matter?  i don't know, maybe because this man doesn't know us, he doesn't get us, he won't know what to say.

then this man preaches.

and he can preach.

like God speaks through this man.

and sometimes when you've been around church as long as i have sometimes you get to thinking that you've heard it all.  but i am humbly reminded again and again no matter how much i 'hear' the same truths over and over they take on a new shape, a different resonance, almost a new scope of meaning each time.

and today was like that.

on a day in which i feel shame bearing down on me, when i feel overwhelmed by guilt, by everything i lack, by everything i am not, by everything i think i should be...grace is spoken over me.

and grace is one of those words that can so easily lose its meaning.  it becomes a redundant idea that no longer holds power.

but grace was taught and spoken and pierced me in new ways.
it was and is grace that covered my shame, guilt, and the 'everythings' that torture me.

only grace relies on the power of the cross and the resurrection.

only grace teaches me that God most wants my trust.

only grace can convince me that i am righteous and holy

only grace can tell me that i don't want to get away with anything

only grace can take away self-condemnation 

only grace depends on the Spirit in me

only grace can take away my fear

only grace says don't hide

only grace allows me to obey from the heart and not just comply

only grace reveals the Jesus I can rest my very being upon

let His grace remind you and convince you that you are loved by a great God

let His grace create an environment of grace in your life

let His grace inform you the truth of the really really good news

the act of alone.

sometimes it is hard to do life alone.

a friend recently asked me if it was my intention to stay single through my thirties.  i immediately responded, "i don't know." i wasn't even taken aback by the question, because it was different then i was used to.  it wasn't "who have you been dating lately?" or "why do you think you aren't married?" it was simply, what are your plans in doing life...alone or with someone? 

and the truth is, it has become an odd conundrum since turning thirty.  dating is suddenly different.  it doesn't seem like it is just for fun anymore.  it doesn't seem like it is for the joy of getting to know someone for an evening and not worrying about what happens next.

instead there is a pressure, a clock, if you will.  and no, not the biological one...though i'd be lying if i said i don't fret about that one from time to time.  it is a pressure of...how many "not working out" can one woman endure before she becomes hardened, or gives up, or worst yet...settles.

it's probably the thought of settling that gives me the most comfort in doing life on my own.  i feel pretty awful when i consider the one or two men i let hang around when i knew full well, that us sticking together would mean in my mind and heart i was settling.  and i am so thankful that no guy has settled for me.  and i know for certain if one had stuck around, we'd both know his heart would have been restless with me.  and as painful as that was, i can now, with years of healing, be more than okay that he didn't, that i didn't, that we didn't. 

the truth is, i told my friend, is that my intentions are to simply keep my eyes open for a "good" guy and in the meantime work towards becoming a better woman.  she then inevitably inquired as to what constitutes a "good" guy.  and you know what, good has changed meaning for me over the years.  and while good seems like such a generic adjective, in my mind, it is the best one out there, because good can encompass so much.  good is more than kind, sturdy and reliable.  it moves beyond the essence of patient and loving.  it is more rounded than that.  it is thick with forgiveness and it sees with eyes that are not tuned to the world's truths and estimations of beauty, but rather the wisdom of the Word and the love that stems from knowing through and through that he too is beloved. 

i used to say, he should be tall and nice and of course love Jesus.  all of which is good, but it took understanding good on a deeper level to surmise that all i really mean is i want a good man.  and he may be hard to find, or maybe it's me that is living a life hidden away, but this act of alone is alright by me.  it is not necessarily my desire to live this act out for the next nine years, but it serves its purposes for now. 

marriage, dating, singleness, divorce, death, loneliness and alone all hold their own difficulties that we all, wherever we find ourselves, have to learn to navigate with grace and fortitude.  and so far, i think i've done alright.

i don't know if i'll ever get married, and frankly i have to accept that.  my older friends, with much more life experience and wisdom under their belts give me a chuckle when i say such things as they see me as much too young to draw such conclusions about my life and future.  they see me with a handful of opportunities and much, much time to figure and find all of these elusive things that our culture says is the embodiment of a happy life.

and you know what, i think they're right.

so i am trying not to come to those conclusions so easily anymore.  i am trying to address the questions and inquires (of a mostly caring group of humans who are so in want of knowing how a woman of 31 face a life on her own) with kindness, honesty and tact.  i don't want to be a woman who groans, or whines, or wonders along with the pact why it is and why i am. 

God has blessed me with the strength and ability to shine brightly in His world, showing me that anything is possible when I have faith, and that all things contain their own wonder and joy.  ultimately i guess it is the hope and knowing that my supply and sustenance, no matter where i am at, comes from Him.

thoughts//tunes

live in defiance of mediocre expectations.

 

fears remind us that we're real.  everyone is afraid.  look into stranger's eyes and see, we all share the same humanity.

yes. yes. yes.

/////////////////////////////////////////////

 these tunes are stirring my soul.

on summer//this is happiness

summer is good to me.

i love the long, free, no demand days that lie spread out with no seeming end.

sometimes i just sit here, with so much to think about and relishing the space that summer affords me to do just that.

to think. 

to have space...for my mind and heart and soul to breathe.  

open space.

i see things in ways i cannot when i have day to day distractions and demands that busy me 

summer teaches me things.  

it offers me the grace of rest. 

time lets me fuel obsessions that otherwise may seem futile...

ed sheeran tunes non-stop

when calls the heart episodes on repeat

afternoon naps with the pup

writing, writing, writing, whenever i want, grabbing a pen, opening up to a clean page & writing

getting up early to run

swimming in the late mornings

outdoor plays

$8 movies

mixing it up with salads and more salads. salads of all kinds.

homemade iced coffee in a mason jar

reading good books

freely choosing what i read

reading outside my comfort zone

reading guilty pleasures

uncovering new reading rhthyms

really summer is mostly a love affair with books

and it is good. really good.