i don't get it (part II)

i have to let go, breathe slow, put one foot in front of the other, and enjoy the night that is mine. often God reminds me, but I'm always there in the front to blind me. sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better, and i know i give in to willingly and settle for whatever i can get.

God is good, there can be peace in the midst of confusion. He clears the way, and sometimes i think, He slows down to move at our pace of understanding. i know i take a-while to get things sometimes. Anne Lamott said it best, "this is how we make important changes--barely, poorly, slowly." And still God raises His fist in Triumph. I see now, it's happening slowly, but surely.

i don't get it...

please understand, i am well aware of my imperfections, almost every single one of them, in fact. I am not always kind, I get impatient, I find it hard to get along with every one. If you hurt me or piss me off, I'll probably just ignore you. If I get pushed far enough, I may be tempted to tell you off, but I probably won't. Really, I can't. I can't say anything. I can't stand up for myself. I can't express how I feel. It's too late, it's not allowed. I just keep getting shit on! I'm too nice. No, maybe niceness isn't in my heart at all. Truly, you have no idea what I really think about you. I don't wish you knew. I don't even wish I could tell you anymore.

The only thing I've learned from you, is that because of the lack of demonstration on your part, I now see how much kindness matters. It is important, no...it is imperative that I pass on kindness.

We are growing so callous. We are becoming so careless. There is no moral compass. I cannot exist like this. I won't let you get to me anymore. I won't let myself be changed by you. Sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore. But then I will just remind myself, I am not like you. I don't have to be like you. I won't be like you. I may still have to see you and be around you, but I don't have to be like you.

Accept the silence. That is all I have left to give.

2009...just thinking about you.

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."
"The gratification comes in the doing, not in the results."
~James Dean

I wouldn't exactly consider James Dean to be my point of inspiration, but the man did say some pretty poignant stuff, for someone who only lived to be twenty four years old.

I feel like life is just passing me by and I am not really enjoying it. It's sort of like being in this really great museum and you wanna make sure you see everything, but it isn't until you leave and everything you saw, you begin to absorb, and really appreciate it. I feel like I've just been taking life in. Some things have been really wonderful and amazing, and of course some things have just been wretched and awful.

I don't like this existence I've adapted, where I am always working toward the next thing, worrying about the next day, and never really existing in the moment. I like the idea of living the day as if it was my last. It's really too much to comprehend, but I think if I really tried it, I would actually sit and watch the sunset, I would tell everyone I loved them, and realize how petty it is to hold grudges and dwell in anger. I'd probably be less concerned with the status of my bank account, or the impending doom of the next day.

I also think there is something to be said for the actual doing of life. I am always working toward a goal or some sort of end result, never realizing, as Dean alluded to, that the true enjoyment in life really is in the process of what we are working toward. The accomplishments are great, but the work to get there is truly the satisfying part...I don't want to miss out on any of it, while I am still here, by the grace of God, to experience all of this. Life. 2009. Come what may...I'll dream, I'll work hard, I will enjoy you, I will strive to cherish everyday you give me.

heaps of gratitude...

Thanksgiving has passed, and December is here.
As earnestly as it was hoped for, the holiday did not go by this year without a hitch. What was planned to be a quiet day of quality time with family, eating a big dinner, enjoying a rainy Thanksgiving, turned out to be, just the opposite (well, except for the rain).

The thing I didn't realize was I missed out on the whole giving thanks part. I probably wasn't feeling to thankful that day, but that's kind of a ridiculous thing to say, when there is always plenty to give thanks for. I mean, there was no turkey dinner, or real quality time with family...crap crept its way in, and instead for me, there was this earnest awareness that completely enveloped me.

It was this awareness of the sad state of so many of the lives surrounding me. I was literally to the point of tears driving to work that day thinking of all the brokenness and emptiness in the in the lives I am witness to, and this in some ways includes my own life.

So there I am, just feeling so meh! so sad, so heartbroken, so discouraged, so hopeless...and in those same moments of pity and sorrow, there is something like a soft whisper in my ear. There is a gentle hand wiping the tears from my cheek. There is a strong arm wrapped around my trembling body...and then I just know. I know it's Him, and I begin to feel a calm wash over me.

I know He is there. He knew my Thanksgiving day would end up like this. He knew where I would be when all the emotion and messiness of the day finally bubbled up and over and began to crowd in on me. Even though I never conciously asked for Him to come, He did. He was there. He is here...and I am thankful! SO THANKFUL! I had forgotten, even just for a moment, or an hour, or even the whole day, that He was there, that He cared, and He knew...He knows!

The phrase heaps of gratitude popped into my head. I was thinking of massive piles of fallen leaves covering the front yard in its entirety...would not even begin to express the heaps of gratitude I feel even right now.

Thankful...overwhelmed with gratitude.
He is real...so much bigger than our circumstances and feelings...ever present...always faithful...and I'm thankful!

punch love.

the punch brothers are the most amazing epic band ever.  i am officially a fan, loyal and utterly devoted, privileged with the opportunity and responsibility to spread the word about their awesomeness.

chris thile can sit on a stage and eat bread, and he'd still blow minds.

the Punch Brothers are on tour now, and i will see them. no matter how many miles i must travel. and i will forgive them for forsaking the land of the tan and blonde. and when i see them, my life will feel complete, and i will kiss thile's feet.

you can hear why here.

Good God,

Give it all... break it all, lost it all in trade for you. Leave it all, gain it all, leave again. I'll come running back to you. I would give it all away to make you happy. I can't see the day the night romances me... Dream it all, build it all, cry it all, laugh it all the way with you, lost the night, lose the day, and run away...until you say romance me, dance around the room."

Seriously, I don't get how You do it. Through the muck of my day, under the inconvenience, over the mundane, with every push and pull, You do the unexpected! You totally surprise me, catch me off guard, and warm my heart.


Thanks God for that gentle reminder that You've been walking along side of me all along. Thanks for putting up with me when I get totally distracted and crazy wound up with an immense amount of worry You never meant for me to carry. Thanks God for getting it, and reminding me once again of the simplicity I so long to live inside of!

I want to abandon the loads of crappy baggage I've been harboring so long now, that only weighs me down and keeps me from You. Swallow me up in Your Grace God!

autumn's glory

i like to write about the seasons. this blog is evident of that. yes, autumn is here...which shows it took two seasons for me to update. ah, that's life i suppose. there is so much here to enjoy in these moments. it is a cool october afternoon, and everything seems to be turning orange and brown. there is a tree in my parents backyard that perfectly depicts the season's change. the once full, green, leaved tree that covered us with shade in the hot summer heat, now has a yellow brown twinge to it, and the leaves are slowly beginning to fall and fade away. by christmas day, this tree will be bare, as we welcome winter.

there is something sweet about autumn...a certain darkness, a melancholy mood that fills my soul, a simple sadness that exists in the air. acoustic music takes over my ipod, and pumpkin coffee becomes my drink of choice. my home transforms its color decor to match the season, burgundy, rich dark greens, loud reds, and various shades of orange.

i suddenly find myself loving nothing more than to curl up in the cool of the evening with a hot cup of tea, and a fabulous book with a kitty in my lap.

cheers to autumn.