a white blank page.

"lead me to the truth and i will follow you with my whole life. oh lead me to the truth and i will follow you with my whole life." ~mumford and sons

"afoot and light-hearted i take to the open road, healthy, free, the world before me. the long brown path before me, leading wherever i choose." ~walt whitman

the first day of december. day 1. a clean slate. the christmas season is upon us. thirty one days until the new year. love fills the air. lights brighten the dark of night. i don't want to miss it. i don't want to miss the joy this season offers us so graciously. the time to slow down and reflect. i want to savor everything this month holds. fully recognizing life doesn't always look how we want it. the things we so desperately long for do not always come to us easily, or ever. but i don't want to miss what is good, and what is purposeful right now.

Lord Jesus, help me to see, my life, my family, friends, the world and people all around me, with your eyes...your loving, compassionate, forgiving eyes. forgive me Lord Jesus. forgive me for being utterly self focused, and in my selfishness only seeing misery, completely missing where there can be beauty. and You offer so much beauty. you are endless goodness. open my eyes! open my eyes that they may behold your goodness in all circumstances.

work conversations.

"what's the oldest you'd be willing to date?
"43."
"that's a really specific number."
"that's how old donnie wahlberg is."
blank stare
"i'd date donnie wahlberg."
"oh. you should write him a letter and tell him that."

pondering gratitude.

Gratitude is like a river that is ever flowing...

Gratitude keeps our attention on God's goodness to us. It makes sure we never forget that we are loved. When we neglect it, we start focusing on ourselves, on our own achievements, on our own desires – but none of those things can satisfy this fundamental need of our soul.

November does it to all of us I suppose. We think about what we're thankful for. It's easy to be thankful when you're standing atop the Empire State Building on Memorial Day at Midnight. It's easy to be grateful when you get to see your favorite musician play before your very own eyes.

But it shouldn't be harder to feel grateful when your long term and short term future for that matter seem so unclear. It shouldn't be hard to feel grateful when you're still living in your parents home trying to figure out your life and make ends meet. The same amount of gratitude should exist under all circumstances. For their is life in my lungs and hope in my heart, even still.

I'm thankful for all moments. Each one of them have something to teach, wonder to offer, hope to stir, joy to complete, and pain to heal.

I'm thankful for the time to think, to ponder the unknown path ahead, to take joy in the wonderful people I've yet to meet, to learn endurance and hope can sustain through the darkest valleys...simply thankful.

my list of gratitude:

a list of learning.

autumn skies inspire me.

i like my hair long.

just because everyone else is doing it, doesn't mean that i have to, too.

sometimes i cry, and i don't have to know why.

rain seems loveliest in october.

i really don't hate my brother.

i will never stop loving owls.

i am only beginning to understand prayer.

my image of God as a scorekeeper is not correct.

my circumstances are not indicative of God's character.

i like caramel under certain circumstances.

i am still painfully shy at times.

katy perry actually looks good with pink hair.

i think i really want puppies and babies.

debt isn't so frightening anymore.

God is bigger than money.

politics are suddenly interesting again.

wearing glasses makes me feel smarter.

ryan gosling is a really good actor.

friday night lights is probably the best show i never really watched.

my new/current mantra: (stolen from George Eliot) "it's never too late to be who you might have been."

bon iver, bon iver.

holy moly! i freaking love bon iver. seeing this amazing concoction of musical talent live has blown my mind to pieces. seriously it's everywhere. i am so in love with mr. vernon's voice and beard. i am so enamored with the melodies, the lyrics, and the raw emotion in the presentation of it all. the emotional depth, story telling nature, and honesty in the lyrics just make my heart melt like ice cream on a hot day. i listen to wolves act I and II and i cry like a baby. i am just so moved by it all. "what might have been lost, what might have been lost...someday my pain will mark you."

image from mojo: they say-bon iver music is cathartic and strangely heart-warming.

dead ends.

i am so inspired by today's message at church. i seriously sit in my seat, whether i am alone, or with friends, or meeting new people, and am so grateful and thankful God has placed me at the church He has. His fingerprints are all over my being there. there is something about journey that so connects to who i am, and everything it seems that church should be. and really that stems from the heart of the pastor, who God speaks through, i have no doubts. not a single doubt. today God spoke, and i sat in awe and wonder as i listened and watched it happen.

dead ends. we all hit them. sometimes when we have wandered astray, and other times, when we have remained on the straight and narrow. but they do come. and what is our/my response? grumble and complain, whine and stomp feet, cry and hide under the covers, shut people out, give up, become bitter. um yeah, all of the above in some fashion or another. but what could be our/my response? prepare to be used by God. this idea aligns itself with the "something better" principle that has been guiding my life as of late. God has something better in store. every time i hit a dead end it seems this is the quiet reminder that keeps creeping up. and still i sit here today, asking God, where is it? where's the something better?

refuse to presume. wait, inquire, and listen. God is speaking. God will speak. God has spoken. notice in the story in Acts 16, paul and timothy are on a journey full of dead ends, but notice their response: an utter lack of blaming and despairing. often times the first one we blame when we hit a dead end is ourselves. of course its my fault. i can point to something i did, that certainly deserves the consequence of this dead end.

we have to learn to be led. we need to be open to God speaking to us in different ways. it's amazing how God spoke in the book of acts alone...through tongues of fire, Jesus as a blinding light in the sky, visions, dreams, perceiving, angels intervening, groups wrestling together, the Holy Spirit!

the decision needs to be made...my life is about purpose not pleasure, cause not comfort, the Kingdom of God, not the kingdom of me. i must learn to decouple my circumstance from God's love. circumstances/things are not indicative of God's love.

in the waiting...remember something better is coming...don't get bitter.

new beginnings.

Autumn is in the air. an autumn in new york or an autumn in southern california, it is a beautiful thing. I smell fireplaces in the cool of the evening, and see the leaves beginning to fall from their trees. I feel the draw of soft acoustic music, and the taste of pumpkin in my coffee cup. This year doesn't look how I thought it would in so many ways. Things keep slipping through my fingers. Everything seems so outside my control, and I am so unsure of where to pick up and go next. Grace abounds in ways I can never understand, and for that I am humbled and thankful.
I am trying to do what I am doing now with joy. But I am tangled up in those words said so recklessly that cut so deeply, leaving a sting that won't soften. My heart is worn and torn, and I wish I could overcome it in a snap of the fingers, but it is not that easy. And truthfully, the things I want are so simple. I'm not asking for much. But I am continually spinning in this whirl of thoughts and emotions that come and go, that keep me sane, and make me crazy. Oh the contradiction that I consistently am.
The days keep spinning me around, but the hope of autumn on the horizon calms me down. I find myself drawn in yet again. Alongside You is where I want to be. Wherever You are, is where I long to find myself. And that is enough. More than enough.