on home//finding life that is not in places or things

"writing is both mask and unveiling."//e.b. white

 found here

my own space is important.  i have to have a small part of this world that feels like home. but what is home to me varies.  sometimes it is the literal space i find myself driving to everyday after work.  and though that place may vary and the people i am living with change, a part of home is that roof you live your life under, where you lay your head each night.

however, i am learning that home is more than just that.  they say, "home is wear the heart is,"and i truly believe this familiar quote to be most certainly true.  which therefore means i find my home in so very many places.  a friend of mine jokes that i heart too many things.  and it's true.  whenever we're driving together i definitely overuse the phrase, "i love this song."  but i do, i love many songs!  i find feelings, hope, joy, solace...in many, many songs.

my family and friends, they, of course, have pieces and parts of my heart.  they are the ones i would go to the ends of the earth for.  and as much as i may say i hate the overuse of the word love, there is something to it when i say i love this or that.  i have deep affection and will give great attention to those things i say i love.  i love people, things and places because in part of what they offer me, but also because it is in my nature to love and have affection, and demonstrate an appreciation for that which i say i love.  and what i love is my heart, and where my heart is, there i do find my home.
 
i love audrey hepburn films, live music outdoors, the sound of a violin, the voice of etta james, making lists and checking things off...i love my church, i adore owls, i am enamored with beautiful handbags, a new dress, a british accent, colorful picture frames, mint green...i have great fondness for binge watching gilmore girls, reading judy blume books, tom hiddleston's smile, the humor of mindy kaling, the sound of the pacific ocean, a charming pencil sharpener, all things kate spade...i have a great attachment to the beauty of land, the smell of of suntan lotion and a good taco...and in someway, i find that all of these things/experiences/places, as fleeting or sustaining as they may be they offer a home to me in some way.
 that home is a sense of comfort, inspiration and enjoyment.

my bedroom is basically a place for thousands, yes thousands of books to live.  every single wall is lined with bookshelves, and every single shelf is sagging with books.  in these stories, i find a home.  i make friends with the characters.  i enjoy living in their shoes for awhile.  i laugh with them, i love with them, i cry with them, i hope with them.  books, in and of themselves, their binding and smell, the way they are decorated, the feel of the pages, i find, are a piece of my home.

home is found in nature.  it is found in the glory of God's creation.  it is uncovered through the mountains and the oceans, through a sky full of stars, and the morning light just before the sun has fully risen.  i find when i enter into the vast natural world around me, where trees and grass are in abundance, where wild life can be clearly seen, where flowers bloom, and the skies are vast, here is where i experience God most intimately, here is a taste, i think, of my heavenly home.

home is an a dog, who i believe found me, rather than the other way around.  she came into my life when i needed her most, and she understands the emotional terrain she walks with me in day by day.  she is attentive to the mood and she is who i need her to be.  her affection and appreciation for me makes me want to be the person she thinks i am.  she has my heart, in a way, more than i thought an animal of all things ever could.  perhaps, that is only something one says before they have children...and maybe it makes me crazy, but that's okay, she is my home.

what i've discovered over the past two years though, more than all of these people, places, experiences and things, home is found in words.  words in song, words in conversation, words on a page, the words the meld together out of my own creativity and thinking.  these words, they are my home.  if i am lucky, i will always have words.  putting words to page is so vastly important to me right now.  if i had to pick one thing i could do, spend 40 hours of my week invested in, it would be this: the typing of the keys, the putting pen to page, the filling up my tanks, and then letting out what needs to be said. 

it really doesn't matter to me the amount of readers...the act and art of writing is more about self-care and nurturing my creativity.  it is more about not going insane.  it is definitely not about perfection. 
i would rather be poor in money, but rich in words. 
writing is what i am committing myself to in 2015. 
my efforts thus far have been sporadic at best.  so now, i have a plan.  if home is where words are, then this is where i want to find myself as often as possible.  giving heart and attention to these words that ask and sometimes demand to be written down and spoken. 
if home is a place you find yourself every day for hours on end...
then writing is my true home//my life that is not in place or thing.

