moment of clarity.

i saw your name light up my cell phone at the bottom of my purse and my heart stopped.

my breath caught in my throat.

i quickly veered away from the crowd and rummaged around the book and the make-up bag, pushing all the other crap that i consistently carry around for no good reason, just to get to it...to you.

on the fourth ring i had answered.  and it was your voice.

my own voice so shaky as i tried to say hello and sound nonchalant.

did i?

you asked me how i was, and i said i was great.  but i didn't ask you.  because somehow i knew.

it didn't matter.  what you think and what i feel are so far from each other, i should have known.  i should have known all along.

you didn't want me.
not really, anyway.

you wanted only a piece.

you wanted to know if we could meet.

but for what? really?  what is it you want from me?

i am willing to give you more than a part.

but you won't take it.  you don't want it.  so why do you keep coming back for a piece?

it was in that moment, i realized.  i am done.  i am done taking your calls when you feel like calling.  i am done with you never taking mine. 

i am done.

i want to give more than a piece of me.  finally.  i really do.  and i don't want just a shadow of you, only a figment of something that is so much more.

i want all of you.

why do i always want, what i can't have?

if i can't have all of you, then i don't want any of you.