dead ends.

i am so inspired by today's message at church. i seriously sit in my seat, whether i am alone, or with friends, or meeting new people, and am so grateful and thankful God has placed me at the church He has. His fingerprints are all over my being there. there is something about journey that so connects to who i am, and everything it seems that church should be. and really that stems from the heart of the pastor, who God speaks through, i have no doubts. not a single doubt. today God spoke, and i sat in awe and wonder as i listened and watched it happen.

dead ends. we all hit them. sometimes when we have wandered astray, and other times, when we have remained on the straight and narrow. but they do come. and what is our/my response? grumble and complain, whine and stomp feet, cry and hide under the covers, shut people out, give up, become bitter. um yeah, all of the above in some fashion or another. but what could be our/my response? prepare to be used by God. this idea aligns itself with the "something better" principle that has been guiding my life as of late. God has something better in store. every time i hit a dead end it seems this is the quiet reminder that keeps creeping up. and still i sit here today, asking God, where is it? where's the something better?

refuse to presume. wait, inquire, and listen. God is speaking. God will speak. God has spoken. notice in the story in Acts 16, paul and timothy are on a journey full of dead ends, but notice their response: an utter lack of blaming and despairing. often times the first one we blame when we hit a dead end is ourselves. of course its my fault. i can point to something i did, that certainly deserves the consequence of this dead end.

we have to learn to be led. we need to be open to God speaking to us in different ways. it's amazing how God spoke in the book of acts alone...through tongues of fire, Jesus as a blinding light in the sky, visions, dreams, perceiving, angels intervening, groups wrestling together, the Holy Spirit!

the decision needs to be made...my life is about purpose not pleasure, cause not comfort, the Kingdom of God, not the kingdom of me. i must learn to decouple my circumstance from God's love. circumstances/things are not indicative of God's love.

in the waiting...remember something better is coming...don't get bitter.

new beginnings.

Autumn is in the air. an autumn in new york or an autumn in southern california, it is a beautiful thing. I smell fireplaces in the cool of the evening, and see the leaves beginning to fall from their trees. I feel the draw of soft acoustic music, and the taste of pumpkin in my coffee cup. This year doesn't look how I thought it would in so many ways. Things keep slipping through my fingers. Everything seems so outside my control, and I am so unsure of where to pick up and go next. Grace abounds in ways I can never understand, and for that I am humbled and thankful.
I am trying to do what I am doing now with joy. But I am tangled up in those words said so recklessly that cut so deeply, leaving a sting that won't soften. My heart is worn and torn, and I wish I could overcome it in a snap of the fingers, but it is not that easy. And truthfully, the things I want are so simple. I'm not asking for much. But I am continually spinning in this whirl of thoughts and emotions that come and go, that keep me sane, and make me crazy. Oh the contradiction that I consistently am.
The days keep spinning me around, but the hope of autumn on the horizon calms me down. I find myself drawn in yet again. Alongside You is where I want to be. Wherever You are, is where I long to find myself. And that is enough. More than enough.

Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places. Post #1

I forgot how hefty this material was. It truly is a book that needs to be tackled little by little to truly draw any meaningful insight from it. I found myself underlining much more than I had the first time I read it through. That's why I think it is so cool to reinvest in books you have already read, to see what else you can gain from it. Granted I never finished this book the first time around, and it definitely isn't one I can pick up where I left off. :)

The Introduction.

The point of this, and the whole book to come, is for Petersen to ensure the reader understands what exactly spiritual theology is. I don't think I got it the first time around, which is pretty lame, as it seems so straight forward to me now. Spiritual theology is (i like this summation the best, though he offers a few) the attention that we give to keeping what we think about God in organic connection with the way we live with God.

Truthfully, this tends to be a struggle for me, and I believe the Christian community as a whole. We tend to get really dogmatic, and we become knowledge lovers...or we abandon all that dogma and truth, and seek out what makes us feel good. Now it is about bridging the gap. I want to incorporate the truth, the attention we give to knowing God, with the effort to living it out in everyday life. Therefore, I want to live what I know and believe about God.

