on clarity and being known//march meandering.

31 days later.

a long month in more ways than one and yet so fast.  i feel relieved to say goodbye to march.  this month i felt like i was constantly going in circles.  i woke up more days foggy headed and overwhelmed, than clear and determined.  as always, i only have myself to blame for that.  but in my march of foggy headed days the longing and for the hope of clarity and being known/noticed really cut its way into my thoughts and prayers.

the phrase "bloom where you are planted" has popped up often this month and i think it holds great meaning for me that i am being called to press into, but something in that terrifies me as well.  i'm afraid about what it means for me yet intrigued by the possibility.

i look forward to waking up tomorrow in a new month.  i am nearing thirty and whatever that means for me and my life. 

here's to april showers, the hope of may flowers, a summer on the horizon, autumn whispers, holiday wonder, and God-willing another new year...trying to stay big picture.

march, i meandered through you a bit aimlessly, but am grateful for the lessons and where your days have stirred my heart.

onto clearer "april" days...

an honest view of myself.

the grand thing about getting older is that things begin to get clearer.

i find that i figure out myself a little more each day...that is if and when i slow down enough to pay attention.  what i'm learning lately has been eye opening.  i don't always like what i see.  and it's not in that self damning, always condemning, even hating sort of way.  instead the little realizations of the uglier parts of me, i think inspire the change i need to undergo.  most of this entirely relates to character.  and character relates to my spiritual, emotional, and mental well-being.  i recognize that these "flaws" are not things i can fix on my own.  they are not even things i can set goals for and "work on" each day.  rather they are things that can only be remedied by a wholehearted pursuit of Jesus.  i am certain of this.  because that wholehearted pursuit helps me to take my eyes off of me, and it is then i begin to see Him and myself honestly.

it's interesting to be nearing thirty.  sometimes when i think about it, it frightens me a little.  which really seems just so cliche...because it isn't really the number, or the lack of things i think i should have at this time in my life, it's more the realization of how fast life is.  and even more frightening to realize there is nothing that can be done to slow it down.

and these things i learn about myself, i am trying to hold fast to and walk into my thirties with, so that i can begin this new decade of my life, alert and aware.

i find that as i close out this last month of my twenties i am feeling quite nostalgic.  i often feel nostalgic about the past and anxious for the future.  though i like to think it is a good anxiety as it leads me to cherish every bright, sunny blue day and rest in every grey drippy day...knowing they both have such great potential to make me happy. 

i believe that unconditional relationships are so important.  giving more than i take in relationships are what make the best kinds. 

i have grown to have a deep love for literature and for art.  i love looking at what other people have contributed to the world to inspire, encourage, and entertain. 

i've discovered that my heart beats loudest when i am connecting with young ones and imparting something bigger than just words and lessons. 

getting outside to exercise everyday is my best habit, dr. pepper(sugar) and coffee(caffeine) are my worst. 

music is what fuels me in almost every capacity...live shows, the tunes in the morning commute to work, a quick run in the evening with iPod in hand, falling asleep with the shutters cracked and the moonlight pouring in, all accompanied by various soundtracks of wonderfulness.

and this is about all i have figured out in my 29 years and 11 or so months on this planet.  which isn't a lot, but it is something.  and it is something i am holding onto and carrying into the next chapter.  and i have hopes for this next chapter.  i have BIG prayers, and i am learning to walk by faith more and more...taking little leaps and making small bounds to begin with...but i'm here and i am doing it, and that truly is something.

authenticity//a memoir of sorts.

authenticity: real, genuine, not copied or false, true or accurate.

my desire is to live each day, moment by moment, authentically.

my authentic self is...raw, real, honest, inclined to love.

am i this everyday?

no.

but i desire to be.  it's hard when people feel so unsafe.  but i am thankful i have a God who is safe.  i pray to be the authentic me He made me, even when i feel scared and intimidated.

raw, real, honest, inclined to love...

Getting to know the Real God//God is Real Good

Today Pastor Ed asked us to clear our minds.

So I got my mind as clear as it can get.  Dark and empty.

And then he asked, "What is the first word that comes to your mind when I say, God?"

Big.

He then asked, "Does that word that came to your mind when I said, God, was it a good word?"

Hmmm.  Big.  Yes, that is good.

Good...how?

God is really big, right?  Bigger than you or I could comprehend, right?  Yes.  God is that big.

If I know and believe and think He is big. Do I think He is good?  Really, really Good???

Yes.

But...

The truth is, sometimes I don't live my life like God is good.  Sometimes I live my life like God is out to get me.  Sometimes I imagine God withholding good things from me to punish me.  Sometimes I imagine the bad things in life are what I deserve because I've messed up.  Sometimes I think God just wants me to hurt and suffer.  Sometimes I think God is fed up with me. Sometimes I think God just doesn't care.

Wow.  I hadn't even realized all of that before.

My head tells me God is good.  Sometimes my heart tells me, God is good.  Too often, however, more often than I'd like to admit, my feelings tell me, and I get stuck on...God being somehow, in some way against me.

I can honestly say with my head, I know this isn't true.  But my heart speaks to a different tune at times.

