coolest chick ever (part 1)

i just have to rave about how interesting, cool, and unpretentious i find miranda july to be.

short story writer, movie maker, artistic spirit, super creative, unique heart, clever, and just ridiculously inspiring, i am just completely and utterly impressed and obsessed with her. i crave her creative capacity.

totally going on my must see list!

*after watching this film i regret to say miranda's coolness factor dropped significantly. i found this movie to be the most discouraging and depressing i had seen in awhile. i realize this is a place she comes from often, as i find the same to be true of her books, but something with this movie just sat wrong with me. i can appreciate the questions it asked, but there was no redeeming factor to any of it, no real sense of hope, and i believe these things can and should be found in any situation and circumstance. also as a result of this movie i now have a great disdain for men wearing gold chains.
shudder.
and on my must read list...

you.

last week when i saw you and you said you were glad to see me, i smiled at you because i was glad to see you too. there are words i cannot say, but i feel them, and that makes them real.

i wanted to tell you these things, these things that mean something. but they remain silent, for now.

i love how i feel when i am around you. safe. my heart whispers. safe.

you always speak so kindly to me, aware of my timidness. is it real?

i like when you stand next to me. your presence is so warm and comforting, even without a touch, i feel bound to you somehow, like we are uniquely tied.

i love watching you do what you love. it makes me smile to see you in your element. i love how you excitedly talk about your passions. there is so much joy in your spirit.

when it feels like i am forgotten, you always remind me i am not. without words, but rather with simple gestures, and unthought touch, under which my body softens, and my walls threaten to break down.

i wonder what you are really thinking. do your words speak truth?

i'm glad you're not with her anymore, but it makes me nervous. things feel possible. i've become so scared of the way that i feel. and more terrified to think, these things that hold so much meaning for me, are lost on you.

you.
can i forget you?
when all i do is dream of you?
and i wonder can we so simply be together?
can we walk hand in hand and explore the met together?
can we have leisure sundays in central park?
can we take a late subway home and stumble the remaining blocks clutching onto each other, laughing and breathing in the cool new york air?
could there be a  for always future for us?

speechless.

weekend-ish.

shopping with nana, a meaningful chick flick, hanging pictures, afternoon at the pond feeding ducks, reeses pieces, swimming, finishing the great gatsby, iced coffee with cream, church with a new friend, God conversations, heartfelt prayers, words that hold power, songs that offer comfort, staying up late, laughing about nothing, gluten free goodies, writing to change the world, headbands and felt flowers, writing cards, yoga in the mornings, being thankful, creating space, quietly falling asleep with the windows open and the music on low, catching up on blue bloods, and smiling a lot :)

art inspired.

i've been so blessed in the last few weeks to be immersed in beautiful art.  i've always felt that God speaks through art.  after all He is the first and ultimate artist.  He can be credited with the creation of the universe and the imagination of man...therefore, all art in some way or another is a reflection of the image of God.  movies, music, art...i believe in so many ways it points to the incomprehensible beauty and imagination of God. 

it started with my trip to new york and being surrounded by the most amazing archritecture, the galiant green parks, and the historic art museums. mainly the paintings i saw in the met and the moma are what stick with me the most. seeing the actual brush strokes of an original van gogh up close and personal was without exaggeration a life altering experience.  my eyes had never beheld such a wonder but have dreamed to for over a decade.  i literally felt every feeling i've ever had about art and my own artistic abilities shift to the possible realm and all of my worry and stress transformed into to the most joyous and quiet calm i have ever felt.
behold the wonder...

riding on this artistic high i randomly chose to see midnight in paris yesterday with my grandma. we were both in awe of the cinematic shots of paris in the rain, paris in the day, and the glory of paris at night, as well as the culture and creative minds the film depicted from history to today. woody allen did a phenomenal job taking the viewer back to a time when literature and art were in their finest form...with the pieces of pablo picasso, the mind of salvador dali, the writings of Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Gertrude Stein, and the forgotten and rarely embraced dream of people today, going after there long harbored desires of writing, traveling, living abroad, and not settling for what we think we are supposed to. it sounds pretentious and i feel pretentious writing like this, but i feel so strongly about all of this.  these are things that inspire me to live and do.  i feel so naturally drawn to art, painting, reading, writing, traveleing and seeing the world, whether it be through pictures, dreaming, or actually going and seeing first hand. all of this makes me wonder about the life meant for me...i believe there is an adventure to be embraced here, i just haven't quite figured at how, when, exactly what, with who, exactly where it will take me, but i do most certainly know why.

holding onto hope.

after the whirlwind of school, and then a vacation turned into a longer stay, i am settling back into the regularly scheduled program of life.  there's so much of day to day life that i enjoy, so many simple things, like reading a book, being outside, taking a nap, cuddling with a kitty, drinking a cup of tea, painting a picture, and writing...but all of this seems hindered by an overwhelming burden i'd like to call "what the hell am i doing with my life?" 

i am twenty seven years old and i keep thinking of that part in pride and prejudice (the 2005 focus features version) when elizabeth bennet and charlotte lucas are discussing charlotte's recent engagement to the ridiculous mr. collins.  lizzie is of course shocked and appalled by the news.  and what is charolotte's response? "i'm twenty - seven years old, i've no money and no prospects. i'm already a burden to my parents and i'm frightened. so don't you dare judge me lizzie. don't you dare!" oh, it's heartbreaking and quite matches my greatest fear, and that is, of settling.  not solely for a mate, but for a job, for a lifestyle, for a role, that i never really wanted nor was made for.  it is so easy to get wrapped up in the what if's? and the seemingly limited possibilities.

i've just sort of been inwardly frazzled, while outwardly appearing calm and collected about it (which happens to be rather uncharacterisic of me).  my mouth speaks words that don't agree with the state of my heart.  i think i am trying to achieve that sort of thinking that if i keep saying that i'm okay, that it's okay, then that truth will finally sink into my heart and settle there.  it hasn't happened yet.  i know i've got it all mix matched and i am frantically searching for answers with no prayers.  i wish i instantly had the patience to take a day, or even just a moment, and stop trying to figure out the answer and just pray and let my anxious control of these life decisions escape from my tight grasp.  but it's oh so hard.

Oh if we could all just simply rest in and rely upon the comfort and truth of these words to guide our way....Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path."

Psalm 32:8 "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."

Isaiah 58:11 "The Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your needs in parched places, and make your bones strong, and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters never fail."

this view was captured from the top of the rockafeller center.  while everyone was staring down at the majestic central park, my eyes were drawn upward and the only word i could think was...heaven.  and heaven=hope.

music joy.

lykke li often ends up on every playlist i create.  though she seems to fly under the radar, her beautiful songs have ended up in many movies and t.v. shows.  as she sits on the top of my itunes rotation because of her unique voice and songs that fit any day, mood, or theme, she seemed the perfect fit for music sharing!