a wholehearted reflection//2014

i miss video stores.  i've been thinking about this a lot lately.  i miss the days of walking into a blockbuster, video discount, or hollywood video and renting a movie.  there was so much enjoyment that held for me.  it was always the last stop on a day of errands, or i'd swing in after a late class, or a long shift and i would linger.

i remember the smells vividly, like a mix of burnt popcorn, cardboard and metal.  it was an odd mix of aromas and while not totally pleasant, i found it was soothing in a way.

i would walk down the aisles, perusing movie titles and reading the backs of rental cases that i found particularly intriguing.  i would seek out movies that weren't based on friend's recommendations, or critic's commentaries, but wholly based on simply what my eyes were drawn to.  a man standing under bright moonlight in the middle of a baseball field...a woman's tortured expression amidst darkness and a sinister gentleman standing off in the distance, a man's proud smile gazing towards a pensive child sitting at a desk...it was the images that told me i wanted to know these characters and their stories.  i would often ignore the titles and allow the people and the settings to speak for themselves.

by the time i'd get to the last aisle i would have 6 or 7 dvd's in tow and then be faced with the great task of narrowing down a solid selection to one or two to watch that evening.  once i decided i would return the other titles to their rightful place and hopefully i would come upon them on the next visit.  i never wrote anything down or made lists.  i just wanted my heart to guide the choosing.  and more often than not, i would be pleasantly surprised.  sometimes i watched stories unfold that got completely under my skin.  and those became the stories i would own to watch again and share with others.

i spent years collecting these experiences.  mostly in solitude.  on occasion i would share this with someone, but i found that most people aren't as open in their movie watching experiences.  they have to know someone, or find out what someone else thought, or be guaranteed two hours of jam packed action and thrills to actually fork over the $2 or so dollars to rent something.

but i liked the surprise element.  i liked that this was one aspect of my life i could leave to chance. the consequences were nothing other than a less than thrilling hour or two.

but i think that this is what life needs.  life demands a little more openness to new experiences and a little less judgment based on a solitary perspective.   for me, living a year wholeheartedly meant being open to pursuing things unabashedly, unashamed of the passion that i felt.

last night i fell asleep with the rushing of rain hitting against my window.  i let myself lay in silence (which is rare) but i am finding more and more necessary.  i stayed awake well into my regular sleeping hours and i allowed myself to think on my day, on the stirrings in my heart, and the people down the hall and across town, and in the cities just north of here, and those that are states away.  and i let myself feel the longings for those whom i missed, for the way that relationships change over the passing of years, and the heavy pangs that sometimes press in for those that are now gone.

sometimes these pains, these longings, and even this fullness of heart demands to be felt.  sometimes i may just decide they need to be noticed and given attention.  i cannot and will not let years, months, even days go by without noticing, without giving reverence to what my heart is saying.

i miss riding the f train into manhattan and exploring the magic of the city i so longed for many years to live in and see.  that city and its culture catapults my thoughts into dreams.  it still holds something for me.  i don't know if it is a life or just another visit.  i am trying to listen to my heart on that one and not be hindered by the cliche of such a dream.  it takes sitting with it, sharing it, and praying it to begin to know what to do with it and whether it calls for a wholehearted pursuit.

dating was precarious at best. i was risky and took some chances which only seemed to lead down a path of hurt.  dating as a full-grown adult is quite a slippery road to walk down and at times even a perilous experience, especially when one is trying to do all things wholeheartedly.  what i do know is when i finally meet the man i choose to spend the rest of my life with it will mean so much more for every holiday photo taken alone, it will mean more for all the years when i learned to do things on my own, it will mean more for the life i've learned to maneuver on my own.  for the many times i've thought i am too far gone to allow space and room for another...it will mean so much more.