Oh how different my life would look. I tend to live more with a lack of faith in others and myself. I tend to live more like God is not intimately involved with His creation, regardless if I see it or not. Often times I forget God is emphatically personal, and that God is only and exclusively God in relationship. I think this is a hard one to grasp because our relationships here on earth can falter and fail so much. So I tend to wonder how I can grow and build in this relationship with God. I too often attribute Him with human characteristics that are an insult to a loving and merciful God, so beyond our petty human ways.

Petersen writes, "God is vast and various, working visibly and invisibly. Left to ourselves we often get lost in blind alleys, get tangled up in thickets, and don't have a clue where we are. The map (Trinity Country) locates us: it provides the vocabulary and identifies the experience by which we can explore God when there are no signs pointing to him, when there are no neatly lettered labels defining the odd shape or feeling that is in front of our eyes."

This quote simply reminds me that I often look in the wrong places for that guidance and direction, which is silly, because a map is pretty straight forward. I wouldn't fully trust anything or anyone else more than a map to guide me on a trip, so why would I look elsewhere in my journey with God?

I am really enthusiastic about diving into all of this...and see how it all melds together and how everything relates, as Christ as the key figure behind and in it all.

solitude.

how does one exist inside a couple? i wonder. i've never really ventured this path before, at least in a healthy, giving sort of way. and every time it comes up with any sense of realness, which is rare, i tend to freak out. i am very used to this life of solitude, and frankly, quite like it. but i'm not exactly sure what it is i like about it. i fear it is the comfort that i like. it doesn't involve any risks. there is no real potential for pain. there can be a pain in solitude, but it is a pain i am now well acquainted with, and therefore, i know i can handle it. i am frightened to hurt someone or worse be hurt. i am afraid i won't always feel the same way. how can one trust love and affection to continually grow? though i suppose i've seen that happen in other relationships. i am just so confused about all of it. i want to embrace this idea of love, and offering oneself wholly to another, but how do you know when is the right time...who is the right person? how much of yourself do you offer and how quickly? who sets this measure? i appreciate honesty, but am terrified of it at the same time. i want to be relieved from this pressure and yet i long for it to exist. i don't know what else to say. but i stand here confused and scared, and feeling much like a contradiction. and its not necessarily a bad thing. it's a different sort of thing. i feel willing to embrace something different. i suppose if you're scared and you do it, it may be more worthwhile? or am i just kidding myself?

coolest chick ever (part 1)

i just have to rave about how interesting, cool, and unpretentious i find miranda july to be.

short story writer, movie maker, artistic spirit, super creative, unique heart, clever, and just ridiculously inspiring, i am just completely and utterly impressed and obsessed with her. i crave her creative capacity.

totally going on my must see list!

*after watching this film i regret to say miranda's coolness factor dropped significantly. i found this movie to be the most discouraging and depressing i had seen in awhile. i realize this is a place she comes from often, as i find the same to be true of her books, but something with this movie just sat wrong with me. i can appreciate the questions it asked, but there was no redeeming factor to any of it, no real sense of hope, and i believe these things can and should be found in any situation and circumstance. also as a result of this movie i now have a great disdain for men wearing gold chains.
shudder.
and on my must read list...

you.

last week when i saw you and you said you were glad to see me, i smiled at you because i was glad to see you too. there are words i cannot say, but i feel them, and that makes them real.

i wanted to tell you these things, these things that mean something. but they remain silent, for now.

i love how i feel when i am around you. safe. my heart whispers. safe.

you always speak so kindly to me, aware of my timidness. is it real?

i like when you stand next to me. your presence is so warm and comforting, even without a touch, i feel bound to you somehow, like we are uniquely tied.

i love watching you do what you love. it makes me smile to see you in your element. i love how you excitedly talk about your passions. there is so much joy in your spirit.

when it feels like i am forgotten, you always remind me i am not. without words, but rather with simple gestures, and unthought touch, under which my body softens, and my walls threaten to break down.

i wonder what you are really thinking. do your words speak truth?

i'm glad you're not with her anymore, but it makes me nervous. things feel possible. i've become so scared of the way that i feel. and more terrified to think, these things that hold so much meaning for me, are lost on you.

you.
can i forget you?
when all i do is dream of you?
and i wonder can we so simply be together?
can we walk hand in hand and explore the met together?
can we have leisure sundays in central park?
can we take a late subway home and stumble the remaining blocks clutching onto each other, laughing and breathing in the cool new york air?
could there be a  for always future for us?

speechless.