The next forty days, over the lent season, our church is taking a leap of faith.  We are jumping in and saying we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God is good.

We are asking God to act on our behalf in big ways.  (Isaiah 64:4)

It's all about letting go and diving in...wholeheartedly (my word for 2014).

If Lent means "springtime" and "renewal"...this is my season.  I'm coming into this stripped and empty, in need of guidance, love, and life.

I am searching for Him...and in that letting go of that which clamors and clangs in my life.

Letting go of extra noise....extra costs...extra calories...extra worries...extra stressors...and I am focusing on breathing, being, and praying.

Lord, help us of a little faith...to believe, to seek and to find...to meet You, for who You truly are...over the next 40 days.

to sunday//to Someone

i like to awake early with You.

let's walk together and enjoy the sunrise and the cool crisp air.
let's breathe together the smells of wet grass and listen to the sounds of water lapping.  and let's talk about how much You amaze me.

let's meet at the coffee shop and grab the times and sip a hot latte.  as i read the headlines, tacit prayers rest on my lips.  You hear them.
let's go to church together.  and i will worship, and pray, and listen, and let You speak, and we will fellowship, and pour in and be poured into.

let's run an errand or two.
let's have a leisure lunch.

then when afternoon falls, lets grab a favorite book and lounge around where we will keep warm, in the sun, or on the couch under a crocheted blanket. let's talk about what is read.  let's really listen to each other. help me to be open and raw and let the conversation unfold into new depths.

and then we will cook together, because this day is special and holy.  it's different.  i want to invite You in to every part and we will just be.

the dishes can be a monday chore.
the evening is ours to relax and to relish the day and what's left of the weekend.
we are here and this is now, and it is wonderful.

the unknown ahead is okay, because we have today, and these days, they are ours....forever.

i look forward to You, and sharing this with you face to face, and knowing better the wonderful unknown of You.

why love isn't all you need//february favorites.

28 days later.

59 days in.

this valentine's day, i was not at all sad to be alone.  perhaps i am used to it now, this fate of mine throughout my whole 20-somethings.  never having one, tried and true companion, to call my own.  i spent many a v-day being sad about this, or longing for a particular someone.  well, perhaps it is the lack of an interesting particular someone in my life that helps me to keep it altogether.  either way i managed to make it through february unscathed by the longings for love.  to be quite clear, i am rather content in my singleness.  not to say that i don't have any interest in my someday someone.  but, i'm truly good in the solo time for now...and frankly am quite the expert.  and i am learning to be better to myself.  less damning thoughts, more kindness.  i will happily treat myself to an afternoon movie, or brave the farmer's market, and walk the beach with my pup and a good book.  i know one day, hopefully, these are things i can enjoy with another, but for now, i won't let any happiness and enjoyment be taken away from doing these things alone.

babies are on their way all the way around.  it makes me feel new feelings when i see these dear friends i've known for a good chunk of my life suddenly turn into mothers.  they amaze me and i admire them.  i am not sure what all of this is stirring inside of me, but it's something new...

my friend r made it her goal for her thirtieth year to become a conscious eater.  i loved this.  i think this is something i've really been trying to put into full effect for years now, but it's a noble goal (and now one of my thirty things for thirty).   there have been seasons and parts of my twenties that have been very health conscious, but my desire is to let it invade all parts of my eating and living.  fresh, pure, limited in sugar, free of processed nonsense is what i want to feed my body with.

this year, really overall is about building wellness and healthy habits into my life.  you know, those real adult things, saving money, reading more, daily exercise, planned dates, budgets, less lazy, more proactive...that's my life now...and i like it.

february, you've been good to me.  bad days-0, some difficult moment kind of days-27, blue days-2,  happy, over the moon days-1...here's to march! i so look forward to a month in which we welcome spring, and longer days, and baseball season, and the hope of summer, and the season of lent, and the beauty of flowers, and a glimmer of warmth...and, and, and...so many wonderful things. 

spoken in the stars.

there's something to the end of February, early March time of year.  the hope of spring, the hint of longer days, a cleanness to the air, an overall renewal of sorts.  i always think every season is my favorite, but when spring rolls in, something inside me just breathes relief and inhales joy.  spring is my season.  there is something so perfect about California in the spring.  being a native you would think i could speak life to that statement, but i can't.  it's just something you have to experience for yourself to know.

even right now, sitting at my desk, the cool air pouring in through my cracked bedroom window, the last bits of sun still lay out over the front yard, and i hear birds tweeting their tunes.  it's perfect, really.  all of it.

i imagine that these moments are what heaven is like.  all of this enjoyment, all of this perfection, and wonder, all of it relates to a big and mighty God.  a God whose imagination is beyond comprehension that He would think to create such perfect loveliness.  He being so good, that He made me to love and notice this perfect wonder too.

and that is what I love most in all of this, this season, this weather, this cleanness of a fresh canvas in a new season, is that He made me to love it.  He made me to be inspired by it.  He created this time of year to be my season, where I cultivate new goals, and rid my life of that which has hindered progress, and truly embrace this romance with Him.  the love affair that is spring feels as though it is just for me.  He spoke it in the stars, knowing the day He planned my arrival on this earth, spring would be ours.