2014 was a year that required faith and asking big questions about that faith and church.  2014 meant realizing that life requires more than just wholehearted attempts to give my all to everything i did.  2014 was about walking with friends as they entered into motherhood, standing with friends on their wedding day, praying and crying and laughing with friends facing infertility and cancer diagnoses.  2014 was the year i realized that relationships aren't built overnight.  i realized that while community is an authentic God-given desire, cultivating one is almost impossible.  i thought, perhaps in vain, if i just loved and gave of myself wholeheartedly it would be enough, but truly it never was.  that isn't to say it wasn't worthwhile or without its meaning...it just wasn't everything i though it was going to be.  but that is life isn't it?

disappointment is a part of it all.  it always is when we have expectations.

but in spite of that, i enjoyed so much of this year.  life was a mixed bag of experiences and events.  it was the year of new restaurants, great books, reunion concerts, having your tweet favorited by a celebrity, grocery store pick-up lines, puppy dates, discovering the good wife and it becoming an obsession, deciding on a second tattoo, battling worry and fear in a hardcore way, hugging brett eldredge, paying off a student loan, sharing the most vulnerable parts of my heart with some unexpected people and learning to accept the both/and aspects of life and what is gracefully and joyfully.

this was the year i will look back on as truly bittersweet.
as the calendar turns and tomorrow begins a new chapter, i feel not quite ready to shut the door on 2014.  i believe so much of what was learned and experienced this year are necessary to hold onto and carry with me a little closer. it sometimes feels as though i am on the cusp of a great self-revelation.  so i am holding tighter than i usually do.  perhaps what i've learned and experienced will directly impact what 2015 holds. 

and so i await with great anticipation what the turn of the calendar has in store for all of us.

christmas//through the lens of courage

there are certain words and phrases that quickly come to mind when thinking of the christmas season and its story.

hope, joy, love, peace, merry, good will towards men...

all of which are true and beautiful.

though i think we get stuck on those words (i know i do) and fail to realize the many other aspects, words, and phrases that encompass and define this miraculous story.

this year i've been encouraged to see christmas through a new lens. what i often miss or fail to give proper thought and reflection to joseph's side of the story.  and what i found as i read through it was that it really presents Christmas to us through the lens of courage.  

for joseph courage first looked like this: 

But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared

to him in a dream and said “Joseph son of David, do not be

afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived

in her is from the Holy Spirit.  She will give birth to a son, and you

are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people

from their sins.”-Matthew 1:20–21

joseph was not unafraid, but rather walked into the fear with faith.

as the story progresses we watch joseph time and time again pick himself up, take up his family and walk forward with courage, letting God handle the outcomes.  

i think the angel appearing to joseph is often overlooked but is not without its grand importance in the unfolding story of Jesus coming to earth.  the angel stopped joseph from making a decision that could have had severe negative effects.  and it wasn't like the angel forced joseph into action with his magical powers.  joseph made a choice.  a courageous choice.  he was a righteous man, but he showed himself to be much like me and much like you.  he felt fear, but he was a person who chose to trust.  

and what comes in part as a result of joseph's courage is the story that transcends 2,000 years and is still changing lives and impacting hearts to this very day.  

today we celebrate.  and i am thankful for the reason in which we can gather together with friends and families and share gifts with one another.  may it's true reason not be lost in our hearts this day.   

this song has been on repeat for me this christmas season.  this year it reminds me of why the courage that we see in the christmas story is possible for each of us.  and i am thankful that christmas and all that it holds inspires courage.

