on giving up

 "Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."

~Thomas Edison

give up or keep going?

everything happening in life lately leaves me with one desire.  to give up.  to choose a different path.  this one isn't working.  it doesn't look how i thought it would, and deeper than that, i am uncovering this wrenching ache of alone that seems to be slowly permeating every fiber of my being.  every day lately is tear filled.  i am searching and reaching for something.  but it feels like grasping at nothing.  i am praying for something, someone to tells me that it's okay, it will get better, and that it's more than these present moments.  

and i know that it is.  i trust that it will be.  and yet, i can't shake this weight.  it's heavy and consuming.  i used to be better at escaping and finding the light again.  but here i am, stuck.

at every turn, i just want to give up.  

and i've come close.  

but then i remember...giving up is the old me. giving up was characteristic of a girl who was okay with staying in a dark abyss all by her lonesome.  giving up is testament to a weaker version of me.  giving up was for the fear filled girl with little sense of worth.  

i am not her anymore.  right?

right.
i am not her anymore!

because i am redeemed.
because His grace and forgiveness are real.
because His love is tangible.

i am not alone.
this is a truth i know, but is it a truth i believe?

 Lord, help me to see it...to believe in the truth that i am not alone.

i believe He is calling me to press on in what i am doing, even if it seems to go against everything else inside of me that says, it would be okay to give up.  

but in all reality i know that giving up would be not only the easy way out, but the weaker way out.  it would lead to deeper and greater pain, i am sure.  and yet it still remains my utmost desire.

sticking with it means getting gritty. and my oh my, do i need grit.  it means persevering and being bold and doing what is uncomfortable and so far out of my natural element.  but i suppose all of that can be overcome.  i believe it can.  

and in the end, i will.  i will keep going.  what choice do i really have?  and less than a year from now, i may look back and say, i am so glad i stuck with it.  that's the hope.  that is the prayer.

i will keep going.
i will get gritty.
i will keep getting out of bed in the morning and keep walking out the door every day.
i will keep breathing
and believing 
and grasping tightly to the hope that He who promised is faithful
and trusting that the perseverance will bloom into strength and courage.

i am not alone.  
i will keep going.