Only to bring you peace,
Only at Christmas time,
Only the King of Kings,
Only what once was mine,
It takes the end of time,
It takes a long, long time,
Only one thought of mine,
Only at Christmas time.
He brings us peace,
He brings us joy,
He brings all thoughts to destroy,
Only at Christmas time,
To bring us peace,
To bring us joy,
To bring all thoughts to destroy,
Only at Christmas time.
Only at Christmas time,
Only a dream to cry,
Only at Christmas time,
If you can read the sign,
Only at Christmas time,
Everything lost will be found,
Only at Christmas time,
Only at Christmas time

on 30//my currency

"if you are lucky, there is a moment in your life when you have some say as to what your currency is going to be.  i decided early on it wasn't going to be my looks...my currency became what i wrote and said and did."//amy poehler

1) i've learned that writing is hard.  it's much harder than i thought, and definitely not for the reasons i previously thought.  it's hard to be okay with, as anne lamott so eloquently put, "writing shitty first drafts".  creating a novel is one of the most challenging processes, especially when one wants to write without pretension. if anything, this process has taught me to write without over-thinking. i'm trying to write what i remember for exactly what it was, not a romanticized idealization of what was.  i know now that i want to write what is real.  st. augustine said truth is like a lion, not something you need to defend, let it loose and it shall defend itself.  and so, i will be most earnest to write and speak truth. with love.  hopefully, always with love.  beyond that, or perhaps encompassing all of that, i am accepting that writing is really a rather ineffable thing.  steinbeck said we should write to and for our readers.  otherwise, what interest will they have in what we read and say.  but really, right now, i only write for myself. and i continue to be good with that. i will take the encouragements and truths from those writers i admire and i will implement them into my own practice, because that makes me better.

2) in spite of a love for writing i can recognize that my strength really isn't found in my words.  i'm learning that words are limiting.  they often do not convey the sentiments and emotions i so longingly wish to express.  it comes out a little better in writing, but hardly ever is my strength in unplanned spoken words.  sometimes, though written words have come out well enough to be considered a strength, but it is certainly not a reliable strong point.  so even though, i sometimes wish words and writing were my currency, i would not claim that they are.  and this too, i can accept.

3) my currency is not found in beauty or charm, or even kindness or compassion...because those are at best unreliable, popping up without any will on my part, but rather by grace, prayers and grand efforts.  and some days, let's face it, these things just won't happen.

4) if anything, i am learning/have learned (and am again accepting) that my currency varies.  on different days and different moments i feel like this is it.  it presents itself, and i think, oh, here it is, i'm ticking and beating and it is vibrant and dynamic,  but it is often ever so slippery and gone in an instant. and this is okay.  so when asked, what is my currency? i can be vague and say that it is many things, and for today it is...

5) it's true what they say, the older you get, the less (you realize) you actually know. this world is an immensely competitive place and growing up is such a mysterious process.  it's not always easy to recognize when growth happens and how.  thirty has shed more light on that which is truly important and those things that just really don't matter.  and what it all boils down to is this.  30 has made me realize i cannot and never will i be...perfect.  another way of making this all the more clear to myself is the every day reminder that i can control so very little in my life, and absolutely nothing outside of it.

6) for most of my life perfection was my currency.  it hurt me in a great many ways, but perfection fueled the trying and the writing, it kept a part of me chugging along through disappointment and distraction, and for those reasons alone, i can appreciate the version of myself that forced me into forward movement at the worst of times.  it helps to realize those ill parts of ourselves also offer some good.  and mostly it points me back to Him who was and is perfect. and that knowledge, known and felt in His presence, is my true currency.

7) i firmly believe it's okay to say no when asked out.  not every man's interest needs to be addressed. and though i struggle with this, it doesn't have to include a lie to justify it.  just be honest.  30 and single, does not equate to desperate and willing to settle.

8) let's not take each other out of context. i hate that.  let's be willing to grasp the whole big picture otherwise, what good are we to each other? a big picture point of view makes for lasting relationships. 

9) i am not, nor will i ever be, my mother, or my best friend, or my heroes, or even the very best dreamed up version of myself.

10) my dreams are not a husband and babies, nor are they my nice home and my career.  these dreams that fill the longings and desires in my heart are so much more than that.

30 means embracing what is to come...however long of a chapter that it will become, only God knows...but 30 means reawakening those sidelined dreams by praying them up unabashedly and working towards them step by step.

thinking on lovely things//giving thanks in all things

thinking on lovely things became a sort of maxim of mine a few years back.  it filled in a twitter and instagram bio, it was scribbled in the front pages of my journals, it was written across my bedroom mirror, the words were taped to the dashboard of my truck.  wherever i went, the reminder was there.  
thinking on loveliness was much needed and my constant prayer when it seemed all i could think on was anything but.

when i read philippians 4 back in, oh i guess it was 2010(?), oh gosh or maybe 2011.  yes, 2011 sounds correct, i realized this is what i needed.  i needed a mind and a life that was centered on these words:

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you."

it's a nice thought.  to consider amidst a world full of tragedy, disappointment, and despair...believing that one could find the space, the grace, and the desire to think on loveliness offered hope for an alternative.  

and then notice result of such meditation: the God of peace will be with you.

what a lofty promise!

when things get cold and still, sometimes it feels like groping in the dark, which equates to an aimless sort of searching, just to latch onto some different sort of thinking.  sometimes the idea of lovely, noble, just, and pure feels so elusive.  

even when His word is open and my eyes are searching, and my heart is aching for it...the heaviness, the weighty memory of that which is not, presses in and works its way into every crevice to blind  and to bind up my heart and mind with its dark hopelessness.

this sort of existence is wholly unlovely, and yet it is a place that it seems that i (we) can easily find ourselves.  i know i am not alone in this because i hear it in their voices.  i see it in their actions.  we are living and breathing in the not quite lovely things on the regular. and it is wearing us down, and i believe it influences us in ways we don't always realize.  but we begin to speak it and then to live it as it reflects in our choices and attitudes.

but as i reexamined those words in the present, i realized what i hadn't before.

paul wrote these words in a place of dark hopelessness.  though the occasion was not. of his many letters to churches and brethren, philippians was a bright light amidst the not so bright.  in a dark place, paul saw a light, and grasped for it.

it is clear, from these words he wrote, these words God spoke, that he believed it...and he lived it!

and i believe that it was because he wholeheartedly meditated on true, noble, just, pure, lovely, and virtuous things.  these characteristics that so wonderfully inspire and encourage hope, faith, and love.  these ideas that complement the association of receiving the peace of God.  God's peace will surely be with you when you meditate on these things.

true is ethical trueness.

noble is to be respected.

just is giving people what they deserve.

pure is holy in relation to God.

lovely is attractive.

of good report is praiseworthy, thereby, something that brings God praise.

virtue refers to moral excellence.

think on these things...

fill your thoughts with these things, and then you can give thanks in all things.

when Paul exhorts us in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 to give thanks in all things, he first tells us to rejoice and then to pray...i believe that order is salient because we need to prepare our hearts for giving thanks. we will not readily offer our gratitude to God, when things seem/feel contra.

that is why the meditation, the daily preparation, the consistency of prayer, and a constant intake of the word of God, and the fellowship of believers is so essential to our existence as followers of Christ.

in this world, getting "off track" is far too easy.  so, in preparing for a holiday of giving thanks, and a week away from the daily grind, and a wild getaway, i pray to find that which is lovely again.

This journey leads me back to the word that started 2014 for me.

a prayer to pursue loveliness and gratitude "wholeheartedly."

faith//jim gordon//believing in the beautiful

i like good guys and underdogs.  i suppose its a common liking amongst many people.  we want to see good guys win and it's even sweeter when an underdog sweeps in and gets the victory.  that's probably because they win by doing what is right.  and that is enthralling or insert here whatever adjective puts it best. the good guys, the underdogs, they are enthralling, especially as we look around and see that there seems to be so few.

which is probably why i now eagerly anticipate monday evenings as a time to watch what breathes goodness into my hungry for hope heart.  it was one of the first lines that jim gordon spoke to young bruce wayne that caught me.

"however, dark and scary the world might be right now...there will be a light."

and in many ways, jim gordon brings that light into a world of chaotic and confusing darkness because he fights, against all odds, he fights without giving up.  he does grow discouraged, he does get hurt, and he encounters more evil during one hour than most do.  but he does not give up on goodness and its possibilities.  and fictional as it may be, right now, somehow, it ministers to my heart.

because right now is a strange season of life.  it is a time in which i feel like a stranger to myself.  it is a time where i don't really feel like me or the woman i thought i was.

i hate that a few months and a few moments have caused me to think and to see through such a lens of negativity.  it has broken my spirit down and it has allowed the roots of bitterness to form deep inside of me, and as they grew, i remained oblivious until they began to spew out their ugly venom of frustration, long buried hurt, and simmering anger.

it has happened before.  and it is happening again.  bitter roots are dangerous.  and i find when they seem to so suddenly appear, i soon realize just how long they've been growing, and how i have been feeding them myself and how i've let others feed into them.

it's hideous and disappointing.  because i want to be different.  i want to be set apart.  i long to live holy and pleasing to my God.  and i forget that is impossible on my own, and that it is never easy or even natural amidst an all out pursuit of Him.

because when i get to where i am now, and maybe where i've been headed for over a year or so, i see that everything is broken and/or tragically messed up.  and yes, we can chalk it up to human nature, and the evil forces that be and the fact that our world in general is an extremely broken system.  but because i am still here, because i have today, and this moment, with whatever it holds, i have to have faith that there is still beauty to behold and that goodness, loveliness, pureness, kindness, hopefulness, dreams, glory, honor, servanthood, dedication, sacrifice, love...that all of it, it still exists and it is still pursued, and sought after and desired.

it's seems terribly unlikely when i turn on the television, when i look to the left and then to the right.  and even when i look in the mirror, at times i don't see it.

but i do ( i have to) believe that the beautiful is still possible, that when we look deeply enough beyond the darkness we will find it.  i know i see it when i gaze deeply into the eyes and words and heart of my Lord.  i know it is there.  and i find when i spend my time fostering that intimacy, the bitterness is broken down.  more and more it is mended and then all together healed.  for there are bitter pieces that at once ruled my mind and heart that are now a distant and indistinct memory.  so with that, i know that this too shall pass.  but in these days, in these moments, i find it more challenging, because it feels so all encompassing rather than just a compartment of time and space.

so, for today, as it seems to be all over the place, in all the nooks and crannies, i boldly ask my God for hope and faith to see beyond.  i ask my Father in heaven, the lover of my soul, for eyes to see like He does, for a heart like His that loves and moves beyond the actions and intents of humanity.  i pray for the pure and undefiled believing heart i once had, where dreams and reality felt like two things that could merge instead of two very separate roads. 

and so, as the evening sets in, and the sun goes down, and i breathe in and breathe out, i lift my eyes up and i whisper the words quietly, but so they can be heard.  heard by Him, heard by me, heard by whoever is in earshot.  "there will be a light."

rather...
"there is light."

here and now.

light to guide, light to penetrate the dark and bitter places, light to show truth, and light to reveal darkness where it tries to break through.

an underestimation//and the fight that ensues.

i've made this wonderful (online) friend.  she doesn't know i'm her friend, but i like to think that if we met in real face-to-face life, we would be.

when i sit down and read her stories, the ones that take place some 2,500 miles from me, i can see us walking through life as kindred spirits, sitting on the front porch of one of our homes, drinking sweet tea, bonding over our affinity for the elderly, giggling over long lost love, and the currents that capture our hearts.

but you see, our friendship, as i like to think it, looks a bit different when all you have is the vast and fast paced world we call the Internet, to keep you connected.  my kindred spirits, my would be friends are those who take the time to sit down and write their stories down to share for any random stranger's eyes to behold.  it's really a quite odd formation to a connection, but i enjoy it so.

there is one gal in particular who i frequently read, and when she posts something new, I get so excited.  and it is not a read it on the spot excited, its waiting until i have a moment of quiet and peace where i can curl up in my desk chair with a cup of tea, open the window so i have fresh air blowing in, and then i pop open my laptop and find where i've bookmarked her writings, and i read, and i breathe, and it is a beautiful moment that is always sure to inspire and uplift my soul.

and i wonder if my writing could bring that to somebody?  and i wonder if my friendship could? i wonder if as a teacher i breathe that life and bring that excitement in?  i wonder...and in this wondering the strangest thing happened. 

do you ever come across moments where you suddenly realize: i've never thought this thought before. some days, as of late, more often than not, i do, think many thoughts i've never thought before.

maybe it's thirty that has birthed these new thoughts and feelings in my mind and heart.
which is different and nice because life is very cyclical.  and sometimes life seems very expected.

my mentor likened life to a spiral staircase, a journey in which you are always moving upwards, but often returning to similar events, issues, worries, etc.  so when brand new experiences, thoughts, or even worries creep in and are presented to you, it is often a 'woah' moment in which you stop and think to yourself,  i've never been here before.

and that is what has been plaguing my thoughts for the last week.  a new thought.  a completely unexpected wondering.  it's one very much akin to thoughts thought of before, but it's phrasing gives it a new spin, that caused me to see things and myself in a very different light.


"you underestimate yourself," he said.

i was silent.  i've never thought that before.  i've never been told that before.  yes, i've struggled with ideas similar to that, but i've never seen it in the light of underestimation.

we drove in the dark attempting to find the quickest way home.  i think we were both done with each other.  for some unknown reason, and yet it was clear to both of us. 

and his words, they stung. 

i wanted to ask, whatever do you mean?  but i didn't have to.  he pressed on and told me. 

he recounted the ways the entire evening, the last three weeks, perhaps my whole life, the ways in which i underestimate myself.  i was then thankful for the darkness of the car as the tears crept their way out, burning and then falling ever so quickly down to my lap.

"hmmm," was all i could vocalize.

he then took to messing with the air conditioning as i sped faster home.  i wanted him gone, i wanted to be away.  i never wanted to see him again.  and i probably won't.  and shouldn't that relax my mind and heart?

but it doesn't.  his words are still an ever present sting.

it's funny how words do that.  i remember last december grasping so tightly to another man's words and the life they spoke into me.  how they had carried me so far with hope and comfort.  and while they don't hold the same power they once did, they remain scripted on my heart, albeit one man's opinion, it didn't make it less worthy of meaning.

and while this most recent man's words did not destroy me, they certainly made me think.  this three date wonder's words.  the unlikeliest of sources with perhaps a great deal of wisdom and insight into me.

you see, he wasn't wrong.  i do underestimate myself.  i view myself as extremely limited and i don't know why.  and the limitations are quite strange and oppressive.  i let this underestimation dictate how i believe others must view me.

i don't see myself being or becoming or able or appreciated.  it often goes unnoticed until someone points it out.  and it's almost okay if your mentor, or one of your best girlfriends, or even your mom points it out, because they are in your core and they see and know.  but when he says it, this man on the outside of things, this man who i struggle to let in says it...i immediately think, no, you have not earned this.

and suddenly i am not underestimating myself.  i am seeing myself for who i am.  for who i can be and become.  and he, well he squashed it, and i let him.

and it feels like two steps back from where you thought you were, and that is discouraging.  

but two steps back means you have the space to move forward, if you are willing to fight.

and it is the fight that ensues.  a fight sometimes i think is long over, only i am left to find a new enemy pops up and suddenly i am in the thick of the battle again.